The Perfect Story: A Play on Perfection by Maria C.

The Perfect Story: A Play on Perfection

Narrator: The United States of America. A perfect country, with one absolutely perfect city: Omaha, Nebraska. At the edge of the city, on the very outskirts to be exact, you will find paradise. Paradise High School, that is. It is an ordinary high school, with jocks, cheerleaders, band geeks, nerds, and young politicians, but this paradise has one group that no other high school in the world has: the Misfits.

Act 1: In which Alyss challenges the Misfits to a duel of perfection, and the Misfits break apart

Setting: Paradise High School Cafeteria

Enter Iris, Kat, Resa, and Tania, collectively known as the Misfits, who head to a table all the way in the back of the cafeteria

Iris: Hi everyone! How was your weekend? (silence) Okay then, it must have been good… (turns, sees Kat scrubbing the table with a brand-new sponge) Ooh, is that the new Scour Action Cleaner 5000! Lucky, yours is pink! Here, let me help you! (takes out a spray bottle from her backpack and wets the table)

Kat: Ugh, why can’t the school give us a better table? (scrubs harder) I swear, this spray paint is permanent! (scrubs with all of her might)

Resa: (munches on a huge bag of chips) Why don’t you guys have a snack? After all, it’s lunchtime. (stops eating for a moment, and then empties the entire bag into her mouth)

Chips fly everywhere, including Iris’s head.

Resa: Oops. (starts eating chips off the floor)

Kat: Resa! What did I say about dumping chips into your mouth?! (starts running and scooping chips into a trash bag from her backpack)

Iris: (starts hyperventilating) AAHHHH! I can’t see! I can’t see! Help me! Help! Help…

Tania: (stands up slowly) Enough. Kat, leave the chips, the janitors will get them. Iris, open your eyes. Resa, don’t eat the chips off the floor. Honestly, it’s because of scenarios like this that people think we have problems!

All of the girls stop their various actions and stare at Tania. Iris bursts out laughing, then chokes and hiccups.

Kat: Problems? PROBLEMS?! You’ve got to be kidding me? I’m OCD, how can I help the way I act? Iris has a panic disorder, Resa is obese, and you have anger iss-… (trails off at the mad glint in Tania’s eyes) Never mind.

Tania: (sighs) Anyway, want to hear a joke? (everyone puts their fingers in their ears) So, what looks like a tree and eats like a tree? A tree! (laughs, but everyone else winces)

Iris: Um, that was scary. Anyways, Kat does have a point. After all, we don’t have any skills to fit in with the other groups.

Resa: I can eat a pie in three seconds!

Tania: Not that kind of skill Resa. But what skills do they have that we don’t?

Kat: (ticking off the various groups on her fingers) Well, none of us are good at sports, so we’re not in with the jocks and cheerleaders. None of us can be in band, because we don’t play any instruments. We don’t have silver tongues that can charm everyone into voting for us for class president, so politics is out. And (moans) none of our GPAs are higher than a 2.5…

Enter Alyss with her groupies

Alyss: (sneering) Well, look what we have here. A group of… Gosh, what are you guys? (groupies snicker) Oh right, Misfits; nothing more than a pathetic gathering of nobodies.

Tania: Do you wanna go? DO YOU? You little-

Iris: Don’t say anything, just ignore her everyone.

Kat: (smirks) Need I remind you, Ms. Popular, that you used to be a Misfit (makes finger quotes) yourself?

Alyss: (burns with rage and shame) Not anymore. I’m done with your loser group! After all, now I’m a perfect person (takes out a mirror). I have never seen anyone more beautiful than me. My hair, my eyes, my skin! It’s all perfect! And on top of that, I’m popular! No one is more popular than me, no one! I am the most perfect being! It’s all me! Me! No one i-

Iris: But what about Guinevere? (all turn to glance at her)

(Guinevere is seated at the very first table by the windows, surrounded by popular people chattering. While reading a book, she simultaneously flips her long wavy hair, tells a joke, and laughs. Unconsciously, everyone sighs in envy)

Kat: HA! See? Even you are envious, because you’re only the 2nd most popular girl. Guinevere is always going to be the first, because being perfect is being smart and getting good grades.

Resa: No it’s not! Being perfect is when you’re as skinny as a twig!

Tania: Resa, that isn’t true. A perfect person is always funny, and people laugh at their jokes without being intimidated. Right guys?

Alyss: (flips hair and makes buzzer sound) Wrong! Perfection is popularity, Misfits! This means that I am true perfection!

Iris: (mutters quietly) Guinevere is perfect, not you. After all, she’s perfect since she’s beautiful.

Alyss: (smolders with anger) You know what?! None of you have any idea of what the perfect being is! Therefore, I challenge all of you to a match three days from now! If none of you can prove that you or your idea is perfect, than I win!

Kat: (rolls eyes) And what makes you think that we’re going to take you up on that challenge?

Tania, Iris, and Resa: I’ll do it.

Alyss: (smirks in triumph) Fine. Cafeteria, at lunch in three days. That way everyone can see what losers you are!

Exit Alyss and groupies

Kat: Now what in the name of cleaning detergent made you guys say yes?! After all, how can we work together? We each have our own idea of perfection.

Iris: Well, maybe we don’t have to work together. Why don’t we split apart?

Tania: Really? Will you be okay? After all, we’ve been together for a long time. What’s going to happen if Alyss brings out the chicken again? (waits for someone to laugh, no one does) You don’t get it? Iris is a coward, also known as a chicken… That’s it! You people never even slightly chuckle at my jokes. I’m leaving! And don’t text me! I’ll throw my phone at your heads! (exits)

Resa: I hope she doesn’t stay mad at us too long… (starts eating chips off the floor again)

Kat: Resa stop that! If you stop eating everything you see, then you wouldn’t weigh more than a monster truck! (stops in horror at what she just said)

Resa: (pauses in shock, then slowly rises) You know I’ve always wanted to be skinny… then I would be amazingly perfect. But you didn’t have to throw that out into my face! (runs away, exiting the stage)

(Awkward silence between Kat and Iris)

Iris: Um, do you think that we cou-

Kat: (in tears) That’s right, make fun of how stupid I am, with my OCD! I’m gonna be so smart, you won’t know who I am! I’m leaving to go help the janitor with mopping the floor! Don’t talk to me! (exits)

Iris: (in confusion) Huh?! Wait, what are you talking about? (runs after Kat, slips on a banana peel) AAHH! My leg broke! I’m dying! I’m dying! Blood’s splattered all over me! I’m slowly slipping into unconsciousness! Help! Blood and plasma everywhe- Oh, wait a minute, it’s just water…

End Act 1



Act 2: In which the Misfits each detail her separate quest to become perfect, and fail miserably

Setting: Each one at her own house

Scene 1

Enter Tania, in her living room, perusing a joke website on her laptop

Tania: ‘Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!’ (eyebrows go up in confusion) How is that funny? Let’s see, what a funny one…is ‘Why was the little strawberry crying? Because his parents were in a jam.’ No, that’s not funny either. Why do none of these make sense? (ponders) Because they’re jokes! (laughs) Now MY joke was funny. But why does no one get them?

Tania’s brother: (voice offstage) Your jokes just aren’t funny, ok? Just give up sis.

Tania: (in a very quiet and controlled voice) I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. What did you say?

(silence)

Tania: That’s what I thought. (glances at laptop again) Ugh, this is the worst website ever! (throws laptop across the room angrily) Oops. Oh well, maybe if I just act funny, then I’ll win! Yeah, that’s it. So my first joke should be…

(Scene 1 ends with her muttering incomprehensible sentences)

Scene 2

Enter Resa, in her dining room exercising

Resa: Okay! Let’s get started! (sits down on a mat) Sit-ups first! One! Two! Three! (enter Resa’s mom)

Resa’s mom: Cupcake, what are you doing?

Resa: Sit-ups, why? Four! Five! Six!

Resa’s mom: Honey, what is this for? Is this for school?

Resa: Well, I need to win this competition that proves that being skinny is being perfect! So I’m doing sit-ups to decrease my fat. Seven, eight, nine… Boy, this is hard work! How do people handle all this exercise?

Resa’s mom: Um, sweetheart, this is how you do a sit-up. (demonstrates a sit-up) You don’t just, uh…

Resa: Oh. I actually have to do that? I just thought that you just sit up and stay there counting! So does that mean when you do push-ups you don’t just push up with your hands?

Resa’s mom: No, I’m sorry sweetie pie. If you want, I just made deep-fried pork rinds with deep-fried French fries! But if you want to get skinny, then maybe not.

Resa: Well, maybe only once I’ll have the fried stuff. Tomorrow I’ll eat healthy… maybe. Now back to exercise! O-n-e! (collapses) I can’t do this! Sit-ups are so hard!

(Scene 2 ends with Resa attempting to get up, but she can’t)

Scene 3

Enter Kat in her bedroom surrounded by textbooks

Kat: (with enthusiasm) Ok, so the quadratic formula is 3.14 and π is the opposite of b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4 multiplied by a and c, and all over 2 multiplied by a. Carbon is the first element of the periodic table, and George Washington gave the Gettysburg Address. Voltaire wrote To Kill a Mockingbird and Romeo and Juliet. Finally the Spanish word for love is odiar. Hahaha! I totally got this! No one is going to be smarter than me at the competition! I shall be the world’s greatest genius! Now all I have to do is master spelling! Encountering. E-n-k-o-w-n-d-e-r-i-n-g. Perfect!

(Scene 3 ends with her reciting very wrongly spelled words)

Scene 4

Enter Iris in her bathroom with make-up bottles and brushes everywhere

Iris: Ok, I can do this! First, apply foundation. (takes the brush) Apply directly to face. (swipes over face) Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! (keeps brushing face) Oh no! Foundation must give you a cold! Germs! (stops brushing) Well, I’ll skip that step. Next, I’ll put on lipstick. (uncaps lipstick) Gosh, I didn’t imagine that lipstick would be so…red. (starts to smear lipstick on her lips) Remember Iris, this is just lipstick, it’s not like you’re putting blood on… Whew, so glad that that’s done! Finally, to place mascara on. (takes out mascara brush) Okay, so I just gently rub it on my eyelashe- AAAHHHH!!! I poked my eye out! I’m blind in one eye! (accidentally pokes other eye) AGH! I’m never going to see daylight again! Good-bye sweet world! Farewell colors of the earth and sky! Oh, to be blinded at such a young age, when I was in the flower of my youth! (runs into wall because she’s blind) Where’s the door? WHERE’S THE DOOR?!

(Scene 4 ends with her slamming into the wall opposite of the door)

End Act 2



Act 3- In which the Misfits and Alyss battle, and thus discover Guinevere’s ways of being perfect

Setting: Paradise High School Cafeteria , 3 days later

Enter the Misfits and Alyss into the cafeteria

Alyss: (smug) Prepare to go down Misfits! Now it’s time for me to shine!

Tania: Ha! Well, I’ll blow all of you away laughing with my jokes! Now, why did the chicken cross the road? (waits) To get to the other sea! Ha-ha!

(dead silence)

Resa: (is stuffed into really tight clothing) Sorry Tania, but you lose. If you haven’t noticed, I am amazingly skinny now! So I am perfection! (all of the buttons on her clothing pop off)

(again, dead silence)

Kat: Well, I’ll bet none of you can spell... potatoes! P-o-t-e-t-o-s. Yay! A perfect, smart word! (someone holds up a sign spelling the correct word) Oh… that’s how you spell it.

(awkward silence)

Alyss: Well Iris? Let’s see how perfect you a- OH MY GOSH! (is in shock)

Iris: H-hi guys how is it going? (face is smeared with make-up, both eyes are puffy, and her head is wrapped in Band-Aids) Don’t I look beautiful?

Alyss: (unable to contain her triumph) Uh, no! This means that I, Alyss, the most popular girl in school, win the battle of perfection! I am the best! I AM THE BEST! Muahahah-

Enter Guinevere

Guinevere: (calmly) Actually, if we‘re going by your idea of perfection, than I am the most perfect girl in the world.

Alyss: (upset) I don’t care! What makes you think that you’re so perfect?

Resa: It’s because she’s skinny!

Kat: No, because she’s smart.

Tania: She’s perfect because she’s funny!

Iris: I think that Guinevere is perfect since she’s beautiful.

(Everyone starts arguing)

Guinevere: Stop the madness! (everyone stops and listens to her) Do you want to know why I’m perfect? Well, it’s because, it’s because I…it’s because-

(Everyone in the cafeteria leans in to hear)

Guinevere: I sit at home and drink nothing but tea.

(Complete and utter silence, except for crickets chirping)

Iris: But then-

Kat: All of our ideas-

Resa: Of perfection-

Tania: Are-

Everyone: Not perfect?!

End Act 3