Revised Satire

At Peebee Academy, there was a fine young man as the student council president. He believed he was well admired among his peers, and well respected as a senior. As the valedictorian of the graduating class, knowledge came easily to him. Now all that’s left in his way are the exams. This is the story of Cassimere (also known as Le’SmartyPants) and how he almost survived exam week.



“There he is!” said Molly, as she jumped with glee when she spotted Cassimere in the hallway. As the typical pretty blonde, she was the head cheerleader and without a brain.

Sal lingered behind her in a lazy manner. “Do I really have to follow you? What do you see in that guy anyways?” complained Sal. Sal’s physical features can be best described as a sloth, both in movement and his so-called dreamy face.

Molly turned to him in disgust. “Well, of course you don’t see how gorg-,” she stopped, trying to think of a word but decided it was too much hard work. “He’s just really cute, ok?” Molly left him and ran up to Cassimere. Sal rolled his eyes, for he knew it was no coincidence Molly had found Cassimere in the hallway. The three of them were in the same senior homeroom, and therefore it becomes easier to stalk someone.

“Cassimere!” Molly said as she ran to give him the biggest bear hug she could.

“Molly, you’re choking me.” Cassimere’s words came out as a little whimper. She released him and apologized. “Have you studied for the exams on Friday yet?” he asked.

“Well…” she stretched out the word as much as she could. Her eyes were rolling in their sockets as if the answer were somewhere in the little over-crowded hallway. Cassimere laughed and patted her head.

“You should get started. We only get three days to review in class.”

Sal walked up to the two and had a little bounce in his step, and leaned against the wall. He looked at Cassimere as if they were sworn enemies since they were children. “Sal, you have a little something on your nose.” Sal shrugged and used his spit to rub off the dirt. Cassimere winced at the sight. “Have you turned in your college forms yet, Sal?”

Sal’s eyes grew large, and he darted for the counselor’s office saying, “Oh poop!”

Cassimere and Molly laughed. “Which college are you going to, Molly?”

Molly took more than a while to think of an answer. “I think it was called Peebee Academy.” Cassimere looked at her with an expression crossed between pity and there’s-no-way-in-the-world-to-help-this-person.

“M-Molly… you do realize you’re attending Peebee Academy right now, right?” he said as gently as he could. Molly looked at him and cocked her head to the side. Her expression was blank, besides the beautiful smile she always wore.

The bell rang, which signaled the students to go to homeroom. They walked with each other through the sea of students and miraculously entered their classroom in time, as they did each day of school. Cassimere entered the room with a mien of nobility, because he believed classmates admired him and respected him so much. He saw students throwing paper balls at each other and girls doing their make-up in class. Molly went to join the girls. As Cassimere sat at his desk, one of his peers shouted, “Hey! Le’SmartyPants, what did you do on the weekend?”

Then another one followed, “Dude, I bet he just studies all the time. I don’t think he even has a life.” The usual symphony of mockery ensued, as it always has each day for the past year. Cassimere laughed and shrugged it off as his classmates’ admiration towards him.

The bell blared its annoying shriek, and the students walked to their first period classroom. Cassimere and Molly (who both had the same classes together, and even more intriguingly, sat next to each other each class). Cassimere thought nothing of it at first, and then he began feeling awkward around her.

They arrived at AP Spanish—only God knows how Molly made it into an AP class. Class started and the teacher lectured with his endless monotone. Students were sleeping in their own drool in five minutes. There was a loud creak form the door as Sal entered the room. “Sorry I’m late, teach.”

“Whatever,” the teacher mumbled. He went back to lecturing.

Sal sat adjacent to Cassimere and Molly. He watched as Cassimere fidgeted and laughed nervously to everything Molly said. Sal leaned over to Cassimere and gave him a punch on the arm. “Dude, if you like her just ask her out.” Cassimere’s face immediately turned bright red.

Molly looked at him. “Why are your cheeks so red?” she said as she poked him.

Cassimere blushed even harder. “Nothing!”

“He wants to ask you out, Molly.”

Molly gasped, squealed and jumped at the same time. “Like OMG, we can totally go to the beach, shopping and…” For the rest of the period, Molly and Cassimere chatted endlessly about their summer plans. Sal leaned over to his other friend.

“They’re totally going to bum their exams.”



Cassimere walked through the hallways with a dreamy smile on Tuesday. Exams were the last thing on his mind now. All he could think about was talking with Molly, hanging out with Molly, and anything that would mean Molly was by his side.

The students in the crowded hallway took one look at Cassimere and started their daily gossip. “I heard that he and Molly…”

“No way! He’s with that airhead?”

“Shh! He’ll hear us!”

But all Cassimere could hear were Molly’s summer plans replaying in his head. He went straight to homeroom, and the daily symphony of mockery started yet again. Cassimere waited for Molly until she finally came in when the bell rang. She ran to him and hugged him. “Hi!” she said with her biggest smile. And for the rest of Tuesday, they couldn’t be separated more than a meter from each other.



Thursday was the day before exams. Teachers gave all the assignments for review (that they said were helpful, but agreed with the students it was just busy work). With the I-don’t-give-a-poop attitude, most of the students were out of their seats and doing whatever they please. Cassimere and Molly sat in their chairs and talked endlessly throughout their classes. Displeased, their Spanish teacher came up to Cassimere and said “Cassimere, have you already studied?”

Cassimere gave a nervous laugh, “I’ll study tonight.”



Friday approached, and Cassimere was about to start studying for the exams tomorrow. On his desk were a dim desk lamp and a laptop. “Ok… time to get down to business,” he said as he stretched his arms. He let out a sigh. “I really don’t feel like doing this…” He checked his instant messenger to see if anyone was on, and it just so happened that Molly online as well. Cassimere’s heart raced as he sent Molly a simple “Hey”.

It seemed as if Molly typed a letter per minute. In six minutes’ time, Molly replied, “hi <333”. Cassimere was ecstatic. The two chatted with each other for the rest of the night until dawn had already broken and it was time for school.

“Honey, you didn’t even eat breakfast yet. What are you doing?” Cassimere’s mother asked.

Cassimere quickly shut laptop. “Breakfast isn’t that important, Mom.” He left it closed until his mother left and opened it again. “Hey Molly-bear, I have to go. See you at school!” He checked the time. It was 8:03, meaning Cassimere was late for school on the first day of exams. He ran out the door as fast as he could and made it to school in five minutes’ time.

When he entered his homeroom, everyone stared at him and snickered. “Hey look, Mr. Perfect’s late today.”

“Well duh, I bet he was studying his butt off. Weren’t you, Le’SmartyPants?”

The class burst into laughter while Cassimere silently slumped in his seat. He turned to Molly, who was looking as beautiful as ever. She looked back at Cassimere. “Hey Cass-poo, why do your eyes look funny today?”

Sal turned Cassimere around and looked directly into his eyes. “He probably didn’t get any sleep last night. Were you really studying that hard?” Cassimere didn’t reply. “I mean, look at me. I don’t get the best grades but at least I don’t look like a wild panda.” Cassimere gave Sal a little punch and walked to their first class.

As the teacher was passing out exams and giving instructions, Cassimere’s eyelids felt heavy like bricks. He heard the teacher say “Begin”, and he fell asleep right after.



Whack! Cassimere jumped in his seat, and a striking pain befell on his head. He looked up, and his Spanish teacher had an ominous look. It finally dawned on Cassimere that he had fallen asleep during exams. He checked the time, and it was already the end of the school day. The teacher let out a sigh and sat down next to him. “What happened?” the teacher asked.

Cassimere began hitting his head as punishment, because he knew his Asian parents would never allow this. “I didn’t get any sleep last night,” he simply said. “I didn’t eat any breakfast, and I didn’t even have time to study.”

“And why didn’t you have time?”

Cassimere thought of everything he was doing for the past week. There wasn’t an instance where Molly was not present in his memory. “Maybe I was too busy with dating the girl I like…”

And right after, Cassimere texted Molly that he was breaking up with her. With her third-rate spelling and grammar skills, Molly replied back with a hate letter. Cassimere was still the valedictorian, but he endured the memory of failing his senior exams for the rest of his life.