Satire by Tiffany W.

In a place not so far from here or there was a boy walking down a road. This boy was the epitome of 'good looks' given by society. He fit the very description of brilliant blonde, wavy hair, shimmering blue eyes, tanned skin, tall body, and muscular build. It did not matter if his muscles were drawn on, they looked real enough. He had no flaws whatsoever in appearance, and that made him perfect because appearance and looks were the only thing that mattered of course.

It didn't matter if he was a complete idiot; a 16 year old that skipped classes and went to date girls. Nor did it matter if he flunked all his classes and partied every night. As long as he knew how to flick wavy golden hair, everything was fine. He got anything he wanted with a flash of his smile, and planned to marry a rich and pretty airhead when he grew up, to avoid doing any actual work. His looks could get him the majority of the opposite gender; rich airheads of the day, and they would be a perfect match in intelligence. This stupid, morally retarded, pretty-faced idiot was named Edwart Colon.

One day, as Edwart was walking down the same street, girls flanking him on each side, a talent-searcher, named Robutt Pettingsons was in town that day and saw Edwart's obvious talents in combing his hair. He decides to raise him to fame and glory because he had the very important talent of flipping medium length hair. Everyone voted for him because he had good taste in fashion and nice hair because that was all that mattered. He dropped out of school and started doing drugs, because that was the cool thing to do. He went into modeling and dealing drugs, so everyone loved him. Edwart slept around with many people, sometimes of both genders because he didn't know who he was sleeping with. He just knew it was cool, and he liked to do cool things.

As his face and name rose on to magazines and television, a recording company decided to make him a famous singer. It didn't matter if his singing sounded like a dying camel, they could just use autotune! Besides, people would focus too much on his face on the album cover than listen to the music. That way, the people could lazily produce strange works of music with no effort at all, and still get money!

The only strange thing that happened was that when Edwart went to a bar one night, he expected every girl to fling themselves on him. However, one girl in particular seemed to straight up have no interest in him at all! What a shocking discovery. “That girl must have some mental issues.” He said quietly to himself. The girl’s name was Kay-Lin Chang, and Edwart found out she was one of the ‘unpopular’ girls. Because she was unpopular, everyone bullied Kay-Lin. Edwart joined in. There was one more thing that was different: Kay-Lin did not even take the bullying like most unpopular people would. She seemed to be laughing at their insults, and fended for herself quite well. It was unsettling to Edwart, so he left the party immediately after.

Other than that, Edwart was having the time of his life. It was nothing less expected though. He got a really rich celebrity star as a date, and they won important awards such as most stylish attire, heaviest make-up, fabulous boots, and so on. However, what Edwart did not know what that this seemingly air-headed celebrity girl actually had some small level of intelligence! The celebrity girl, named Meggle Stew, was actually the sister of a man who was jealous of Edwart. The man, Jacow Stew, was not as rich as his sister, nor as pretty as Edwart. He sent his sister to go retrieve all Edwart's money and dump him after.

One night after a concert where they did not sing, only lip-synced to their autotuned record, Meggle confronted Edwart in their hotel suite.

"Dearest darlingest Edwart-pie-potatoes, I, Meggle Stew, like, think that you performed like fantabulous tonight, because you have like, money, and you're like, so hot, so nothing else like matters!" she squealed out in her signature high pitched annoying voice.

"Gee like, thanks my dearest darlingest Matilda!" He responded back with a goofy smile.

"It's Meggle, Edwart-potato-pie." She retorted, still with a big, red-lipped smile on her face. Her eyes squinted into slits because all the heavy make-up pushed up her cheeks when she smiled.

"Okay Malibu!" He gave another grin. Meggle just sighed and shook her head before recovering her previous composure.

"Anyway like, how did you think I did?" Meggle eased closer and batted her eyes about 30 times until she got dizzy herself. Her ridiculous lime-green feathered dress, taking up nearly half the room, shook and flopped in all directions as she tried to find the ground and stand up. Failing to do so, she gave up and continued to bat more lashes.

"Well of course, you could only do like, amazingtastic! You were like the prettiest girl on stage! Granted you stayed in one spot because your dress like, didn't let you move." Edwart returned her lashes with some of his own.

"I was the only girl on the stage." Meggle grimaced, but changed her expression back into a fake smile. "Well, like, my dress is too fabulous-tastic to move it on stage." She rolled her eyes, flipping her highlighted auburn ringlets back.

"I was just wondering, like, do you wanna like give all your money to me so I can show off to the world how rich and like, totally fashionable you are?” She flicked her hair back a couple more times and gave him her best eye-squinting, nose-wrinkling, nostril-flaring smile she could manage. Edwart, as clueless as he was, hugged her tightly and nodded his head.

“Of course! I’ll give you anything you wanted!” Edwart gazed into her shining brown eyes and signed the form that handed over all this money to Megle. The moment the form was in her hands, she immediately tore off the bottom half of the lime green skirt, kicked away Edwart and marched out of the room.

“Ouch! That really hurt!” Edwart rubbed his forehead. Jimmy Choos to the face were not things one would ever want to experience. “What was that for? Hey! Where are you going?” He was not used to being treated this way. Confusion cross his face as she walked out on him.

A moment later, two security guards came into the room and dragged Edwart out of the room by his feet. They hauled him downstairs and left him outside the hotel at night. Since he had been kicked out, Edwart had no where to go. He was 5 states away from home, and the alcohol he drank earlier that night was starting to get to him. Luckily for him, fangirls and fanboys from all around who were stalking him rushed out and dragged him to a party at one person’s house.

From there he decided to have a good time and got completely wasted. His actions while drunk were recorded and placed onto the internet, where it then became a viral video for millions all over the world to see. His reputation was ruined, he lost his job, and the overdose of drugs and alcohol turned his face ugly. The Edwart now had no fans, no home, and no one that would acknowledge him as the beautiful person all over the city’s billboards.

What happened to Edwart was everyone’s worst nightmare: he became unpopular. For the first time in his life he was the one in the corner hiding from everyone and getting bullied. He began to regret what he did to unpopular people back when he was a celebrity. His thoughts came back to Kay-Lin, the strange unpopular girl he had met back in his popular days. How could she handle being unpopular? This is the worst! But she didn’t even seem fazed by it… what does fazed even mean? I just heard smart people say that word a lot… His thoughts trailed on as he made his way to find the next shelter he could spend the night in. A bar up ahead flashed neon colours. “Maybe I should just get drunk and forget it all” he thought aloud.

Once in the bar, Edwart remembered this was the same bar he had seen Kay-Lin in. Unsurprisingly, she was there in the corner this time as well. Wanting to find out how she managed to cope with being shunned by nearly everyone in the bar, Edwart walked up to her, avoiding being jostled by the crowd.

“Well look who’s here? Isn’t that a surprise?” Kay-Lin sneered. “Looks like Mr. Popular isn’t so popular anymore is he?” She continued taunting him, just the way he used to taunt her, until Edwart had enough and threw a tantrum.

“What an unsightly little boy. You’re as immature and ridiculous as can be. I guess that’s what all air-headed celebrities are like, even ones cast out by their own kind.” She lifted her chin, looking down on Edwart. He didn’t understand a lot of the big words she used, but he got the general idea of what Kay-Lin was saying.

“Okay, okay I get it. I know I’ve been a jerk and all but I think I finally understand what it’s like being shunned by everyone. But how can you stand it?” Edwart pouted and crossed his arms.

“Wow, the airhead is finally coming to his senses eh? Look ‘Edwart Colon’,” Kay-Lin cross her arms as well, except she took on a more authoritative stance. “Not everything is about popularity, or being liked by everyone by your status in society. You gotta learn the important things in life, like friendship and true love. You gotta learn to be intelligent and wise. Looks aren’t everything; they change. They aren’t permanent. Talent stays. You have absolutely no talent at all, so once your looks and fame fail you, then you got nothin’ to keep you famous.

“You wanna know how I get through it all? Well guess what, I actually have friends. Is that word new to you? I could care less about being popular. Popularity and fashion mean nothing to me. Life is about having fun and living it to the fullest. You cannot do that if you do not have friends or true love. The so called ‘love’ that you think you felt from your previous fans, is fake. They are infatuated with you based on your looks and popularity. Real friends are friends because they love each other for who they are inside, regardless of how they appear.”

As Kay-Lin finished her lecture, Edwart attempted to process all the information that entered his tiny little brain. He began to realize that life was not about popularity and good looks.

“Hey, could you maybe teach me to think like you? To have… friends?” Edwart gave Kay-Lin a pleading look. For a moment they both were silent. Then all of a sudden Kay-Lin burst out laughing. She doubled over, unable to contain her laughter.

“Me? Te-haha-teach you? How to ha-haha-ve friends? Oh that’s a likely story indeed-haha, very funny. Good one Edwart.” She snickered. Edwart frowned and stomped his feet. “Come on, give me a chance. I really feel like I can change.” He begged. Kay-Lin raised an eyebrow, skeptical. “Oh you’re serious? Dude, you have NO HOPE of changing.” She retorted. After further persuasion and begging, she finally gave in. “Fine, I’ll give you one chance. Hang around me and my buddies. I’m sure you’ll learn a thing or two about friendship.” She consented.

From then on, Edwart observed and followed along Kay-Lin and her ways with her friends. He began to finally learn what he had been missing. The ideas of popularity and appearance soon left his mind. After a few months, Edwart and Kay-Lin became somewhat okay friends. Kay-Lin was very proud of her work. She finally got him to see the beautiful things in life, the things that counted. On the one final day where she confronted him and asked him how he saw things, Edwart replied confidently and with a big smile plastered to his face.

“Thank you so much for teaching me the true meaning to life. I now understand that stuff such as appearances and looks don’t make you popular. That’s not the stuff that matters, and that’s not the stuff that will get you successful in life.” Edwart paused. Kay-Lin waited for the moment, excited at his next words. “I’ve realized, that the most important thing in life… is money!”

Everything fell apart for Kay-Lin. “You. Are. Hopeless! The most idiotic being I have ever met!” And from then on, Kay-Lin abandoned Edwart as well. He ended up living a short life with false ideals in his mind, while Kay-Lin soon rose to fame years later as a world-famous scientist and surgeon. The celebrities rose and fell, but Kay-Lin had a stable income until she retired with more money in the bank than those celebrities ever had.