Religion Satire by Maile R.

Lauren jumped when she felt an elbow jab her in the rib. Focusing back on the present, she looked next to her, in the direction of where the elbow had come. Nick was grinning at her in amusement, his eyeliner rimmed eyes shinning with laughter. He was kneeling down between the lawn chairs, with his hands folded to pray. Lauren hastily kneeled next to him. He chuckled softly, and she elbowed him. Turning away from him, she focused on what Father Carl was saying. “God is like a loving father, and we are his naughty children. We make many mistakes, we turn away from him, and yet, he always forgives us.” Father Carl smiled at the people in the pews, opening his arms wide in welcome. “Let us all try and be good children of God, and remain faithful to the almighty father. We must follow in his son Jesus’ footsteps, by loving and forgiving all people.” Father Carl then turned to the altar, and blessed the bread and wine. Father Carl was a catholic deacon who was visiting Lauren’s Christian church New Hope. He wasn’t doing a bad job, thought Lauren. Losing focus again, Lauren watched as people started to get up, and go to be blessed by Father Carl. She did a double-take when she spotted a young red-headed woman going to be blessed. Her face was gaunt, and she had shadows under her lifeless eyes. Her hair was oily, and dull. She looked as if she hadn’t slept or showered in days. Lauren nudged Nick, and pointed the red-head out. “Isn’t that the girl from the news? The one who was raped?” Nick peered at the pale woman. After a few moments he said, “Yeah, I think it is. Didn’t she get pregnant, and have an abortion?” Lauren nodded, her eyes still on the red-head. Everyone in her church had heard about what happened to the young woman. Last week, they had prayed for her. How would Father Carl react to the woman being at church Lauren wondered. After all, the Catholic church did not support abortion, because it destroyed precious life. Lauren watched anxiously as the red-headed woman reached Father Carl. His eyes sparked with recognition. Lauren was startled to see the fury in his face. She became even more shocked when Father Carl shouted, “What are you doing here you wretched woman?” Everyone started at the Father’s shouts of rage. “How dare you come here demon! You are a murderer! Get out! Get out now! You are not welcome in the house of God! You are unworthy! Get out and never come back! You will burn in eternal damnation!” The woman, who had scrambled away from the Father’s rage, was frozen in terror and shock. Father Carl, his eyes filled with loathing, chased the woman out of the church. Stunned, Lauren looked around the church. People were looking shocked and indignant at the Father chasing out the woman. After a few moments, Father Carl came walking back into the church looking angry, yet strangely satisfied. As he passed, Lauren heard him muttering, “Waste of life. Abortions…gay people….” Lauren felt Nick stiffen beside her. She glanced over at him, and noticed his jaw tightened in anger, and his hands clenched into fists. Lauren put her hand over Nick’s clenched hand. He relaxed slightly under her touch and flashed her a grateful smile. Nick was gay. He and Lauren had been best friends since preschool. Lauren knew that Nick was touchy with the subject of him being gay. And despite the teasing at school, Nick stood strong. Though, it did upset him. It made Lauren wonder, the Catholic Church said that God loves all people, and yet they don’t accept some people. Isn’t that a sin against God? Shaking her head of these thoughts, Lauren turned her attention back on Father Carl. Even though she was trying to pay attention, she couldn’t help noticing the contradictions about the Catholic Church itching in the back of her mind.
At school the next day, Lauren had a hard time paying attention to any of her classes. The questions about the Catholic Church still swarmed around in her head. She felt slightly confused, and a bit upset that the Catholic Church had to be so serious all of the time. She was surprised at the wall of anger that washed over her as she thought about how the Catholic Church didn’t accept everyone, even though they say they do. At lunch, she brought up her thoughts to Nick. “The Catholic Church says that they accept everyone, but they don’t. Isn’t that a sin?” Lauren looked imploringly at Nick, hoping that he would have good answers. Nick paused, the chip in his hand halfway to his mouth. He thought for a moment, then said, “I personally think that the church is contradicting themselves, but,” Nick sat up straighter, with his hands folded to pray, and he bowed in his seat. “Whatever the church says is the law.” Lauren sniggered, and punched him in the shoulder. “Be serious! They’re contradicting their teachings, and they really need to start following their own advice by being good, forgiving people!” Nick stared at her forcefulness. “Wow… you are more fired up about it then I am. And I’m the gay one!” Nick laughed as Lauren threw a grape at him. He stopped laughing when the bell rang. “Speaking of the church,” he said sarcastically, “time to go to our favorite class! Religion!”
Nick turned around when Lauren tapped his shoulder. “What do you think we’re doing today?” He shrugged. “Probably something boring and spiritual. Like we always do.” Lauren grinned. Nick turned his attention to the front as their teacher, Mrs. Smith, started talking. “Today, we are most fortunate to be visited by a special guest.” She looked expectantly around the room, as if waiting for cheers and applause. The students gazed back at her with dull eyes. Irritation filled her features as she went on. “Our very special guest is Father Carl.” Lauren stiffened with shock and anger. Nick had also tensed up, and he flashed a grim look at Lauren. The class watched as the Deacon walked into the room. He smiled at everyone, ignoring the yawns and snickers from the class. When he passed Lauren and Nick, no recognition came to his eyes. He didn’t remember them from church. Lauren deliberately looked away from him, trying to fight off the rage that was quickly building inside her. How dare he come to their school. He was a horrible Father! Taking a deep breath, she willed time to go faster, so that their class ended before she exploded with anger. Father Carl stood at the front of the classroom, and spread his arms wide. “Hello children. My name is Father Carl, and I am a catholic Deacon. I am here today to bless you all, and further your knowledge of God.” A few students groaned, and Mrs. Smith shushed them. Looking around at all the students, Father Carl said, “But first, does anyone here go to the Christian Church New Hope?” In front of her, Nick sat up straighter, curious about where Father Carl was going with this. Neither of them raised their hands, but instead waited to hear what he had to say. After scanning the room, Father Carl said, “Good job all of you. I had the displeasure of having to go there this past weekend to preach. It was horrible!” Lauren clenched her fists, trying her best to squeeze down her anger. Nick clutched the edge of his desk so hard his knuckles turned white. Father Carl started pacing as he continued speaking. “Their church is in shabby conditions. They don’t even have pews! They sit on filthy lawn chairs!” Lauren closed her eyes, trying to block out his voice, unsuccessfully. “They music they play is loud and obnoxious. Its doesn’t give praise to God, it insults him!” Lauren opened her eyes as she heard Nick shifting in front of her. He was turned around, and looking at her. She saw her own fury reflected in his eyes. Stop talking, stop talking, Lauren chanted over and over in her head. “Their teachings are unfaithful and disgraceful to God!” Lauren gritted her teeth as she felt her hold on her anger slipping. Father Carl paused at the front of the classroom. “Worst of all, they let in gay people, and people who have had abortions!” At that, Lauren’s rage exploded. Apparently Nick’s fury broke the surface too, as he got up at the same time as she did. Together, they ran at Father Carl, ignoring the gasps from the class, and the shouts from Mrs. Smith. They slammed into the Deacon at the same time, pushing him against the wall, making him grunt. Hardly noticing the screams of girls, the yells of boys, and the cries of their teacher, Lauren and Nick clawed, punched, hit, and kicked Father Carl. Between the both of them, the father was defenseless. Lauren wasn’t concentrating on what she was doing until she felt hands grab her around the waist, and yank her off of the beaten father. Coming back to herself, she stopped struggling. Nick didn’t go as quietly. He kicked furiously at the two male teachers who were trying to pry him off of Father Carl, who was unconscious. Finally managing to wrestle him off of the bloodied father, the two teachers held Nick between them, with his arms twisted behind his back. The surge of anger that she had felt ceased when she looked at Father Carl. He was covered with multiple bleeding scratches, his right eye was beginning to blacken, and he had a swollen, cut lip. Part of her was satisfied. He deserved getting beat. But another part of her knew that she shouldn’t have attacked him. She glanced at Nick who was still being held by the two teachers. Nick looked as though he was fighting conflicting feelings of regret and satisfaction. Their eyes met, and a silent agreement passed between them. They were glad that they showed Father Carl, but they knew that the consequences would be severe. But they would stick together through it all.
After that, Lauren was in a daze. She vaguely remembers being in the principal’s office. Her parents were called, as was Nick’s. After waiting for what seemed like forever, Lauren and Nick discovered that they had been expelled. Lauren felt as if her life had come crashing down. Which in some cases, it had. However, this was only the beginning.
10 years later, Lauren stood in front of Second Chances Church. Taking in the huge building with the grand opening sign on it, she felt a rush of accomplishment. Through the corner of her eye, Nick stood next to her, also staring up at the new Church. Pride and success filled his blue eyes that were rimmed with eyeliner. They had done it. They opened a church that would accept anybody and everybody, no matter if they were gay or straight, if they had committed mortal sins or not. No matter what ethnic race they were, or what their beliefs were. All people were welcome, and they would not be judged.