Man v. Food by Noelle Y.

All I saw was this immense plate of food in front of me, and I could barely withstand the urge to stuff my face and never stop. No, I had to take it slowly; the producer of the show told me I looked like a starved animal that had seen food for the first time in weeks. I didn’t care how much food there was, I was paid to eat it all, and that’s exactly what I did. The amount of time never mattered; I had the largest stomach out there that could withstand any food competition, and I got the job done. In this particular challenge, I was faced with the test of consuming the Kraken which was comprised of a 12 pound lobster, 8 octopus tentacles, 14 clams, 1 King Crab, and a marlin. It looked incredible, and I couldn’t wait to get all that food in my mouth. Though it may have seemed like a large about for one man to eat, I knew there would be still room for dessert! When the clock was started, food flew and my cheeks bulged like a chipmunk gather nuts. The sound people yelling filled the room as time winded down. Bystanders cheered: “Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six!” but it was all a muffled noise to me. I was in the zone! Nothing could distract me from eating more and more food, it was just too delicious and I couldn’t help myself! I already knew I had this thing in the bag. “Three! Two! One! Zero!” And that was it.

“And there you have it folks!” yelled Mr. Allen, “Bubba has done it again! With a time of forty-five minutes and twelve seconds, Mr. Bubba has defeated the seafood beast, the Kraken! Tune in to next week’s episode of Man vs. Food, where he will be taking on the Indian Volcano! See ya then!”

The stage manager called “That’s a wrap people!” and the show was done. The camera lights turned off and people started shuffling out of the room. It was then when Mr. Allen, the show’s host, came up to me. “I’ll tell ya Bubba, that was an amazing episode you had there.” I replied, “Thanks Bill. I’ll see you next week!”

When I got home, Leanne was there with a huge tray of cookies that were calling my name. “Honey,” she said, “the doctor called again. He said your cholesterol level is skyrocketing…but anyways, I made you some double chocolate chip cookies! I hope you still have room.” But she knew I always had room for more food (especially cookies). Personally, Leanne didn’t approve of my show, only because it deprived her of the opportunity to cook more meals for me! She once said to me, “Well, Bubba, your health isn’t the best, and I would like to spend more time with you, but as long as you’re doing what you love and eating as much as you possibly can, its fine with me.” The only problem was the Doctor, Mr. Ching. He was always whining to me, “Bubba you’re unhealthy, Bubba you eat too much, Bubba you’re going to get hurt,” and it really got on my nerves. He sounded like a little boy who never got what he wanted, and I didn’t really care what he had to say. It’s my life, my food, and I ate whatever I choose to. Unfortunately, it was time for my monthly check up that Mr. Ching REQUIRED; what a pain! He always gave me a rough time when I went in to see him but, nothing he said really mattered to me.

That day, I had walked into the doctor’s office like a scared puppy, petrified at what would happen next. I was paranoid that he would somehow stop me from doing the show. I thought: What if he put me on medication? What if he said I wasn’t healthy enough for the next show? And worse, what if he made me quit altogether? I was so intently focused on these thoughts, I barely heard the receptionist when she called my name, “Bubba, Dr. Ching can see you now.” I entered once again the familiar examination room and Dr. Ching motioned for me to sit down.

“Hi, Bubba, thanks for coming in today,” said the doctor.

I replied “Um ya, no problem. So you wanted to talk to me about something?”

“Well as you already know, I am extremely concerned about your health. This show, along with a lack of exercise and a balanced diet, are bringing your physical condition to an extremely dangerous state. You need to adjust your lifestyle, or something terrible could happen to you.”

Basically all I heard was “Blah blah blah,” but I nodded my head anyways.

He said, “Well, just monitor your food intake while you’re in India and I’ll have a follow-up session afterwards.”

“Okay, sounds good! Thank you!” And with that, I left.

The following week went by quickly, and before I knew it I was on a plane to India. Thinking back, I was so excited to eat, especially on that occasion. Indian food was new to me at the time, and I couldn’t wait to experience more flavors and food. After my arrival, the time for filming quickly approached. I felt a little funny before, but I thought it was just pre-show jitters. I shook it off, and prepared myself for the sensation of eating a lot of food.

The stage manager called “And we’re rolling in 3, 2, 1!” It was the usual, Mr. Allen introduced himself and the show, explaining what would be happening today. I had 30 minutes to consume the Indian food, and then the timer began. The first fifteen minutes went by slowly; I could tell something was throwing off my game. I wasn’t consuming the chow as fast as I should’ve and I started to have chest pain. Before I knew it, I was on the floor.

I don’t remember anything that happened following black out, but I was told I had a heart attack. I was taken to the nearest hospital to be treated, and luckily the doctors were able to save me. My wife flew in to India immediately after receiving the news, bringing along Dr. Ching. When I regained consciousness, Leanne was right by my side. She said, “So apparently, your body was ‘overwhelmed’ and ‘overworked’ from all your food intake, but I know you can always eat more! I brought some of your favorite microwavable hamburgers because I know this hospital food is terribly healthy. I’ll fix you up one right now.” Despite my wife’s great attitude towards the situation, Dr. Ching had talked to me in a more serious tone. He advised that I quit the show because it was “too dangerous” for me to be living such an unhealthy lifestyle. Ha! The nerve of this guy! There was no way I’d quit the show, I loved eating food and that’s what I’d continue to do.

So the situation in India was a little bump in the road, but hey, I now knew Indian food was amazing! Dr. Ching allowed me to continue the show under the condition that I did it locally so there would be no issues with international hospital procedures and whatnot, in case of emergency. It was a small price to pay, considering the great reward of staying on Man vs. Food. I still got to eat large amounts of food whenever I wanted, in front of millions of fans cheering me on. Life was good.