Horror Story Satire
Greg and his wife, Stephanie, moved to Wyoming and are looking for a house to live in after escaping the great acne epidemic in Colorado. They find a real estate agent and ask him for the cheapest house they can stay in before going back home
Agent: (in a raspy voice) Welcome, summoned ones. May I interest you in an oversized and expensive dwelling place?
Stephanie: Oh my. What an odd fellow.
Greg: Hello, my good man. My family and I will be living in this state for only a short while, so we wish to see the cheapest house you have to offer.
Agent: … Crazy knuckleheads. I’ll see what I can do for you
Greg: Thank you?
Agent: Ahh, here we go. This one is $1.35 per night. I’ll get you the address.
Stephanie: That’s amazingly cheap! What’s wrong with it?!
Agent: Absolutely nothing! However, people don’t want to buy it when I tell them it was built over a cemetery whish was use to bury the deceased prisoners, which was built on top of a mental asylum, which was built on the ancient torture chambers of the ancient peoples.
Greg: Why would we buy the house now that you told us that?
Agent: Because It has a coffee shop across the street?
Stephanie: Let’s go!
Greg and Stephanie drive to the house’s address when a thunderstorm begins.
Greg: Just our luck, Steph. We ran out of gas. At least we reached the house. What’s that vulture doing circling the house? It could get electrocuted in the storm.
Stephanie: Can we go to the coffee shop now?
Greg: It’s almost 10:00 at night. You won’t be able to fall asleep if you have caffeine.
Stephanie: Then why don’t we just talk with the waiter for a while?
Greg: Alright, but only for a while. We have to start unpacking soon
The couple walks into the coffee shop and sees a single waiter cleaning the counter.
Stephanie: Hello! Can I have a mocha cappuccino?
Waiter: Sorry lady. We’re closing. What are you two doing out here in the middle of Wyoming on a stormy night anyway?
Greg: We have come from afar to find a temporary home, and the house just across the street will suit us until we may return to Colorado.
Waiter: You picked the wrong place, sonny. That there house is haunted by a terrible monster. It has four long gangly limbs, a body that is 6 feet tall, a jet black mustache, and comes out only at night. It has the strength to lift a small child, the speed of a fat elephant, and feeds on wild animals.
Greg: Ha! What a far-fetched story. There are no wild elephants in North America! Come dear, and we will leave this crazy bitter man with his silly stories.
Waiter: Please come again.
The couple walks into the house and they begin to settle down.
Stephanie: They should take better care of this house. There are cobwebs and dirt everywhere, and I feel a draft.
Greg: There’s no electricity either.
Stephanie: I think this is the Adams family’s residence.
Greg: Oh, look dear. This must be the bedroom.
Stephanie: I don’t think beds are made of spikes and leather straps. This next room must be the bedroom.
Greg: Darn this storm. The roof is leaking.
Stephanie: Just use a bucket to catch the water
Greg and Stephanie wash up and get into bed.
Stephanie: Greg, what was that? I heard a thump.
Greg: It’s probably just the storm. The wind could have pushed a branch against the window.
Stephanie: Now I hear footsteps. There are footsteps, Greg!
Greg: Maybe the vulture is walking around on our roof.
Stephanie: Shhh. Do you hear that? It sounds like an old man moaning in pain!
Greg: …. That is a very sick vulture.
Stephanie: I can’t sleep! What if it is that horrible monster that the waiter told us about? He said it has the strength to lift a fat elephant, the speed of a wild animal, and eats small children with mustaches.
Greg: I don’t think that was quite what he said. Besides, there are no such things as North American elephants. I’ll search around the house with you to prove that there are no monsters
The couple gets out of bed and they proceed down the hallway.
Greg: See? Nothing is here. Now let’s check behind this door.
Stephanie: Don’t open the door.
Greg: Why not?
Stephanie: You’re not supposed to open the door.
Greg: Oh, for heaven’s sake! I’m opening the door! (Greg slowly reaches for the door and opens it)
Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Greg: Calm down, Steph! It’s just a goat.
Stephanie: Oh. Alright, I guess there was nothing to be afrai …. Did you hear that?
Greg: What now?
Stephanie: I hear a scratching noise coming from the other door.
Greg: You mean this one? (Greg opens the second door, and a 6 foot tall smelly monster with a long stick steps out)
Monster: Howzit?
Goat: BAAAAAAA!
Greg: Run away!!!
Stephanie: AHHHH!
Greg, Stephanie, and the goat run away as fast as they can as the monster slowly limps after them.
Greg: Stephanie! If we die, we will die together! That monster may rip off our faces, but it cannot tear apart our love.
Stephanie: Get a hold of yourself Greg! We can beat this horrible mustache monster! All we have to do is pour water on it!
Greg: What kind of logic is that?
Stephanie: Mustaches don’t like to get wet, and it works in all of the movies.
Greg: All of the movies? Really?
Stephanie: Yes! Remember the leaky roof? I’ll bet that the bucket caught enough water to wash the monster out of existence!
Goat: Baaaaa.
Greg: Whatever. Maybe the water will surprise it long enough for us to get to the exit.
The couple grabs the bucket of water and they wait for the monster in the hall.
Monster: Euhghhhaahhh! (walks slowly toward the couple)
Greg; Here it comes.
Stephanie: Ahhhhhh!
Monster: Heyuuuuhhh!
Greg: It’s still coming
Monster: Ihavaheerughnh!
Greg: Getting closer
Stephanie: Just pour the water!
Greg pours the water on the monster.
Monster: Yowww!
Stephanie: You did it! We killed it!
Greg: Wait a minute. This isn’t a monster. See the dirt washing away? It’s old man Jenkins!
Jenkins: Thank you, my boy. I was parched. That water is very refreshing.
Stephanie: I guess that explains the moaning, but why are you so dirty?
Jenkins: I tripped over a lawn sprinkler in the mud outside, so I came into this house. When I realized that It is illegal to enter a house without permission, I tried to hide. Then, I realized that I should just ask you for a towel, but you screamed and ran away.
Greg: Why were you walking in so slowly and creepily toward us?
Jenkins: I’m called old man for a reason. That’s why I normally walk with my cane.
Stephanie: What are you even doing here in the middle of Wyoming old man Jenkins?
Jenkins: I’m looking for my goat. Now that I found it, I will leave. Good luck you two, and merry Christmas! (Old man Jenkins rides away on his goat)
Greg: That was strange. I have one more unanswered question though. Where did that monster story come from anyway?
Waiter: I made it up to scare people!
Stephanie: Ahh! Where did you come from?
Waiter: I walk to work every morning. I heard you yahoos talking about me so I came over.
Greg: Making up stories is bad for business, you know?
Waiter: Need some gas?
Greg: Umm, yes. Actually, I do. Let’s leave, Steph. Wyoming is too much for me to handle. I’d rather be a part of the acne epidemic.
Greg fills his car with gas and the couple rides away into the sunset.
The end.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Satire by Brigid N.
Phil Copeland stared into the dirty water of his sink, watching chunks of soggy food bob and float around before switching on the garbage disposal and turning away. The chores were finally done. Now he could watch TV and collapse into a sleep-deprived stupor in peace.
A reality show was playing. Spray-tanned chicks were prancing around in nightclubs, vomiting into their cocktail glasses. Yes, this would do. Phil watched until his eyes glazed over and the television became a blur, an ever-moving display of lights and whispers. He blinked, and then it was morning.
Sunday morning, which meant it was time to scrub the stain out of his blazer and go to church. Phil rolled off of the couch, reveling in the stretch of his aching back. He shaved sloppily and grabbed a sponge. A bit of soap and a few minutes of elbow grease later, the spot on his blazer had been replaced by a threadbare wasteland of faded fabric. Close enough.
Breakfast consisted of a cup of non-dairy creamer with a splash of coffee in it. After that, he shuffled into his second-hand Toyota and rolled past the local homeless shelter to the glossy marble church on the other end of town. It was packed with disgruntled old men and housewives like red bowling balls, but he managed to find a seat.
The pastor began reading from his lectern, his ample stomach jiggling through his robes at every word he enunciated. After a few passages on the fires of hell, he spoke with his own words. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate as people in the Body of Christ. Remember this, and you'll get to the pearly gates in the sky. If you don't, or if you turn gay or something, Jesus will send your spirit into the ground to burn for eternity. He loves you that much." People sat rapt, murmuring prayers or Amens every once in a while. The pastor cleared his throat and continued. "Remember, God blesses us all. Be thankful for what he does for you, his children. That coffee you drank this morning? That was God coffee. God did it. That stubbed toe you got when you walked downstairs to the kitchen? That was Go- no, that was all because of your total free will. However, the pain and suffering that some of us endure can all be solved through prayer. Pray enough, and God will either fix everything for you or not do anything to teach you a lesson about those less fortunate or starving kids in Africa or something..." He trailed off, his brow furrowing. "Either way, God helps. And how do we know?" He paused for a few seconds with a self-indulgent grin on his face. "The Bible says so. It was written a long time ago by people that were very devout and intelligent. We know they were because they wrote that in the Bible." He smiled and drank in the church's applause. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes, abortions cause hurricanes. Anyway, turn your prayer books to..."
<~(o)~>
Phil hurriedly stepped into his car, peeled off his blazer and button-down shirt, and changed into his work clothes. His shift at Burger Buddies started in 10 minutes. He drove out of the parking lot, his T-shirt still lopsidedly hanging off of his face, and headed for the freeway.
He arrived at Burger Buddies with 54 seconds to spare and pulled his shirt on all the way before clocking in. It was time for 8 hours of sweaty, greasy hell. He stepped behind the counter, wiped down the counter top and then his face with a paper towel, and flipped over a paper sign to open his cash register to the hungry populace. Work had begun.
"Okay, sweethaht, this is a long one. Two Beta Burgers with extra cheese, one Baby Burger with no mayo, One FryBurg with extra cheese AND no mayo..." a lady drawled in his general direction as three or four little kids pulled at her sleeves. "...and remember, that's a SMALL chocolate shake and a MEDIUM coffee." She finished and handed him a credit card as he scrawled down her order and handed it to Teresa, the fry chick. Goodness knew where it went from there. He put on his plasticy work-smile and turned to face the next customer. Some "plan" God had for him. He'd been the first person in his family to go to college, and now he was making half as much as his parents at a trashy fast-food place. For Chrissake, he was a BA! The world worked in cruel ways. He'd gone to college, been rejected from teaching and management positions due to lack of experience, and ended up working the cash register at his local burger joint. It was a life devoid of any divine intervention at all. Buy hey, he thought, at least he wasn't one of those starving kids in Africa. God must really hate them!
<~(o)~>
After work, Phil sat in his apartment and ate from an old box of Cheetos. His cell phone rang. He draped a towel over his greasy hand and reached for it. Crap. It was his mother. He reluctantly pressed 'Talk' and flopped back onto the couch with the phone cradled between his ear and his neck. With an 'ahem' and a burst of static, his mom checked up on her eldest son.
"Sweetheart! How goes it?"
He winced at the syrupy nickname. "I'm... fine. How's it going with you?"
"Oh I am just great. Your father and I are leading a youth retreat next weekend, so we're preparing for that."
Phil knew the drill. She wanted him to ask her about the retreat. The woman lived for the opportunity to let everyone know what a pious citizen she was. "Oh. And what're you guys doing for this retreat?
"Oh, it's going to be all about worship, love and defending our faith from the commu-fascist evil liberal agenda." She tittered. "The kids are going to have so much fun arguing against the separation of church and state and doing vocal exercises to shout down anyone who dares to question God."
He put on his fake smile and hoped she could see it through the phone. "That sounds great, Mom."
"It sure does! Bye bye honey." She hung up, leaving Phil wondering if she had called for any reason other than to talk about herself.
He shrugged and resumed staring out the window. The homeless shelter across the street was busy as usual. Kids in shapeless T-shirts played with grimy toys as their mothers leaned against the wall and smoked. It was a section of the block that no real color or emotion permeated. Just a grayish little section of land, a cauldron of yearning and numb sadness. What did these people have to be grateful for? Who did they compare themselves to to convince themselves that they were blessed? How many members of the elite stepped into their glossy cars and left these people in the dust on their way to Church to learn how to be more like Jesus? But who was he to question his faith? It was something you just accepted , because if you started to question it, it would become less credible and maybe you'd stop believing. Then you'd think that maybe there was no giant, invisible, all-seeing force that ruled over the universe and hated gay people. To even begin to think that was terrible. He might be sent underground and burned for eternity after death. Phil shivered and turned on the TV to numb his overactive mind.
<~(o)~>
A week passed uneventfully. Time slowed down in favor of an endless cycle of work, food-esque items, and sleep. When the weekend rolled around again, the one thing that Phil dreaded, oddly enough, was going to Church. It was though he had seen it do something dirty and now he couldn't look it in the eye. Usually, it was the other way around. But obligations were obligations. He pulled on his ratty blazer and drove to the same shiny church he'd been attending for the entire 23 years of his life. This time, however, it felt... different. The halls didn't shine with the same luster they used to. The sense of anticipation before the mass itself wasn't quite so tangible.
The priest stood at his lectern as always, his robes flowing around his ample figure. The crowd sat rapt as usual. Phil, however, had changed. He felt an odd sense of detachment, as though he were some greater being peering at the mass through a lens. An unpleasant image was fighting its way into his mind: that of a cult, in which robed figures whispered dark incantations to deities of smoke and mirrors, bolstered by the wide-eyed and desperate. The image closed in, shadowy and foreboding, as the oxygen seemed to disappear from the air he was breathing. He felt as though he were being drawn into some dark, arcane abyss. The pew in front of him seemed to swim before his eyes.
Phil couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and walked away. The hallway in front of him became asphalt and then a yellowish field as he strode faster and faster before finally breaking into a run. He sprinted, not feeling the ground underneath him, until his legs gave out and he collapsed. For a while, the world consisted of just him and a little blade of grass, buffeted by the wind. But he knew he had to face reality at one time or another. He was lying in a field playing with a bit of grass and sobbing like an idiot. His car was still in the church parking lot. He had work today. His mother was going to call him this afternoon.
Finally, he stood up, wiped his face, and turned to face the rest of his life. The church looked to be about a quarter-mile away. There was an apartment building directly to his left, which meant that his nihilistic little spectacle had been seen by a couple hundred people. Phil shook his head, laughed mirthlessly, and started back towards the parking lot.
Work. The ultimate in monotony. It numbed the restless mind and cooled the fluctuating mood. After 8 hours of soul-crushing cashiering, he almost felt like himself again. Almost. Phil's work-numbness was replaced by unfiltered dread the instant he unlocked the door to his apartment. His mom was going to be calling sometime during the next hour. He treated his phone like an explosive, setting it on the kitchen table and darting away.
When it finally rang, Phil took a deep breath. One word replies, he reminded himself. Poker voice. Everything is fine. He pressed the 'Talk' button with the sentiment of a samurai on a suicide mission.
"Afternoon, sweetie!" His mother chirped with her usual pep.
"Hey... hi mom."
"So, I'm sure you're just DYING to hear about the retreat."
"Of course I am! How was it?" He winced and prepared himself for her gushy reply.
"Oh, it was just wonderful! All of the kids had a very good time cleansing themselves of demons and learning to trust God more completely. One of them, Sarah, told us that she was a lesbian, so we all very much enjoyed telling her how disgusting and inhuman she was. And it was just wonderful to look up at the stars! A little boy tried to tell us how they had been created over billions of years by the gravitational pull of superheated gases, so we punished him with the 'prayer rod' for his blasphemous theories. It was amazing! You know, you should help out at one of these retreats sometime. We could use some more volunteers."
"Er... no thanks, Mom."
"Oh? And why not?" The touch of venom in her voice was unmistakable.
"Well... um... strictly speaking, I'm not really into that sort of thing anymore, you know..."
"'Anymore?' What on EARTH are you talking about?"
He was fed up with her and her control over what he felt and thought. "It means this, mom. I'm fed up with your arcane, baseless beliefs and ancient prejudices. I'm done with worshipping the empty air. I'm not going to stand for-"
She cut him off. "You are no son of mine, you Satanist. There will be no more calls. There will be no more money now or in the future. Enjoy your pitiful life, you disgusting worm." The dial tone rang in his ear. She had hung up. He lay on the couch, feeling like a blimp whose last connection to earth had just been cut.
<~(o)~>
Weeks passed. Notices piled up. Bills went unpaid and Phil worked overtime in vain. It was only a matter of time before he could hold on no longer. Finally, the day of reckoning came. He was drowning in debt and a nice young couple needed an apartment. Numb, he stepped out of that shrine to IKEA furniture for the last time.
For a while, Phil just slept in his car. He still had enough funds from his job at Burger Buddies to keep himself fed. But when he was fired from his job due to 'poor work performance' and two men shoved a letter from his mother in his face and took away the Toyota, he found himself with nowhere to turn. That homeless shelter he had gazed at for so many weeks seemed very much real. Its gray numbness threatened to overwhelm him.
Days and nights seemed to blend. The world had lost its color. He had lost his purpose. He had lost the only support that had kept him off of the streets. If only he'd majored in Politics, Phil often thought wryly. He'd be better able to communicate with his fellow humans, the ones he was stuck on this mossy rock of a planet with. But hey, maybe the religious people had it figured out. You could explain everything with a god. You could quench your fear of mortality with a god. You could stay shallow and happy by making up a deity and worshipping it. With vague words and rituals, one could shut out the harshness of the universe and feel warm and fuzzy inside. You could shape the face of the earth and control an entire populace with groundless belief. Faith was where people turned when they felt worthless. Faith was a place to shut down the rational mind and suspend common sense for the sake of spreading magic water on your face and murmuring assurances to an invisible man in the sky that an old guy with a robe told you was there. It was all so stupid, and that was what kept people happy. Mindlessness was a drug, an opiate for the populace. Phil sighed and chuckled mirthlessly. He thought too much to be happy. He was useless, a burden on a society that just wanted to believe in something that wasn't there.
After a few days of cynical observation and bitter thoughts, Phil decided it was time to leave the earth to itself. It was unknowing and it liked it that way. He found a bit of rope in a dumpster, then trudged down to the lake near his former apartment building. The water was green and wriggling with slimy life forms. He tied a sloppy knot and pinned his arms behind his back, then lied down on the rocky shore and plunged his torso into the murky water. His last thoughts were of murky water as he succumbed to the black abyss.
A reality show was playing. Spray-tanned chicks were prancing around in nightclubs, vomiting into their cocktail glasses. Yes, this would do. Phil watched until his eyes glazed over and the television became a blur, an ever-moving display of lights and whispers. He blinked, and then it was morning.
Sunday morning, which meant it was time to scrub the stain out of his blazer and go to church. Phil rolled off of the couch, reveling in the stretch of his aching back. He shaved sloppily and grabbed a sponge. A bit of soap and a few minutes of elbow grease later, the spot on his blazer had been replaced by a threadbare wasteland of faded fabric. Close enough.
Breakfast consisted of a cup of non-dairy creamer with a splash of coffee in it. After that, he shuffled into his second-hand Toyota and rolled past the local homeless shelter to the glossy marble church on the other end of town. It was packed with disgruntled old men and housewives like red bowling balls, but he managed to find a seat.
The pastor began reading from his lectern, his ample stomach jiggling through his robes at every word he enunciated. After a few passages on the fires of hell, he spoke with his own words. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate as people in the Body of Christ. Remember this, and you'll get to the pearly gates in the sky. If you don't, or if you turn gay or something, Jesus will send your spirit into the ground to burn for eternity. He loves you that much." People sat rapt, murmuring prayers or Amens every once in a while. The pastor cleared his throat and continued. "Remember, God blesses us all. Be thankful for what he does for you, his children. That coffee you drank this morning? That was God coffee. God did it. That stubbed toe you got when you walked downstairs to the kitchen? That was Go- no, that was all because of your total free will. However, the pain and suffering that some of us endure can all be solved through prayer. Pray enough, and God will either fix everything for you or not do anything to teach you a lesson about those less fortunate or starving kids in Africa or something..." He trailed off, his brow furrowing. "Either way, God helps. And how do we know?" He paused for a few seconds with a self-indulgent grin on his face. "The Bible says so. It was written a long time ago by people that were very devout and intelligent. We know they were because they wrote that in the Bible." He smiled and drank in the church's applause. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes, abortions cause hurricanes. Anyway, turn your prayer books to..."
<~(o)~>
Phil hurriedly stepped into his car, peeled off his blazer and button-down shirt, and changed into his work clothes. His shift at Burger Buddies started in 10 minutes. He drove out of the parking lot, his T-shirt still lopsidedly hanging off of his face, and headed for the freeway.
He arrived at Burger Buddies with 54 seconds to spare and pulled his shirt on all the way before clocking in. It was time for 8 hours of sweaty, greasy hell. He stepped behind the counter, wiped down the counter top and then his face with a paper towel, and flipped over a paper sign to open his cash register to the hungry populace. Work had begun.
"Okay, sweethaht, this is a long one. Two Beta Burgers with extra cheese, one Baby Burger with no mayo, One FryBurg with extra cheese AND no mayo..." a lady drawled in his general direction as three or four little kids pulled at her sleeves. "...and remember, that's a SMALL chocolate shake and a MEDIUM coffee." She finished and handed him a credit card as he scrawled down her order and handed it to Teresa, the fry chick. Goodness knew where it went from there. He put on his plasticy work-smile and turned to face the next customer. Some "plan" God had for him. He'd been the first person in his family to go to college, and now he was making half as much as his parents at a trashy fast-food place. For Chrissake, he was a BA! The world worked in cruel ways. He'd gone to college, been rejected from teaching and management positions due to lack of experience, and ended up working the cash register at his local burger joint. It was a life devoid of any divine intervention at all. Buy hey, he thought, at least he wasn't one of those starving kids in Africa. God must really hate them!
<~(o)~>
After work, Phil sat in his apartment and ate from an old box of Cheetos. His cell phone rang. He draped a towel over his greasy hand and reached for it. Crap. It was his mother. He reluctantly pressed 'Talk' and flopped back onto the couch with the phone cradled between his ear and his neck. With an 'ahem' and a burst of static, his mom checked up on her eldest son.
"Sweetheart! How goes it?"
He winced at the syrupy nickname. "I'm... fine. How's it going with you?"
"Oh I am just great. Your father and I are leading a youth retreat next weekend, so we're preparing for that."
Phil knew the drill. She wanted him to ask her about the retreat. The woman lived for the opportunity to let everyone know what a pious citizen she was. "Oh. And what're you guys doing for this retreat?
"Oh, it's going to be all about worship, love and defending our faith from the commu-fascist evil liberal agenda." She tittered. "The kids are going to have so much fun arguing against the separation of church and state and doing vocal exercises to shout down anyone who dares to question God."
He put on his fake smile and hoped she could see it through the phone. "That sounds great, Mom."
"It sure does! Bye bye honey." She hung up, leaving Phil wondering if she had called for any reason other than to talk about herself.
He shrugged and resumed staring out the window. The homeless shelter across the street was busy as usual. Kids in shapeless T-shirts played with grimy toys as their mothers leaned against the wall and smoked. It was a section of the block that no real color or emotion permeated. Just a grayish little section of land, a cauldron of yearning and numb sadness. What did these people have to be grateful for? Who did they compare themselves to to convince themselves that they were blessed? How many members of the elite stepped into their glossy cars and left these people in the dust on their way to Church to learn how to be more like Jesus? But who was he to question his faith? It was something you just accepted , because if you started to question it, it would become less credible and maybe you'd stop believing. Then you'd think that maybe there was no giant, invisible, all-seeing force that ruled over the universe and hated gay people. To even begin to think that was terrible. He might be sent underground and burned for eternity after death. Phil shivered and turned on the TV to numb his overactive mind.
<~(o)~>
A week passed uneventfully. Time slowed down in favor of an endless cycle of work, food-esque items, and sleep. When the weekend rolled around again, the one thing that Phil dreaded, oddly enough, was going to Church. It was though he had seen it do something dirty and now he couldn't look it in the eye. Usually, it was the other way around. But obligations were obligations. He pulled on his ratty blazer and drove to the same shiny church he'd been attending for the entire 23 years of his life. This time, however, it felt... different. The halls didn't shine with the same luster they used to. The sense of anticipation before the mass itself wasn't quite so tangible.
The priest stood at his lectern as always, his robes flowing around his ample figure. The crowd sat rapt as usual. Phil, however, had changed. He felt an odd sense of detachment, as though he were some greater being peering at the mass through a lens. An unpleasant image was fighting its way into his mind: that of a cult, in which robed figures whispered dark incantations to deities of smoke and mirrors, bolstered by the wide-eyed and desperate. The image closed in, shadowy and foreboding, as the oxygen seemed to disappear from the air he was breathing. He felt as though he were being drawn into some dark, arcane abyss. The pew in front of him seemed to swim before his eyes.
Phil couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and walked away. The hallway in front of him became asphalt and then a yellowish field as he strode faster and faster before finally breaking into a run. He sprinted, not feeling the ground underneath him, until his legs gave out and he collapsed. For a while, the world consisted of just him and a little blade of grass, buffeted by the wind. But he knew he had to face reality at one time or another. He was lying in a field playing with a bit of grass and sobbing like an idiot. His car was still in the church parking lot. He had work today. His mother was going to call him this afternoon.
Finally, he stood up, wiped his face, and turned to face the rest of his life. The church looked to be about a quarter-mile away. There was an apartment building directly to his left, which meant that his nihilistic little spectacle had been seen by a couple hundred people. Phil shook his head, laughed mirthlessly, and started back towards the parking lot.
Work. The ultimate in monotony. It numbed the restless mind and cooled the fluctuating mood. After 8 hours of soul-crushing cashiering, he almost felt like himself again. Almost. Phil's work-numbness was replaced by unfiltered dread the instant he unlocked the door to his apartment. His mom was going to be calling sometime during the next hour. He treated his phone like an explosive, setting it on the kitchen table and darting away.
When it finally rang, Phil took a deep breath. One word replies, he reminded himself. Poker voice. Everything is fine. He pressed the 'Talk' button with the sentiment of a samurai on a suicide mission.
"Afternoon, sweetie!" His mother chirped with her usual pep.
"Hey... hi mom."
"So, I'm sure you're just DYING to hear about the retreat."
"Of course I am! How was it?" He winced and prepared himself for her gushy reply.
"Oh, it was just wonderful! All of the kids had a very good time cleansing themselves of demons and learning to trust God more completely. One of them, Sarah, told us that she was a lesbian, so we all very much enjoyed telling her how disgusting and inhuman she was. And it was just wonderful to look up at the stars! A little boy tried to tell us how they had been created over billions of years by the gravitational pull of superheated gases, so we punished him with the 'prayer rod' for his blasphemous theories. It was amazing! You know, you should help out at one of these retreats sometime. We could use some more volunteers."
"Er... no thanks, Mom."
"Oh? And why not?" The touch of venom in her voice was unmistakable.
"Well... um... strictly speaking, I'm not really into that sort of thing anymore, you know..."
"'Anymore?' What on EARTH are you talking about?"
He was fed up with her and her control over what he felt and thought. "It means this, mom. I'm fed up with your arcane, baseless beliefs and ancient prejudices. I'm done with worshipping the empty air. I'm not going to stand for-"
She cut him off. "You are no son of mine, you Satanist. There will be no more calls. There will be no more money now or in the future. Enjoy your pitiful life, you disgusting worm." The dial tone rang in his ear. She had hung up. He lay on the couch, feeling like a blimp whose last connection to earth had just been cut.
<~(o)~>
Weeks passed. Notices piled up. Bills went unpaid and Phil worked overtime in vain. It was only a matter of time before he could hold on no longer. Finally, the day of reckoning came. He was drowning in debt and a nice young couple needed an apartment. Numb, he stepped out of that shrine to IKEA furniture for the last time.
For a while, Phil just slept in his car. He still had enough funds from his job at Burger Buddies to keep himself fed. But when he was fired from his job due to 'poor work performance' and two men shoved a letter from his mother in his face and took away the Toyota, he found himself with nowhere to turn. That homeless shelter he had gazed at for so many weeks seemed very much real. Its gray numbness threatened to overwhelm him.
Days and nights seemed to blend. The world had lost its color. He had lost his purpose. He had lost the only support that had kept him off of the streets. If only he'd majored in Politics, Phil often thought wryly. He'd be better able to communicate with his fellow humans, the ones he was stuck on this mossy rock of a planet with. But hey, maybe the religious people had it figured out. You could explain everything with a god. You could quench your fear of mortality with a god. You could stay shallow and happy by making up a deity and worshipping it. With vague words and rituals, one could shut out the harshness of the universe and feel warm and fuzzy inside. You could shape the face of the earth and control an entire populace with groundless belief. Faith was where people turned when they felt worthless. Faith was a place to shut down the rational mind and suspend common sense for the sake of spreading magic water on your face and murmuring assurances to an invisible man in the sky that an old guy with a robe told you was there. It was all so stupid, and that was what kept people happy. Mindlessness was a drug, an opiate for the populace. Phil sighed and chuckled mirthlessly. He thought too much to be happy. He was useless, a burden on a society that just wanted to believe in something that wasn't there.
After a few days of cynical observation and bitter thoughts, Phil decided it was time to leave the earth to itself. It was unknowing and it liked it that way. He found a bit of rope in a dumpster, then trudged down to the lake near his former apartment building. The water was green and wriggling with slimy life forms. He tied a sloppy knot and pinned his arms behind his back, then lied down on the rocky shore and plunged his torso into the murky water. His last thoughts were of murky water as he succumbed to the black abyss.
Barry Hotter and the Unicorn Hallows by Jaylla P.
Barry Hotter and the Unicorn Hallows
There once lived a boy named Barry Hotter. He was destined to be the most powerful wizard in the world, but he wasn’t aware that he obtained any type of power at all. He lived with his aunt Vick and uncle Rick, in a nice house in Britain. Unfortunately, Barry’s aunt and uncle didn’t treat him like a relative, but as if he were a slave. Barry was very obedient. He followed every demand that he was told to perform from his caretakers, but they never appreciated Barry. Barry also has a cousin that lives with him and his aunt and uncle, named Louis. Louis is an extremely spoiled troublemaker. He intrudes on and irritates Barry when he’s sleeping or doing something important. The only place that Barry can be alone is in his room, a cupboard underneath the stairs. But even there, Louis makes trouble to him. Barry just wants to be saved from the daily chaos he’s put through.
“Ding dong!” “Barry! Get the mail!” exclaimed Uncle Rick. Barry quietly traveled from his closet of a room, to the front door, picked up the mail, and brought it to Uncle Rick. Barry saw that he received a letter. Uncle thought it was a mistake and he threw it away because Barry hasn’t received a letter in many years. He turned around, and there it was again, on the kitchen table. “Barry!” he said. “What is this non-sense? Stop it this instance!” Barry was confused and softly said “But I’m not doing anything, uncle.” Rick slowly turned his head looking at Barry with a stern look and a red fiery face. “Do not talk back to me! Who do you think you are, boy? You live under my house, so you follow my rules! Cut it out!” Uncle Rick grabbed the letter, viciously ripped it in half and threw it away. He continued looking through the mail and he found the letter in his hands, once again. He looked at the letter addressed from “Frogspots School for Witches and Wizards” and said “HAH! What is this nonsense of a school? Why, witches and wizards don’t exist. Why would they send this to you, you’re practically non-existent!”
Barry felt hurt and snatched the letter out of his Uncle’s hands and ran to the cupboard he lives in. He locked the door and quickly opened the letter. “Hello, Mr. Hotter. You have been chosen to be one of the first students to attend Frogspots School for Witches and Wizards.” Barry read this and he felt accepted, for once in his life. As the banging and yelling from the other side of his door started to stop, he packed his clothes in a suitcase and ran towards the door. He opened the front door and ran through. But he wasn’t in his uncle and aunt’s front yard, he was at Frogspots School for Witches and Wizards. He was so amazed, he was filled with amazement and excitement. Barry was speechless and he didn’t know what was happening. “Is this real? Am I dreaming? This can’t be happening.” Barry had so many thoughts racing through his mind.
“Watch out where you’re going, will you?” said John Weasels. Barry replied and said “oh, my bad. I was just so amazed… I… I’m sorry.” “Ah, you must be new here to Frogspots. Don’t worry about it, my name is John.” Barry shook his hand and gave a sweet smile. John showed him around Frogspots and told him dramatized stories about the magic battles and situations that has occurred in the past at Frogspots. “Legend has it, that if you go to the Unicorn Mountains and search for the Unicorn hallows, then the mighty Unimort will snatch your wand and drain you from your magical powers for all eternity. The worst part about it, he doesn’t even have a nose! That’s crazy! He wouldn’t even be able to smell the most delicious food in the world! I could never live a life like that!” Barry was interested in this myth, and responded and said “The Unicorn Hallows? What is that?” John stopped walking and with amazement, he said “You don’t know what the Unicorn Hallows is?!” Barry looked confused as he shook his head from side to side.
A little voice came out from behind John and said “The Unicorn Hallows? I know all about that! You see, the Unicorn Hallows consists of 3 objects. There’s a wand made out of a unicorn horn, a unicorn fur coat, and the stone of the unicorns. The want made out of unicorn horn has the most powerful magic in the wizard world, do you know how many rain forests you can clean with that amount of magic?! Oh! And the unicorn fur coat is supposed to let you shape shift into any form at any time. And lastly, the stone of the unicorns, I heard that’s very special. When you take custody of the stone, a unicorn comes down from the sky and it’s your life-long chariot. It sounds pretty magnificent if you ask me.” John looked at her and responded “Who are you? Do you even go here?” “I am Harmony Ranger, I have attended Frogspots for 10 years, John Weasels!” Harmony walks away and returns to her room.
“That journey to Unicorn Mountain sounds pretty adventurous” said Barry. John looked at him and said “Of course it’s adventurous! The rocky hills and steep and dark mountains make you feel like you’re living life on the edge! Don’t let the name Unicorn Mountains fool you, those mountains are nothing but fright-filled madness!” Barry left the room and headed towards the library to do research on the Unicorn Mountains. He knew this was the journey that he was destined to go on, and he was inspired by the heroes and the battles that John was telling him about. He was so interested in the Unicorn Mountains; he just wanted to feel like a hero for the first time in his life.
Barry marched up to his room and told John “I know what I’m destined for!” John was quietly blogging on a magical website and stared at Barry. “I’m destined to find the Unicorn Hallows and become a hero!” John looked at Barry with disbelief and went back to scrolling on his laptop and said, “How are you going to do that? You don’t even have a wand or any magical training.” Barry knew that John pointed out a good issue and he had to go buy a wand immediately. Barry went to the wand shop and bought a wand that was perfect for him. His wand was 5 inches and made out of red wood. He was so amazed with his wand, he was really excited to learn how to use it.
Barry returned to his room and told John “Okay! I got my wand! I’m ready!” John looked at him and responded, “You don’t even know how to use a wand!” Harmony Ranger popped out from behind Barry and said, “I can teach you that! And if you’re really planning on going to the Unicorn Hallows, you’ll need all the help you can get.” John looked at Harmony and said, “Where do you come from? You’re always popping up everywhere so randomly! You give me heart attacks!” Harmony ignored John and said “Barry, you should take classes from Professor Snake. He’s a really good teacher and his teaching is brilliant!” John laughed and said, “Professor Snake?! Are you serious? He’s a weirdo, he’s lost his mind!” Barry looked at Harmony and John and said, “I don’t think I have time to take classes! I need to get to the Unicorn Mountains and get the Unicorn Hallows before anyone else can! Can you guys just teach me some tips? Please?” John and Harmony gladly accepted and they were off on their journey to the Unicorn Mountains!
Over the rocky hills and the rigid mountains, they traveled in search of the Unicorn Hallows. Barry learned how to use his wand, and he was getting extremely good at learning spells and performing them. He was getting better than Harmony and John. Throughout their journey, the 3 of them learned new things and they became better wizards. They went through the Bunny Forest, the Jungle of Cries, the Cross Crow Hills, and finally, they reached the Unicorn Mountains.
Barry, Harmony, and John went up to the very top of the mountain because that’s where the Unicorn Hallows is located. Half way up there, they came across the dark lord, Unimort. Unimort said “You there, you are Barry Hotter.” Barry was surprised he knew him and he responded “Yes, and who are you?” Lord Unimort said “I am the Dark Lord, Lord Unimort. I am undefeatable and I am the protector of the Unicorn Hallows.” Barry was intimidated by his scary looks. Unimort was pale as snow, he had big eyes that bulge out of his eye sockets, and he had no nose. Barry said “Well then, I battle you for the Unicorn Hallows!” Unimort gave an evil smile and took out his wand. He said a great spell and pointed his wand towards Barry. Barry quickly reacted and took out his wand and protected himself. He shot out magic through the tip of his wand and it hit Unimort. Unimort flew backwards and Barry quickly put a spell on him that put him to sleep for an eternity.
Barry, John, and Harmony ran up to the top of the mountain and found the Unicorn Hallows. John and Harmony were too scared to obtain it because they felt they weren’t ready for that much responsibility. Barry was brave and he took the Unicorn Hallows and obtained it. He took out the stone and he called on his unicorn chariot, which brought him and his friends back to Frogwarts. He returned to his dorm and everyone had heard about his victory against the mighty Lord Unimort. Everyone was congratulating him and calling him a hero. Barry loved this feeling and it was the first time he was feeling that type of emotion.
He bought the rest of his school supplies and he said, “This is going to be a great school year.” He placed the Unicorn Hallows on his desk and he went to unpack his stuff. His patron animal, which he bought for Wizardry 101 class, was a penguin. His penguin wobbled around his room and bumped into his desk. The Unicorn Hallows fell onto the ground and his penguin looked at it and ate it. Magical dust came out of his mouth as he burped after eating it. Barry didn’t know what to do. His penguin just ate the most powerful type of magic in the world! Barry let it go and said “Well, I guess it’s time for another adventure!”
There once lived a boy named Barry Hotter. He was destined to be the most powerful wizard in the world, but he wasn’t aware that he obtained any type of power at all. He lived with his aunt Vick and uncle Rick, in a nice house in Britain. Unfortunately, Barry’s aunt and uncle didn’t treat him like a relative, but as if he were a slave. Barry was very obedient. He followed every demand that he was told to perform from his caretakers, but they never appreciated Barry. Barry also has a cousin that lives with him and his aunt and uncle, named Louis. Louis is an extremely spoiled troublemaker. He intrudes on and irritates Barry when he’s sleeping or doing something important. The only place that Barry can be alone is in his room, a cupboard underneath the stairs. But even there, Louis makes trouble to him. Barry just wants to be saved from the daily chaos he’s put through.
“Ding dong!” “Barry! Get the mail!” exclaimed Uncle Rick. Barry quietly traveled from his closet of a room, to the front door, picked up the mail, and brought it to Uncle Rick. Barry saw that he received a letter. Uncle thought it was a mistake and he threw it away because Barry hasn’t received a letter in many years. He turned around, and there it was again, on the kitchen table. “Barry!” he said. “What is this non-sense? Stop it this instance!” Barry was confused and softly said “But I’m not doing anything, uncle.” Rick slowly turned his head looking at Barry with a stern look and a red fiery face. “Do not talk back to me! Who do you think you are, boy? You live under my house, so you follow my rules! Cut it out!” Uncle Rick grabbed the letter, viciously ripped it in half and threw it away. He continued looking through the mail and he found the letter in his hands, once again. He looked at the letter addressed from “Frogspots School for Witches and Wizards” and said “HAH! What is this nonsense of a school? Why, witches and wizards don’t exist. Why would they send this to you, you’re practically non-existent!”
Barry felt hurt and snatched the letter out of his Uncle’s hands and ran to the cupboard he lives in. He locked the door and quickly opened the letter. “Hello, Mr. Hotter. You have been chosen to be one of the first students to attend Frogspots School for Witches and Wizards.” Barry read this and he felt accepted, for once in his life. As the banging and yelling from the other side of his door started to stop, he packed his clothes in a suitcase and ran towards the door. He opened the front door and ran through. But he wasn’t in his uncle and aunt’s front yard, he was at Frogspots School for Witches and Wizards. He was so amazed, he was filled with amazement and excitement. Barry was speechless and he didn’t know what was happening. “Is this real? Am I dreaming? This can’t be happening.” Barry had so many thoughts racing through his mind.
“Watch out where you’re going, will you?” said John Weasels. Barry replied and said “oh, my bad. I was just so amazed… I… I’m sorry.” “Ah, you must be new here to Frogspots. Don’t worry about it, my name is John.” Barry shook his hand and gave a sweet smile. John showed him around Frogspots and told him dramatized stories about the magic battles and situations that has occurred in the past at Frogspots. “Legend has it, that if you go to the Unicorn Mountains and search for the Unicorn hallows, then the mighty Unimort will snatch your wand and drain you from your magical powers for all eternity. The worst part about it, he doesn’t even have a nose! That’s crazy! He wouldn’t even be able to smell the most delicious food in the world! I could never live a life like that!” Barry was interested in this myth, and responded and said “The Unicorn Hallows? What is that?” John stopped walking and with amazement, he said “You don’t know what the Unicorn Hallows is?!” Barry looked confused as he shook his head from side to side.
A little voice came out from behind John and said “The Unicorn Hallows? I know all about that! You see, the Unicorn Hallows consists of 3 objects. There’s a wand made out of a unicorn horn, a unicorn fur coat, and the stone of the unicorns. The want made out of unicorn horn has the most powerful magic in the wizard world, do you know how many rain forests you can clean with that amount of magic?! Oh! And the unicorn fur coat is supposed to let you shape shift into any form at any time. And lastly, the stone of the unicorns, I heard that’s very special. When you take custody of the stone, a unicorn comes down from the sky and it’s your life-long chariot. It sounds pretty magnificent if you ask me.” John looked at her and responded “Who are you? Do you even go here?” “I am Harmony Ranger, I have attended Frogspots for 10 years, John Weasels!” Harmony walks away and returns to her room.
“That journey to Unicorn Mountain sounds pretty adventurous” said Barry. John looked at him and said “Of course it’s adventurous! The rocky hills and steep and dark mountains make you feel like you’re living life on the edge! Don’t let the name Unicorn Mountains fool you, those mountains are nothing but fright-filled madness!” Barry left the room and headed towards the library to do research on the Unicorn Mountains. He knew this was the journey that he was destined to go on, and he was inspired by the heroes and the battles that John was telling him about. He was so interested in the Unicorn Mountains; he just wanted to feel like a hero for the first time in his life.
Barry marched up to his room and told John “I know what I’m destined for!” John was quietly blogging on a magical website and stared at Barry. “I’m destined to find the Unicorn Hallows and become a hero!” John looked at Barry with disbelief and went back to scrolling on his laptop and said, “How are you going to do that? You don’t even have a wand or any magical training.” Barry knew that John pointed out a good issue and he had to go buy a wand immediately. Barry went to the wand shop and bought a wand that was perfect for him. His wand was 5 inches and made out of red wood. He was so amazed with his wand, he was really excited to learn how to use it.
Barry returned to his room and told John “Okay! I got my wand! I’m ready!” John looked at him and responded, “You don’t even know how to use a wand!” Harmony Ranger popped out from behind Barry and said, “I can teach you that! And if you’re really planning on going to the Unicorn Hallows, you’ll need all the help you can get.” John looked at Harmony and said, “Where do you come from? You’re always popping up everywhere so randomly! You give me heart attacks!” Harmony ignored John and said “Barry, you should take classes from Professor Snake. He’s a really good teacher and his teaching is brilliant!” John laughed and said, “Professor Snake?! Are you serious? He’s a weirdo, he’s lost his mind!” Barry looked at Harmony and John and said, “I don’t think I have time to take classes! I need to get to the Unicorn Mountains and get the Unicorn Hallows before anyone else can! Can you guys just teach me some tips? Please?” John and Harmony gladly accepted and they were off on their journey to the Unicorn Mountains!
Over the rocky hills and the rigid mountains, they traveled in search of the Unicorn Hallows. Barry learned how to use his wand, and he was getting extremely good at learning spells and performing them. He was getting better than Harmony and John. Throughout their journey, the 3 of them learned new things and they became better wizards. They went through the Bunny Forest, the Jungle of Cries, the Cross Crow Hills, and finally, they reached the Unicorn Mountains.
Barry, Harmony, and John went up to the very top of the mountain because that’s where the Unicorn Hallows is located. Half way up there, they came across the dark lord, Unimort. Unimort said “You there, you are Barry Hotter.” Barry was surprised he knew him and he responded “Yes, and who are you?” Lord Unimort said “I am the Dark Lord, Lord Unimort. I am undefeatable and I am the protector of the Unicorn Hallows.” Barry was intimidated by his scary looks. Unimort was pale as snow, he had big eyes that bulge out of his eye sockets, and he had no nose. Barry said “Well then, I battle you for the Unicorn Hallows!” Unimort gave an evil smile and took out his wand. He said a great spell and pointed his wand towards Barry. Barry quickly reacted and took out his wand and protected himself. He shot out magic through the tip of his wand and it hit Unimort. Unimort flew backwards and Barry quickly put a spell on him that put him to sleep for an eternity.
Barry, John, and Harmony ran up to the top of the mountain and found the Unicorn Hallows. John and Harmony were too scared to obtain it because they felt they weren’t ready for that much responsibility. Barry was brave and he took the Unicorn Hallows and obtained it. He took out the stone and he called on his unicorn chariot, which brought him and his friends back to Frogwarts. He returned to his dorm and everyone had heard about his victory against the mighty Lord Unimort. Everyone was congratulating him and calling him a hero. Barry loved this feeling and it was the first time he was feeling that type of emotion.
He bought the rest of his school supplies and he said, “This is going to be a great school year.” He placed the Unicorn Hallows on his desk and he went to unpack his stuff. His patron animal, which he bought for Wizardry 101 class, was a penguin. His penguin wobbled around his room and bumped into his desk. The Unicorn Hallows fell onto the ground and his penguin looked at it and ate it. Magical dust came out of his mouth as he burped after eating it. Barry didn’t know what to do. His penguin just ate the most powerful type of magic in the world! Barry let it go and said “Well, I guess it’s time for another adventure!”
The Selection by Melissa A.
The Selection
Preface: Nikita is a television show about a young woman who is blackmailed to become an assassin for Division, a secret branch of the government. All of Division’s assassins were handpicked and chosen from all around the world. Each individual chosen to be in Division is constrained to live a normal life and have significant relationships with the outside world. The main characters consist of Nikita, Percy, Alexandria, and Michael. This show consists of action, adventure, murderous killers, and a tremendous thrill. Each episode begins with Division doing a mission, while Nikita counter missions it.
Scene 1. The First Mission of Revenge
Esmeralda: (thinking to herself) After three years of planning, I am ready to plot my covert revenge against The Selection! A few days ago, Percy assigned me on a mission to destroy the house of Nicholas. Nicholas is the owner of a billion-dollar company, Zetrov. If my objective in this mission is to kill Nicholas, I think I can save Nicholas’ only daughter, Abigail and train her to become my alliance. Yes! This will work! You have thought of the greatest plan! With Abigail as my alliance, we can take down Selection, endure relationships with future lovers, and become unstoppable!
Narrator: Esmeralda goes on the mission and follows Percy’s instructions. As she goes through the house, she slaughters every living creature, except Abigail. After the killing streak of ten people, the guilt arose in her body. She fell to the floor and began to sob her heart out. From the back of her head, she begins to remember the plan with Abigail. Esmeralda searches the house and finds Abigail fast asleep in her bedroom. So, Esmeralda decides to throw Abigail on her shoulder and vivaciously walks to The Selection.
Scene 2. Back at Head Quarters
Percy: (furious) Why have you brought back Zetrov’s teenage daughter?! She is only a waste of space! Do you want me to kill both of you?!
Esmeralda: Sorry sir, but I brought her back because I believe she is worth a second life. I am willing to give up my personal time to train her of becoming a great assassin, like me! Abigail is only 13 years old, but once she is properly trained, she will be as powerful as you are!
Percy: (thinking) Since you are one of my top assassins, I will let you off with a warning… But, if anything goes wrong, I will kill both of you, in a blink of a second! Don’t you forget that, Esmeralda!
Esmeralda: But, please sir! I beg that you do not tell Abigail about who killed her parents. I will not be able to be a great teacher, if she knows what had just happened…
Scene 3. Three Years Later
Narrator: After three long years of physical and mental training, Abigail grew up to be one of the most deceiving and slyest assassin’ in Selection.
*Esmeralda and Abigail Training in the Fitness Room*
Abigail: Tell me again. Why do you hate The Selection so much?
Esmeralda: Hush! This is a secret between you and I. The Selection kills people, for it’s own purposes. It is the most selfish and meaningless agency that I have ever known. This agency creates merciless monsters and I hate myself because of it. The Selection killed your parents. Also, they killed all of my past lovers… But you don’t need to know about that. All you need to know is that the upcoming mission is our final mission of revenge!
Abigail: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. From the day you saved me, I remember that I swore that I am going to destroy Selection and everyone else who assassinated my mama and papa.
Esmeralda: (slightly shocked) Okay then. I need you to go out and bring me back these tools. (hands over a shopping list) We will need these tools to succeed in our mission. Listen carefully. Just walk through the front doors, in approximately five minutes. There will be a blue car waiting for you. Here are the keys. You will go to the destination and find a man called Trix, and he will help you find these items. To get all, this will take you a few days! Good luck! And do not worry. You will not get caught from Percy.
Abigail: (thinking to her self) Thank God! I can finally get out of Selection and see the real world! I felt so trapped and now I have the chance to feel freedom, for at least a few days. (walks through the front doors and drives off with the blue car)
Scene 4. Love’s Destination
Narrator: Abigail walks into the destination called Kala Moana Center. She has never seen such a huge mall in her life. She follows Esmeralda’s directions and goes towards the back of Kala Moana Center.
Abigail: Is there anyone here in the name of Trix?
Old lady: No, I’m sorry my dear. I have never heard of anyone of that name. You should look somewhere else.
Abigail: Well, thanks anyways.
Abigail walks towards the other corner and finds a small store.
Abigail: Good day, clerk Joe! Have you heard of anyone in the name of “Trix”?
Clerk Joe: No… But wow, you have the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen. What is your name Ms. Pretty Lady?
Abigail: My name is Abigail and I am 16 years old. You shouldn’t have said that! (Blushes) You’re pretty cute yourself.
Joe: (significantly interested) My name is Joe, but you already know that. I feel like you have the beauty and the brains. Will it be okay, if you and I could take you out right now? My shift is over in about 5 minutes.
Abigail: Hmm. Well, you seem like a decent guy and a girl like me kind of needs a break from life. I guess, sure. Why not? (blushing again and feels the butterflies) I’ll be waiting outside. See you in 5 minutes!
Narrator: Abigail is unaware that Trix, a member of Selection, was watching and spying over Abigail the whole time. Trix is a killing machine. He was the man who killed all of Esmeralda’s past lovers. Trix does not tolerate with outside lovers.
Trix: (walks up to the clerk counter) I need help with reaching that bottle of champagne. It is pretty high and I am quite a short guy.
Joe: Sure thing! Dude, I definitely can help you.
Trix: (As Joe reaches for the bottle) I am sorry. But you brought this upon yourself. We can not have outside relationships.
*With a pocketknife, Trix murders Joe in an instant, soundless and like nothing ever happened.*
Trix walks out of the store, grabs Abigail, and drives off together in the blue car.
Abigail: (thinking) So, this is Trix. I wonder where Joe must’ve went? Maybe, he had another errand. Oh wells, back to the mission.
Narrator: Trix and Abigail travels on to gather all the necessities for the upcoming mission. Abigail continues to meet outsiders and have profound love for each and everyone of them. But, one after another, Trix continues to secretly slaughter the outsiders. Trix is highly irritable of Abigail and thinks about killing her because of her stupidity. But, he would not do such a thing, because Esmeralda will murder him, if he does.
Scene 5. The Final Mission
After two weeks of gathering the items, Alex and Trix returns to The Selection Head Quarters.
Esmeralda: Welcome back! Percy changed the date of the mission to tomorrow. Spend your time wisely today and rest.
Abigail: Okay, thank you. I will not let you down.
*Abigail is sleeping in a bed*
*Alarm clock rings*
Abigail: (wakes up) Finally, this is the day. It is all or nothing. Let’s do this!
Esmeralda: (goes into Abigail’s room) So, here is the plan. Everyone in Selection will be on a mission that is hosted in Russia, except us and a few other people. We will soundlessly walk out of the main entrance and bomb this entire place, including Percy! This will be as easy, as any other mission. Just please, be careful and make sure no one is able to see us walk through the doors.
Abigail: I heard that everyone in the Russian mission left 30 minutes ago. Also, the Head Quarters is more silent than usual. Listen. (sound of absolutely nothing) Let’s start on the mission now!
Narrator: Esmeralda puts the atomic bombs in all sections of the Head Quarters. No one noticed her existence and every one else acted normal. Things were easier than it seemed. Esmeralda and Abigail silently walk through the door.
Abigail: Isn’t it strange that the air seems too quiet and too normal?
Esmeralda: I know what you mean. I just can’t put my finger on it.
Abigail: Well, you should blow up this place, before it is too late! C’mon now, we are ahead of them! This is our chance!!
(slow motion) Esmeralda takes the atomic bomb control and then..
Abigail: LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!
Percy: What did I tell you, Esmeralda?! I told you that I would kill both of you, if you did anything behind my back! You are such a horrible fool! Before you die, I want Abigail to hear the truth.
Abigail: (thinking) What are you talking about?
Percy: The person who slaughtered every one of your family, including your grandparents, is standing right before your eyes. And it is not me. It is Esmeralda.
(Esmeralda looks down and becomes filled with guilt.)
Abigail: How could you, Esmeralda? You were like a mother to me, but you are actually a TRAITOR!
Percy: The way that I would solve this, Abigail, is to do what she has done to your whole family. Kill her. (hands Abigail a gun)
Esmeralda: No, Abigail. Please, think it through. I raised you to protect yourself and you have become the slyest and dedicated individual that I have ever met.
Abigail: (sobs quietly, thinking) I’m sorry… But, because of you, I transformed into who I am today…
Abigail grabs the gun, points the trigger at Esmeralda, and then, BOOM.
*Esmeralda dies. *
* Abigail continues to sob. *
* curtains close *
Narrator: The Selection is a covert agency filled with assassins and funded by the government. Nothing will ever bring The Selection down. Anything that will ever try to stand in The Selection’s way will be killed. So, beware.
Preface: Nikita is a television show about a young woman who is blackmailed to become an assassin for Division, a secret branch of the government. All of Division’s assassins were handpicked and chosen from all around the world. Each individual chosen to be in Division is constrained to live a normal life and have significant relationships with the outside world. The main characters consist of Nikita, Percy, Alexandria, and Michael. This show consists of action, adventure, murderous killers, and a tremendous thrill. Each episode begins with Division doing a mission, while Nikita counter missions it.
Scene 1. The First Mission of Revenge
Esmeralda: (thinking to herself) After three years of planning, I am ready to plot my covert revenge against The Selection! A few days ago, Percy assigned me on a mission to destroy the house of Nicholas. Nicholas is the owner of a billion-dollar company, Zetrov. If my objective in this mission is to kill Nicholas, I think I can save Nicholas’ only daughter, Abigail and train her to become my alliance. Yes! This will work! You have thought of the greatest plan! With Abigail as my alliance, we can take down Selection, endure relationships with future lovers, and become unstoppable!
Narrator: Esmeralda goes on the mission and follows Percy’s instructions. As she goes through the house, she slaughters every living creature, except Abigail. After the killing streak of ten people, the guilt arose in her body. She fell to the floor and began to sob her heart out. From the back of her head, she begins to remember the plan with Abigail. Esmeralda searches the house and finds Abigail fast asleep in her bedroom. So, Esmeralda decides to throw Abigail on her shoulder and vivaciously walks to The Selection.
Scene 2. Back at Head Quarters
Percy: (furious) Why have you brought back Zetrov’s teenage daughter?! She is only a waste of space! Do you want me to kill both of you?!
Esmeralda: Sorry sir, but I brought her back because I believe she is worth a second life. I am willing to give up my personal time to train her of becoming a great assassin, like me! Abigail is only 13 years old, but once she is properly trained, she will be as powerful as you are!
Percy: (thinking) Since you are one of my top assassins, I will let you off with a warning… But, if anything goes wrong, I will kill both of you, in a blink of a second! Don’t you forget that, Esmeralda!
Esmeralda: But, please sir! I beg that you do not tell Abigail about who killed her parents. I will not be able to be a great teacher, if she knows what had just happened…
Scene 3. Three Years Later
Narrator: After three long years of physical and mental training, Abigail grew up to be one of the most deceiving and slyest assassin’ in Selection.
*Esmeralda and Abigail Training in the Fitness Room*
Abigail: Tell me again. Why do you hate The Selection so much?
Esmeralda: Hush! This is a secret between you and I. The Selection kills people, for it’s own purposes. It is the most selfish and meaningless agency that I have ever known. This agency creates merciless monsters and I hate myself because of it. The Selection killed your parents. Also, they killed all of my past lovers… But you don’t need to know about that. All you need to know is that the upcoming mission is our final mission of revenge!
Abigail: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. From the day you saved me, I remember that I swore that I am going to destroy Selection and everyone else who assassinated my mama and papa.
Esmeralda: (slightly shocked) Okay then. I need you to go out and bring me back these tools. (hands over a shopping list) We will need these tools to succeed in our mission. Listen carefully. Just walk through the front doors, in approximately five minutes. There will be a blue car waiting for you. Here are the keys. You will go to the destination and find a man called Trix, and he will help you find these items. To get all, this will take you a few days! Good luck! And do not worry. You will not get caught from Percy.
Abigail: (thinking to her self) Thank God! I can finally get out of Selection and see the real world! I felt so trapped and now I have the chance to feel freedom, for at least a few days. (walks through the front doors and drives off with the blue car)
Scene 4. Love’s Destination
Narrator: Abigail walks into the destination called Kala Moana Center. She has never seen such a huge mall in her life. She follows Esmeralda’s directions and goes towards the back of Kala Moana Center.
Abigail: Is there anyone here in the name of Trix?
Old lady: No, I’m sorry my dear. I have never heard of anyone of that name. You should look somewhere else.
Abigail: Well, thanks anyways.
Abigail walks towards the other corner and finds a small store.
Abigail: Good day, clerk Joe! Have you heard of anyone in the name of “Trix”?
Clerk Joe: No… But wow, you have the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen. What is your name Ms. Pretty Lady?
Abigail: My name is Abigail and I am 16 years old. You shouldn’t have said that! (Blushes) You’re pretty cute yourself.
Joe: (significantly interested) My name is Joe, but you already know that. I feel like you have the beauty and the brains. Will it be okay, if you and I could take you out right now? My shift is over in about 5 minutes.
Abigail: Hmm. Well, you seem like a decent guy and a girl like me kind of needs a break from life. I guess, sure. Why not? (blushing again and feels the butterflies) I’ll be waiting outside. See you in 5 minutes!
Narrator: Abigail is unaware that Trix, a member of Selection, was watching and spying over Abigail the whole time. Trix is a killing machine. He was the man who killed all of Esmeralda’s past lovers. Trix does not tolerate with outside lovers.
Trix: (walks up to the clerk counter) I need help with reaching that bottle of champagne. It is pretty high and I am quite a short guy.
Joe: Sure thing! Dude, I definitely can help you.
Trix: (As Joe reaches for the bottle) I am sorry. But you brought this upon yourself. We can not have outside relationships.
*With a pocketknife, Trix murders Joe in an instant, soundless and like nothing ever happened.*
Trix walks out of the store, grabs Abigail, and drives off together in the blue car.
Abigail: (thinking) So, this is Trix. I wonder where Joe must’ve went? Maybe, he had another errand. Oh wells, back to the mission.
Narrator: Trix and Abigail travels on to gather all the necessities for the upcoming mission. Abigail continues to meet outsiders and have profound love for each and everyone of them. But, one after another, Trix continues to secretly slaughter the outsiders. Trix is highly irritable of Abigail and thinks about killing her because of her stupidity. But, he would not do such a thing, because Esmeralda will murder him, if he does.
Scene 5. The Final Mission
After two weeks of gathering the items, Alex and Trix returns to The Selection Head Quarters.
Esmeralda: Welcome back! Percy changed the date of the mission to tomorrow. Spend your time wisely today and rest.
Abigail: Okay, thank you. I will not let you down.
*Abigail is sleeping in a bed*
*Alarm clock rings*
Abigail: (wakes up) Finally, this is the day. It is all or nothing. Let’s do this!
Esmeralda: (goes into Abigail’s room) So, here is the plan. Everyone in Selection will be on a mission that is hosted in Russia, except us and a few other people. We will soundlessly walk out of the main entrance and bomb this entire place, including Percy! This will be as easy, as any other mission. Just please, be careful and make sure no one is able to see us walk through the doors.
Abigail: I heard that everyone in the Russian mission left 30 minutes ago. Also, the Head Quarters is more silent than usual. Listen. (sound of absolutely nothing) Let’s start on the mission now!
Narrator: Esmeralda puts the atomic bombs in all sections of the Head Quarters. No one noticed her existence and every one else acted normal. Things were easier than it seemed. Esmeralda and Abigail silently walk through the door.
Abigail: Isn’t it strange that the air seems too quiet and too normal?
Esmeralda: I know what you mean. I just can’t put my finger on it.
Abigail: Well, you should blow up this place, before it is too late! C’mon now, we are ahead of them! This is our chance!!
(slow motion) Esmeralda takes the atomic bomb control and then..
Abigail: LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!
Percy: What did I tell you, Esmeralda?! I told you that I would kill both of you, if you did anything behind my back! You are such a horrible fool! Before you die, I want Abigail to hear the truth.
Abigail: (thinking) What are you talking about?
Percy: The person who slaughtered every one of your family, including your grandparents, is standing right before your eyes. And it is not me. It is Esmeralda.
(Esmeralda looks down and becomes filled with guilt.)
Abigail: How could you, Esmeralda? You were like a mother to me, but you are actually a TRAITOR!
Percy: The way that I would solve this, Abigail, is to do what she has done to your whole family. Kill her. (hands Abigail a gun)
Esmeralda: No, Abigail. Please, think it through. I raised you to protect yourself and you have become the slyest and dedicated individual that I have ever met.
Abigail: (sobs quietly, thinking) I’m sorry… But, because of you, I transformed into who I am today…
Abigail grabs the gun, points the trigger at Esmeralda, and then, BOOM.
*Esmeralda dies. *
* Abigail continues to sob. *
* curtains close *
Narrator: The Selection is a covert agency filled with assassins and funded by the government. Nothing will ever bring The Selection down. Anything that will ever try to stand in The Selection’s way will be killed. So, beware.
Satire by Hulali A.
Our story starts off at the home of our main star. Billy Bob Jones is a 12- year old boy, who lives at home with his parents in the small but growing town of Sleepy Hollow, California. At school he is an underdog, merely to “cool” for the other kids. One day he decides to go on an “online meet-a-friend forum” so that he can meet some people who will be his friends.
“Hey mom, I’m going to meet some friends today!” Billy shouted out from his bedroom.
“You get ‘em hun!” excitedly replied his mom from the kitchen.
Billy closed his bedroom door and turned on his laptop. He logged onto his new favorite website, www.openandunsafebutfunforum.friends. Billy had been waiting to go on all day. In only 1 day, already 4 people had accepted his friend request. He was overjoyed, this was the most friends that he had since he could remember. Out of all the friends that he had on the site, one, with the username of cutiepiesweets101, began to start chatting with Billy. Their first conversation went like this:
Cutiepiesweet101: Hey there! What’s your name?
Mommaboy224: Hi! My name is Billy Bob Jones. I’m 12 years old and I go to Sleep Hollows Middle School. I live in Sleepy Hollows, California with my parents. Will you be my friend? :D
Cutiepiesweet101: Oh… um of course i’ll be your friend J So what’s your mom and dad’s name?....
Their conversation lasted for over 2 hours. Billy was so excited, after his new friend had left; he slammed down his laptop and ran downstairs. He found his parents in the living room.
“Mom, dad guess what, guess what!! I made my first friend today! His name is Andrew and he said that he really likes me!”
His mom and dad jumped up, they couldn’t hold back their excitement. Billy’s dad, Albert, gave Billy a big hug and whispered in his son’s ear: “That’s wonderful son! We’re so proud of you!”
“I’m going to make your favorite dinner tonight!” yelled his mother as she was running to the kitchen.
Billy was so excited. He ran upstairs to work on his homework while his mom was cooking dinner. After he was done with his homework, he opened his laptop and began to reread the conversation that he and his new friend had just had. He couldn’t stop smiling the whole night. He almost felt that he couldn’t wait tomorrow, that day just wasn’t coming soon enough! After dinner, Billy went to sleep. All night he dreamt about Andrew and how he would look like when he finally met him.
Andrew and Billy began to talk excessively over the next 3 weeks. Andrew continued to ask Billy very random, strange, and personal questions but Billy being a good friend answered every one of them. Finally one day, their conversation went like this:
Andrew: eh, Billy how about we do something tomorrow? I really want to meet you! You seem like a cool kid J
Billy: That sounds greaaaat! Where do you want to meet?
Andrew: How about in the alley next to your school? Do you mind coming alone?
Billy: Can’t wait! Of course I don’t mind.
Andrew: Awesome. Hey maybe we can go to your house after?
Billy: SURE! My parents will be so excited to meet you!
Andrew: oh okay…i’ll you tomorrow than. Bye Billy.
Billy: Bye best friend! :D
Billy was so excited to finally meet Andrew. The next day he got up extra early and cleaned his whole house. His parents were excited to met Andrew also. They couldn’t wait to meet Billy’s online friend. Billy’s mom was planning to make a huge feast of sweets for Billy and Andrew. After Billy had finished getting the house ready, he went upstairs and started getting himself ready. He took a shower, wore his Sunday best, and combed his hair back; he wanted to look as good as he could for his friend.
Billy left his house after saying good-bye to his parents. He started walking to the alley next to his school. As he got closer, he saw a figure looming in the shadow of the alley.
“Andrew!” Billed called out.
Billy ran to the alley. The figure started to slowly walk out to Billy. The man was 26 years old, dressed in dirty, old clothes, he had a scraggly beard, and he was staring at Billy with a creepy smile.
“Eh kid, are you Billy? I’m Andrew.”
“Yeah, I’m Billy! It’s so awesome to finally meet you. You’re so cool! You’re even older than me!”
“Wait… you’re not scared?”
“Of course not! Wanna come over to my house now?! My parents can’t wait to meet you! My mom even made you some cake to take home to your family!”
“Um… sure. But listen kid…”
Billy grabbed Andrew’s hand and ran back to his house. Yelling to the world that this was Andrew his best friend. When they finally got to Billy’s house, Billy swung the front door open and ushered his friend inside.
“Billy, do you think that it is really safe to let a stranger just come into your house?” asked Andrew as he was gasping for breath.
“You’re not a stranger silly! You’re my friend!”
Before Andrew had a chance to continue speaking, Billy’s mom, Helga, came to the door.
“Albert dear come down! Your son and his friend are here!”
Billy’s dad ran down the stairs. He shook hands with Andrew and offered him a drink.
“What a fine looking young man, Billy’s brought home. He’s so polite and everything!” Albert whispered to his wife as she was cutting cake for the boys.
“I really like him a lot! Say dear, what do you make of the clothes he’s wearing? Don’t you think they look a little dirty?”
“Don’t worry, hun. That’s just the new style! All the cool kids are wearing those types of clothes!
Billy was showing Andrew around the whole house. When they got to his room, Albert asked if they close the door and talk.
“Billy, I have to tell you something.”
“Oh what is it my best friend? My mom is making a snack for us so we should go back down soon.”
“Yeah, sure. Okay, listen Billy; I’ve been lying to you. You see…”
“WHAT?! Best friends don’t lie to each other…”
“Listen Billy! I’m not a 15-year old boy, obviously… My name is Detective Andrew Hogens. I’m 26 years old, and I was working as an undercover agent on the hunt for sex predators. We thought you might be one, but when I met you, you were just a kid. You know Billy, you really shouldn’t give out all that personal information to people you don’t know. It is…”
“Wait, so you’re not my friend anymore…”
“Well Billy, not in the…”
“You’re a mean person. You’re not my friend anymore. Leave. Don’t talk to me anymore.”
Andrew was very confused as he was walking down the stairs. Mrs. Jones ran into him, and immediately asked where Billy was. Andrew told her what he had told Billy. Mrs. Jones told her husband to kick Andrew out of the house because he was mean to Billy.
A few months later, Billy made a real friend from a family who had moved in across the street. After Billy made sure that his new friend wasn’t an undercover officer, they became best friends. They stayed friends for the rest of their life!
Everyone had a happy ending except for Andrew, who lived the rest of his life very confused about the incident with the Jones Family.
The End.
“Hey mom, I’m going to meet some friends today!” Billy shouted out from his bedroom.
“You get ‘em hun!” excitedly replied his mom from the kitchen.
Billy closed his bedroom door and turned on his laptop. He logged onto his new favorite website, www.openandunsafebutfunforum.friends. Billy had been waiting to go on all day. In only 1 day, already 4 people had accepted his friend request. He was overjoyed, this was the most friends that he had since he could remember. Out of all the friends that he had on the site, one, with the username of cutiepiesweets101, began to start chatting with Billy. Their first conversation went like this:
Cutiepiesweet101: Hey there! What’s your name?
Mommaboy224: Hi! My name is Billy Bob Jones. I’m 12 years old and I go to Sleep Hollows Middle School. I live in Sleepy Hollows, California with my parents. Will you be my friend? :D
Cutiepiesweet101: Oh… um of course i’ll be your friend J So what’s your mom and dad’s name?....
Their conversation lasted for over 2 hours. Billy was so excited, after his new friend had left; he slammed down his laptop and ran downstairs. He found his parents in the living room.
“Mom, dad guess what, guess what!! I made my first friend today! His name is Andrew and he said that he really likes me!”
His mom and dad jumped up, they couldn’t hold back their excitement. Billy’s dad, Albert, gave Billy a big hug and whispered in his son’s ear: “That’s wonderful son! We’re so proud of you!”
“I’m going to make your favorite dinner tonight!” yelled his mother as she was running to the kitchen.
Billy was so excited. He ran upstairs to work on his homework while his mom was cooking dinner. After he was done with his homework, he opened his laptop and began to reread the conversation that he and his new friend had just had. He couldn’t stop smiling the whole night. He almost felt that he couldn’t wait tomorrow, that day just wasn’t coming soon enough! After dinner, Billy went to sleep. All night he dreamt about Andrew and how he would look like when he finally met him.
Andrew and Billy began to talk excessively over the next 3 weeks. Andrew continued to ask Billy very random, strange, and personal questions but Billy being a good friend answered every one of them. Finally one day, their conversation went like this:
Andrew: eh, Billy how about we do something tomorrow? I really want to meet you! You seem like a cool kid J
Billy: That sounds greaaaat! Where do you want to meet?
Andrew: How about in the alley next to your school? Do you mind coming alone?
Billy: Can’t wait! Of course I don’t mind.
Andrew: Awesome. Hey maybe we can go to your house after?
Billy: SURE! My parents will be so excited to meet you!
Andrew: oh okay…i’ll you tomorrow than. Bye Billy.
Billy: Bye best friend! :D
Billy was so excited to finally meet Andrew. The next day he got up extra early and cleaned his whole house. His parents were excited to met Andrew also. They couldn’t wait to meet Billy’s online friend. Billy’s mom was planning to make a huge feast of sweets for Billy and Andrew. After Billy had finished getting the house ready, he went upstairs and started getting himself ready. He took a shower, wore his Sunday best, and combed his hair back; he wanted to look as good as he could for his friend.
Billy left his house after saying good-bye to his parents. He started walking to the alley next to his school. As he got closer, he saw a figure looming in the shadow of the alley.
“Andrew!” Billed called out.
Billy ran to the alley. The figure started to slowly walk out to Billy. The man was 26 years old, dressed in dirty, old clothes, he had a scraggly beard, and he was staring at Billy with a creepy smile.
“Eh kid, are you Billy? I’m Andrew.”
“Yeah, I’m Billy! It’s so awesome to finally meet you. You’re so cool! You’re even older than me!”
“Wait… you’re not scared?”
“Of course not! Wanna come over to my house now?! My parents can’t wait to meet you! My mom even made you some cake to take home to your family!”
“Um… sure. But listen kid…”
Billy grabbed Andrew’s hand and ran back to his house. Yelling to the world that this was Andrew his best friend. When they finally got to Billy’s house, Billy swung the front door open and ushered his friend inside.
“Billy, do you think that it is really safe to let a stranger just come into your house?” asked Andrew as he was gasping for breath.
“You’re not a stranger silly! You’re my friend!”
Before Andrew had a chance to continue speaking, Billy’s mom, Helga, came to the door.
“Albert dear come down! Your son and his friend are here!”
Billy’s dad ran down the stairs. He shook hands with Andrew and offered him a drink.
“What a fine looking young man, Billy’s brought home. He’s so polite and everything!” Albert whispered to his wife as she was cutting cake for the boys.
“I really like him a lot! Say dear, what do you make of the clothes he’s wearing? Don’t you think they look a little dirty?”
“Don’t worry, hun. That’s just the new style! All the cool kids are wearing those types of clothes!
Billy was showing Andrew around the whole house. When they got to his room, Albert asked if they close the door and talk.
“Billy, I have to tell you something.”
“Oh what is it my best friend? My mom is making a snack for us so we should go back down soon.”
“Yeah, sure. Okay, listen Billy; I’ve been lying to you. You see…”
“WHAT?! Best friends don’t lie to each other…”
“Listen Billy! I’m not a 15-year old boy, obviously… My name is Detective Andrew Hogens. I’m 26 years old, and I was working as an undercover agent on the hunt for sex predators. We thought you might be one, but when I met you, you were just a kid. You know Billy, you really shouldn’t give out all that personal information to people you don’t know. It is…”
“Wait, so you’re not my friend anymore…”
“Well Billy, not in the…”
“You’re a mean person. You’re not my friend anymore. Leave. Don’t talk to me anymore.”
Andrew was very confused as he was walking down the stairs. Mrs. Jones ran into him, and immediately asked where Billy was. Andrew told her what he had told Billy. Mrs. Jones told her husband to kick Andrew out of the house because he was mean to Billy.
A few months later, Billy made a real friend from a family who had moved in across the street. After Billy made sure that his new friend wasn’t an undercover officer, they became best friends. They stayed friends for the rest of their life!
Everyone had a happy ending except for Andrew, who lived the rest of his life very confused about the incident with the Jones Family.
The End.
The Ab-Eater by Kassie K.
Satire: Info-Mercials
The Ab-Eater
Setting:
Mark Jones is a fit and muscular college student who wants to look like buff like those guys on the T.V. show Jersey Shore. One day while he was watching TV, a commercial caught his eye.
Mays Billy (shouting):
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently and hated what you saw? Do you wish you had a sexier, flat, stomach? Do you wish you had the perfect abs you've always dreamed of? Well, with the Ab-Eater, your wish has been granted!!!
Mark (in an ecstatic tone):
Oh my gosh! This is exactly what I need to look super buff!
Mays Billy (still shouting):
The ab-eater is the newest revolution in the world of exercise and fitness. You've seen the other products on the market, the ab doer, the ab dolly, the ab rocker, the ab slide, and you've even seen the infomercials for them, some even featuring HUGE celebrities like Chuck Noris! Well, those products are all about to become completely useless, because for the first time ever, an ab exercise product has come along that makes getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of extremely EASY, FAST and EFFECTIVE! The Ab-Eater has arrived and is here to finally allow you to have the sexy, slim, flat perfect abs you've always dream of!
Chances are you have tried to get perfect abs before and maybe even tried or seen other ab products and machines and exercises, or other types of diets and pills and supplements, but nothing ever works. We know nothing ever works, plus, we know how hard it is to try to eat a good diet and try to work out. We know it is almost impossible to actually stick to a diet and workout almost every day!! And until now, that was the only way to get perfect abs, but with the Ab-Eater, getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of is right within your reach, plus, it is now EASIER THEN EVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!
You see, the Ab-Eater is so revolutionary that it does not require you to go on a diet and eat fewer calories or eat less fat; it doesn't even require you to exercise! With the Ab-Eater, you can eat whatever you want and not exercise or workout at all!!! This is what makes the Ab-Eater the very best ab product on the market! Now, you must be saying to yourself, "ok, I don't have to exercise, and I can eat whatever foods I want, sounds great, “how does the Ab-Eater system work?"
Mark Jones:
Wow, I don’t even have to exercise to get perfect abs?!
Mays Billy (shouting louder):
The Ab-Eater system was put together by a special team of construction workers, nuns, band teachers, professional bowlers and pianists in an attempt to create the perfect, easiest, fastest, and most effective way to get the perfect abs you've always dreamed of. All it takes are these 5 simple steps:
Step 1 - Go out shopping and buy all of your favorite foods. Don't even bother checking for fat content or calories, because remember, with the Ab-Eater, your diet doesn't matter! Buy all of your favorite foods, potato chips, cookies, cake, candy, McDonalds, any type of fried food, ice cream, anything you want!!! Then, after you buy it all, return home with all of these foods.
Step 2 - Take out the Ab-Eater and set it up somewhere where you will be comfortable, like in front of the television. This way you can watch T.V. while getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of! This is another quality that makes the Ab-Eater so effective!
Step 3 - Bring all of the food that you just bought over to where you set up the Ab-Eater. *note* before going on to the next step, make sure you have all of your Ab-Eater supplies near you. This would include the Ab-Eater itself, all of your favorite foods (the higher in saturated fat the better!!!) and the T.V. remote control.
Step 4 - This is the key step to the Ab-Eater system. Once you are seated in the Ab-Eater, proceed to eat all of the food that you bought. Every personal trainer knows that the key to perfect abs is the order in which you eat your high fat foods. So, start by eating all foods that start with the letter "C" first. This would include candy, cake, chocolate and cookies. From there, you want to move on to your fried fast foods. Start with McDonalds, then move on to Burger King and Wendy's. After this, feel free to eat the rest of your favorite foods in any order you choose.
Step 5 - Continue steps 1-4 over and over again as often as you wish and then sit back and relax while your flat, sexy stomach and ripped 6 pack abs starts to develop! With the Ab-Eater system, it is just that easy!!!!!!!!!!!
Mark Jones:
Hmm…the Ab-Eater sounds like a perfect way to get muscular. But I’m not too sure if I should get it…
Mays Billy:
Don't think it really works? Read some of our testimonials!!!!!!
Kristie Alley:
I was always out of shape my entire life. I would hate going to the beach because I never had the body that I wanted to have, I never had the perfect abs I've always dreamed of! Then, I saw the Ab-Eater for the first time and was completely amazed! I bought one for myself a week ago, used it twice, and today my wonderful sexy 6 pack is completely visible. Thank you Ab-Eater!!!
Queen Latifa:
I must recommend the Ab-Eater to everyone reading this, I'm only on my 4th bag of Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips and I can already feel the ab muscles working!!!! Thank you Ab-Eater!!
Rosie O’Donnell:
When I first bought the Ab-Eater, I thought, "yeah right, this won't really work, will it?" But as soon as I moved on to my fried fast foods, I knew that it was working!! Thank you Ab-Eater!!!
Jessica Simpson:
After only using the Ab-Eater for a few minutes, I wasn't even half way done with my McDonalds cheeseburger and I already felt the burn! Thank you Ab-Eater!!
Oprah Winfrey:
The chocolate cakes really work the lower abs!! Thank you Ab-Eater!
Roseanne Barr:
Not only has the Ab-Eater given me a perfect 6 pack, but the extra added pressure of moving the food to my mouth and picking up the remote control to change the channel really works the arms! Thank you Ab-Eater!
Mays Billy (shouting still):
People everywhere love the Ab-Eater and for the first time in their lives, they are finally experiencing what it is like to have the perfect abs they have always dreamed off, and you can too!! Order your Ab-Eater today!!! To order your Ab-Eater today, call 643-1111. Again that number is 643-1111.
The next commercial comes on…
Mark (picks up the phone and dials 643-111):
Hi! I would like to order an Ab-Eater.
The End.
The Ab-Eater
Setting:
Mark Jones is a fit and muscular college student who wants to look like buff like those guys on the T.V. show Jersey Shore. One day while he was watching TV, a commercial caught his eye.
Mays Billy (shouting):
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently and hated what you saw? Do you wish you had a sexier, flat, stomach? Do you wish you had the perfect abs you've always dreamed of? Well, with the Ab-Eater, your wish has been granted!!!
Mark (in an ecstatic tone):
Oh my gosh! This is exactly what I need to look super buff!
Mays Billy (still shouting):
The ab-eater is the newest revolution in the world of exercise and fitness. You've seen the other products on the market, the ab doer, the ab dolly, the ab rocker, the ab slide, and you've even seen the infomercials for them, some even featuring HUGE celebrities like Chuck Noris! Well, those products are all about to become completely useless, because for the first time ever, an ab exercise product has come along that makes getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of extremely EASY, FAST and EFFECTIVE! The Ab-Eater has arrived and is here to finally allow you to have the sexy, slim, flat perfect abs you've always dream of!
Chances are you have tried to get perfect abs before and maybe even tried or seen other ab products and machines and exercises, or other types of diets and pills and supplements, but nothing ever works. We know nothing ever works, plus, we know how hard it is to try to eat a good diet and try to work out. We know it is almost impossible to actually stick to a diet and workout almost every day!! And until now, that was the only way to get perfect abs, but with the Ab-Eater, getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of is right within your reach, plus, it is now EASIER THEN EVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!
You see, the Ab-Eater is so revolutionary that it does not require you to go on a diet and eat fewer calories or eat less fat; it doesn't even require you to exercise! With the Ab-Eater, you can eat whatever you want and not exercise or workout at all!!! This is what makes the Ab-Eater the very best ab product on the market! Now, you must be saying to yourself, "ok, I don't have to exercise, and I can eat whatever foods I want, sounds great, “how does the Ab-Eater system work?"
Mark Jones:
Wow, I don’t even have to exercise to get perfect abs?!
Mays Billy (shouting louder):
The Ab-Eater system was put together by a special team of construction workers, nuns, band teachers, professional bowlers and pianists in an attempt to create the perfect, easiest, fastest, and most effective way to get the perfect abs you've always dreamed of. All it takes are these 5 simple steps:
Step 1 - Go out shopping and buy all of your favorite foods. Don't even bother checking for fat content or calories, because remember, with the Ab-Eater, your diet doesn't matter! Buy all of your favorite foods, potato chips, cookies, cake, candy, McDonalds, any type of fried food, ice cream, anything you want!!! Then, after you buy it all, return home with all of these foods.
Step 2 - Take out the Ab-Eater and set it up somewhere where you will be comfortable, like in front of the television. This way you can watch T.V. while getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of! This is another quality that makes the Ab-Eater so effective!
Step 3 - Bring all of the food that you just bought over to where you set up the Ab-Eater. *note* before going on to the next step, make sure you have all of your Ab-Eater supplies near you. This would include the Ab-Eater itself, all of your favorite foods (the higher in saturated fat the better!!!) and the T.V. remote control.
Step 4 - This is the key step to the Ab-Eater system. Once you are seated in the Ab-Eater, proceed to eat all of the food that you bought. Every personal trainer knows that the key to perfect abs is the order in which you eat your high fat foods. So, start by eating all foods that start with the letter "C" first. This would include candy, cake, chocolate and cookies. From there, you want to move on to your fried fast foods. Start with McDonalds, then move on to Burger King and Wendy's. After this, feel free to eat the rest of your favorite foods in any order you choose.
Step 5 - Continue steps 1-4 over and over again as often as you wish and then sit back and relax while your flat, sexy stomach and ripped 6 pack abs starts to develop! With the Ab-Eater system, it is just that easy!!!!!!!!!!!
Mark Jones:
Hmm…the Ab-Eater sounds like a perfect way to get muscular. But I’m not too sure if I should get it…
Mays Billy:
Don't think it really works? Read some of our testimonials!!!!!!
Kristie Alley:
I was always out of shape my entire life. I would hate going to the beach because I never had the body that I wanted to have, I never had the perfect abs I've always dreamed of! Then, I saw the Ab-Eater for the first time and was completely amazed! I bought one for myself a week ago, used it twice, and today my wonderful sexy 6 pack is completely visible. Thank you Ab-Eater!!!
Queen Latifa:
I must recommend the Ab-Eater to everyone reading this, I'm only on my 4th bag of Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips and I can already feel the ab muscles working!!!! Thank you Ab-Eater!!
Rosie O’Donnell:
When I first bought the Ab-Eater, I thought, "yeah right, this won't really work, will it?" But as soon as I moved on to my fried fast foods, I knew that it was working!! Thank you Ab-Eater!!!
Jessica Simpson:
After only using the Ab-Eater for a few minutes, I wasn't even half way done with my McDonalds cheeseburger and I already felt the burn! Thank you Ab-Eater!!
Oprah Winfrey:
The chocolate cakes really work the lower abs!! Thank you Ab-Eater!
Roseanne Barr:
Not only has the Ab-Eater given me a perfect 6 pack, but the extra added pressure of moving the food to my mouth and picking up the remote control to change the channel really works the arms! Thank you Ab-Eater!
Mays Billy (shouting still):
People everywhere love the Ab-Eater and for the first time in their lives, they are finally experiencing what it is like to have the perfect abs they have always dreamed off, and you can too!! Order your Ab-Eater today!!! To order your Ab-Eater today, call 643-1111. Again that number is 643-1111.
The next commercial comes on…
Mark (picks up the phone and dials 643-111):
Hi! I would like to order an Ab-Eater.
The End.
Para "Just Normal" Activity 2 by Monica H.
Para-“Just Normal” Activity 2
THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY THAT TAKES PLACE IN A MAKE-SHIFT HOUSE LOCATED IN HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.
It was one evening that changed the Dey’s lives forever. After returning home from a crazy night at a parent-teacher conference, the family was reunited with a house that was literally turned upside down. The coffee table was on its side, the couch had giant slashes, pots and pans were scattered on the floor. They were freaked out to say the least, but after looking around they realized that nothing was actually missing, the house was just trashed. However, the father Michael took things a little more seriously. “I WILL CATCH THE HOOLIGANS THAT DID THIS!” He declared, and the result was security cameras that were set up in every single room in the house, including the closets and bathrooms. Oh, and don’t forget the motion detectors, heat cameras, and spy satellites that he purchased as well.
(The fact that there were no visible signs of a break in should be simply overlooked.)
Throughout the last couple of weeks, strange things had occurred in the house and were caught on tape. These included kitchen cabinets being thrust wide open and their two year old baby boy constantly waking up at night to stare out the window. But despite his little overreaction, the father dismissed everything else as normal. “It’s normal for cabinets to swing open all at once,” he stated. “That’s just the way they were made. Don’t judge them. Only Jesus can judge.”
His wife Stephanie and daughter Amy were suspicious, though. They decided that their house was haunted and it was up to them to prove it to Michael before anyone got hurt. So after searching through the security cameras’ videos, they found one scene in particular that would definitely prove that something was up.
It was a video focused on the outside pool. But if looked at more clearly, it’s obvious to see that the pool cleaner started to rise out of the water and into the air. Then, it started waving around in a circular motion above the ground. Something started playing in the background, yet it wasn’t quite audible. Wait… It was undoubtedly the song “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO. Soon enough, the pool cleaner started shuffling and was later joined by the singers! Flashing lights and special effects included.
Even though the father witnessed all of this, he didn’t believe that anything was wrong. “I SEE IT ALL THE TIME ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL. DON’T WORRY, THIS IS NORMAL.” And that was that.
During that night, however, things took a turn for the worst. A door slammed shut, waking the entire family. All of a sudden, Stephanie was dragged down the stairs by her feet and into the basement. Fists pounded against the door as she yelled for someone to help. Michael then walked downstairs and proceeded to the couch where he turned on the T.V. to watch Monday Night Football. Oddly enough, barks started to materialize from behind the door. Amy ran down the stairs in shock. “What are you doing?” She yelled. “Mom is in the basement barking her head off and you’re more concerned about the Cowboys beating the Forty Niners? Our house is haunted for Pete’s sake!”
“Where’s your evidence?!” Michael exclaimed.
Amy’s eyes grew wide. “What more evidence do you need?” She remarked. “The baby to start floating?”
And as soon as she said that, the baby came into the room, levitating and slowly rotating in circles.
“Okay, fine! If it makes you feel better, I’ll rid the house of this so-called spirit.” After that he got up from his chair and went straight to his bedroom. A few moments later, he returned, wearing a priest costume and holding two chopsticks that were taped together to form a cross because apparently he couldn’t find one. You know what they say: If you can’t find an exorcist, best bet is to be your own.
He opened the basement door and found the mother lying on the stairs. With his ghetto-cross in hand, he lifted it up and said, “I COMMAND THIS SPIRIT TO LEAVE US ALONE.” Forcefully, he pressed the chopsticks onto Stephanie’s body. She started to shake and ended up biting his hand. Foam started to form in her mouth. Then, she jumped up and ran around the house on all fours.
Amy finally came to a conclusion. “Dad, I’m sorry, but our house is haunted by a demon dog, and I’m going to call the police to have you tested for drugs because you’re not smart enough to realize it.”
And so, the police were called to the house, the father scored a positive on his drug tests, the children were placed in foster care, and the mother was kept in an insane asylum for the rest of her life. And they all lived happily ever after.
THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY THAT TAKES PLACE IN A MAKE-SHIFT HOUSE LOCATED IN HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.
It was one evening that changed the Dey’s lives forever. After returning home from a crazy night at a parent-teacher conference, the family was reunited with a house that was literally turned upside down. The coffee table was on its side, the couch had giant slashes, pots and pans were scattered on the floor. They were freaked out to say the least, but after looking around they realized that nothing was actually missing, the house was just trashed. However, the father Michael took things a little more seriously. “I WILL CATCH THE HOOLIGANS THAT DID THIS!” He declared, and the result was security cameras that were set up in every single room in the house, including the closets and bathrooms. Oh, and don’t forget the motion detectors, heat cameras, and spy satellites that he purchased as well.
(The fact that there were no visible signs of a break in should be simply overlooked.)
Throughout the last couple of weeks, strange things had occurred in the house and were caught on tape. These included kitchen cabinets being thrust wide open and their two year old baby boy constantly waking up at night to stare out the window. But despite his little overreaction, the father dismissed everything else as normal. “It’s normal for cabinets to swing open all at once,” he stated. “That’s just the way they were made. Don’t judge them. Only Jesus can judge.”
His wife Stephanie and daughter Amy were suspicious, though. They decided that their house was haunted and it was up to them to prove it to Michael before anyone got hurt. So after searching through the security cameras’ videos, they found one scene in particular that would definitely prove that something was up.
It was a video focused on the outside pool. But if looked at more clearly, it’s obvious to see that the pool cleaner started to rise out of the water and into the air. Then, it started waving around in a circular motion above the ground. Something started playing in the background, yet it wasn’t quite audible. Wait… It was undoubtedly the song “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO. Soon enough, the pool cleaner started shuffling and was later joined by the singers! Flashing lights and special effects included.
Even though the father witnessed all of this, he didn’t believe that anything was wrong. “I SEE IT ALL THE TIME ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL. DON’T WORRY, THIS IS NORMAL.” And that was that.
During that night, however, things took a turn for the worst. A door slammed shut, waking the entire family. All of a sudden, Stephanie was dragged down the stairs by her feet and into the basement. Fists pounded against the door as she yelled for someone to help. Michael then walked downstairs and proceeded to the couch where he turned on the T.V. to watch Monday Night Football. Oddly enough, barks started to materialize from behind the door. Amy ran down the stairs in shock. “What are you doing?” She yelled. “Mom is in the basement barking her head off and you’re more concerned about the Cowboys beating the Forty Niners? Our house is haunted for Pete’s sake!”
“Where’s your evidence?!” Michael exclaimed.
Amy’s eyes grew wide. “What more evidence do you need?” She remarked. “The baby to start floating?”
And as soon as she said that, the baby came into the room, levitating and slowly rotating in circles.
“Okay, fine! If it makes you feel better, I’ll rid the house of this so-called spirit.” After that he got up from his chair and went straight to his bedroom. A few moments later, he returned, wearing a priest costume and holding two chopsticks that were taped together to form a cross because apparently he couldn’t find one. You know what they say: If you can’t find an exorcist, best bet is to be your own.
He opened the basement door and found the mother lying on the stairs. With his ghetto-cross in hand, he lifted it up and said, “I COMMAND THIS SPIRIT TO LEAVE US ALONE.” Forcefully, he pressed the chopsticks onto Stephanie’s body. She started to shake and ended up biting his hand. Foam started to form in her mouth. Then, she jumped up and ran around the house on all fours.
Amy finally came to a conclusion. “Dad, I’m sorry, but our house is haunted by a demon dog, and I’m going to call the police to have you tested for drugs because you’re not smart enough to realize it.”
And so, the police were called to the house, the father scored a positive on his drug tests, the children were placed in foster care, and the mother was kept in an insane asylum for the rest of her life. And they all lived happily ever after.
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