Horror Story Satire by Jasmine Q.

Horror Story Satire



Greg and his wife, Stephanie, moved to Wyoming and are looking for a house to live in after escaping the great acne epidemic in Colorado. They find a real estate agent and ask him for the cheapest house they can stay in before going back home



Agent: (in a raspy voice) Welcome, summoned ones. May I interest you in an oversized and expensive dwelling place?

Stephanie: Oh my. What an odd fellow.

Greg: Hello, my good man. My family and I will be living in this state for only a short while, so we wish to see the cheapest house you have to offer.

Agent: … Crazy knuckleheads. I’ll see what I can do for you

Greg: Thank you?

Agent: Ahh, here we go. This one is $1.35 per night. I’ll get you the address.

Stephanie: That’s amazingly cheap! What’s wrong with it?!

Agent: Absolutely nothing! However, people don’t want to buy it when I tell them it was built over a cemetery whish was use to bury the deceased prisoners, which was built on top of a mental asylum, which was built on the ancient torture chambers of the ancient peoples.

Greg: Why would we buy the house now that you told us that?

Agent: Because It has a coffee shop across the street?

Stephanie: Let’s go!



Greg and Stephanie drive to the house’s address when a thunderstorm begins.



Greg: Just our luck, Steph. We ran out of gas. At least we reached the house. What’s that vulture doing circling the house? It could get electrocuted in the storm.

Stephanie: Can we go to the coffee shop now?

Greg: It’s almost 10:00 at night. You won’t be able to fall asleep if you have caffeine.

Stephanie: Then why don’t we just talk with the waiter for a while?

Greg: Alright, but only for a while. We have to start unpacking soon



The couple walks into the coffee shop and sees a single waiter cleaning the counter.



Stephanie: Hello! Can I have a mocha cappuccino?

Waiter: Sorry lady. We’re closing. What are you two doing out here in the middle of Wyoming on a stormy night anyway?

Greg: We have come from afar to find a temporary home, and the house just across the street will suit us until we may return to Colorado.

Waiter: You picked the wrong place, sonny. That there house is haunted by a terrible monster. It has four long gangly limbs, a body that is 6 feet tall, a jet black mustache, and comes out only at night. It has the strength to lift a small child, the speed of a fat elephant, and feeds on wild animals.

Greg: Ha! What a far-fetched story. There are no wild elephants in North America! Come dear, and we will leave this crazy bitter man with his silly stories.

Waiter: Please come again.



The couple walks into the house and they begin to settle down.



Stephanie: They should take better care of this house. There are cobwebs and dirt everywhere, and I feel a draft.

Greg: There’s no electricity either.

Stephanie: I think this is the Adams family’s residence.

Greg: Oh, look dear. This must be the bedroom.

Stephanie: I don’t think beds are made of spikes and leather straps. This next room must be the bedroom.

Greg: Darn this storm. The roof is leaking.

Stephanie: Just use a bucket to catch the water



Greg and Stephanie wash up and get into bed.



Stephanie: Greg, what was that? I heard a thump.

Greg: It’s probably just the storm. The wind could have pushed a branch against the window.

Stephanie: Now I hear footsteps. There are footsteps, Greg!

Greg: Maybe the vulture is walking around on our roof.

Stephanie: Shhh. Do you hear that? It sounds like an old man moaning in pain!

Greg: …. That is a very sick vulture.

Stephanie: I can’t sleep! What if it is that horrible monster that the waiter told us about? He said it has the strength to lift a fat elephant, the speed of a wild animal, and eats small children with mustaches.

Greg: I don’t think that was quite what he said. Besides, there are no such things as North American elephants. I’ll search around the house with you to prove that there are no monsters



The couple gets out of bed and they proceed down the hallway.



Greg: See? Nothing is here. Now let’s check behind this door.

Stephanie: Don’t open the door.

Greg: Why not?

Stephanie: You’re not supposed to open the door.

Greg: Oh, for heaven’s sake! I’m opening the door! (Greg slowly reaches for the door and opens it)

Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Greg: Calm down, Steph! It’s just a goat.

Stephanie: Oh. Alright, I guess there was nothing to be afrai …. Did you hear that?

Greg: What now?

Stephanie: I hear a scratching noise coming from the other door.

Greg: You mean this one? (Greg opens the second door, and a 6 foot tall smelly monster with a long stick steps out)

Monster: Howzit?

Goat: BAAAAAAA!

Greg: Run away!!!

Stephanie: AHHHH!



Greg, Stephanie, and the goat run away as fast as they can as the monster slowly limps after them.



Greg: Stephanie! If we die, we will die together! That monster may rip off our faces, but it cannot tear apart our love.

Stephanie: Get a hold of yourself Greg! We can beat this horrible mustache monster! All we have to do is pour water on it!

Greg: What kind of logic is that?

Stephanie: Mustaches don’t like to get wet, and it works in all of the movies.

Greg: All of the movies? Really?

Stephanie: Yes! Remember the leaky roof? I’ll bet that the bucket caught enough water to wash the monster out of existence!

Goat: Baaaaa.

Greg: Whatever. Maybe the water will surprise it long enough for us to get to the exit.



The couple grabs the bucket of water and they wait for the monster in the hall.



Monster: Euhghhhaahhh! (walks slowly toward the couple)

Greg; Here it comes.

Stephanie: Ahhhhhh!

Monster: Heyuuuuhhh!

Greg: It’s still coming

Monster: Ihavaheerughnh!

Greg: Getting closer

Stephanie: Just pour the water!



Greg pours the water on the monster.



Monster: Yowww!

Stephanie: You did it! We killed it!

Greg: Wait a minute. This isn’t a monster. See the dirt washing away? It’s old man Jenkins!

Jenkins: Thank you, my boy. I was parched. That water is very refreshing.

Stephanie: I guess that explains the moaning, but why are you so dirty?

Jenkins: I tripped over a lawn sprinkler in the mud outside, so I came into this house. When I realized that It is illegal to enter a house without permission, I tried to hide. Then, I realized that I should just ask you for a towel, but you screamed and ran away.

Greg: Why were you walking in so slowly and creepily toward us?

Jenkins: I’m called old man for a reason. That’s why I normally walk with my cane.

Stephanie: What are you even doing here in the middle of Wyoming old man Jenkins?

Jenkins: I’m looking for my goat. Now that I found it, I will leave. Good luck you two, and merry Christmas! (Old man Jenkins rides away on his goat)

Greg: That was strange. I have one more unanswered question though. Where did that monster story come from anyway?

Waiter: I made it up to scare people!

Stephanie: Ahh! Where did you come from?

Waiter: I walk to work every morning. I heard you yahoos talking about me so I came over.

Greg: Making up stories is bad for business, you know?

Waiter: Need some gas?

Greg: Umm, yes. Actually, I do. Let’s leave, Steph. Wyoming is too much for me to handle. I’d rather be a part of the acne epidemic.



Greg fills his car with gas and the couple rides away into the sunset.

The end.