Cheerleaders Satire by Courtney M.

“Five, six, seven, eight! Let’s go Cows and work it! Stop the music! Come on ladies, competition is in 1 day, we need to get this routine down perfectly! Stop slacking!”
This is the voice of the exceedingly preppy cheerleading team captain, Carrie Cash. She is an 11th grader with me at Green Meadows High School in India. She comes from an extremely wealthy family and definitely is not afraid to show it. Her parents used to live in a mansion located in Beverly Hills, California. The story is that they got kicked out from their home from having too many Chihuahua’s, but it sounds a little fishy. Carrie always fashionable, arrives at school by limo, has her hair nicely done, an expensive outfit put together and her very noticeable sparkly pink backpack. Although she is still wealthy, she now lives with her parents along with her 8 brothers and sisters in an apartment with 2 bedrooms.
My name is Penelope Pepperjack and I am a cheerleader for the Green Meadow Cows. I am overly excited about the cheerleading competition tomorrow; I could do a round-off, back handspring, full layout here on the cement! There are 6 other girls on my squad, not including me. There’s Jenna the jealous one, Andie the annoying one, Beth the back stabber, Fern the funny one, Dez the ditzy one and Carrie the captain. I’m known as Penelope the princess. We have practice every day after school from 3:00pm-9:00pm. Great!
“Jenna, stop trying to get with Mike. He’s my lab partner I had him first! If you make one more move on him I will come over there and punch you in your sternum,” Beth said in a very threatening voice.
“It’s not my fault that I’m prettier than you and your lab partner can’t help but stare.”
Everyone at the table stopped what they were doing and there was an awkward silence. That moment Dez jumped in and said, “Oh my goodness girls! We need to H-O-L-D, hold up and totally like apologize. We don’t need to be aggressive, B-E aggressive. Do not let a stupid boy get in the way of your friendship! He is not worth it. Seriously, have you seen the boy? His arms are like toothpicks, he is an honor roll student and looks like a complete computer geek who plays video games all day. That’s just L-A-M-E, lame.”
“I’m sorry Beth for knowing that I’m better than you…hug?”
“As long as you don’t do it again, your sternum should be fine.”
Beth and Jenna hugged each other and apologized reuniting as friends, until the next time Jenna tries to make a move on Beth’s Chemistry lab partner, Mike. While all of this chaos was happening, Fern was hysterically laughing at the end of the table from watching a video her mom sent her of a horse farting.
After school ended, at 3:00 we all headed down to the field to get practice started when Carrie told us terrible news.
“I am flabbergasted! Just speechless. I just found out that Dez got suspended from school and from being in the cheer competition which is tomorrow! Guess what the reason was?!”
“Mmm.. she hit a girl with a book?” said Beth
“I know, I know! I know everything. It’s because she lied to her mom,” added Andie.
“No Andie! Shut up, you’re so irritating. You don’t know anything. She got suspended for being too preppy to Mrs. Henshaw in period 5.”
I questioned Carrie and asked what she said to get her suspended.
Carrie said in an irritated voice, “Dez told Mrs. Henshaw, ‘Hey girl, hey! Like oh my gosh, you’re outfit is like, totally cute! Borrow? I am so excited for competition! It’s in 1 day!’, and then Mrs. Henshaw told her to see the principal and also that she is not allowed back in her classroom until she buys her breakfast and a doughnut hole from Jelly’s the famous doughnut store! That is so ridiculous! Whatever. Anyways, let’s get back to practice now! We have no time to waste. Fern, Jenna, Andie and Penelope do a triple down, tuck out, double back handspring full out of your thigh stand.”
We all listened to her and performed what was stated. She was really impressed with us and believed we would at least place second to the last in the competition!
When my mom picked me up from practice, as soon as I got home I fell asleep on my kitchen floor because I was so exhausted.
“Wake up honey! It’s competition day,” said my mom.
“Mm… five more minutes!”
“Get your little booty up right now, or I will call Carrie and tell her to pull you off of the squad.”
You better believe I jumped right out of bed, washed up and I was ready to go to school in 10 minutes. But while I was brushing my teeth, I noticed something extremely terrible had happened! I was brushing my teeth with my favorite sing-a-long tooth brush, I looked in the mirror saw a huge pimple in the middle of my forehead the size of a peanut butter m&m! I had to cover it up, so I put on a whole load of foundation on that my face looked pale.
When I got to school, all the cheerleaders met in front of the gym to practice before school since it was the day of the competition. No one noticed the volcano on my head so I didn’t say anything about it to draw attention. Carrie had Andie, Fern and Jenna doing a stunt that required them to toss Jenna 20 feet into the air and while airborne, she needs to do three complete spins and a tuck. While she came down, she knocked out Fern and Andie giving both of them sever concussions.
“Oh my gosh guys, I’m so sorry! Are you okay?” asked Jenna.
“No Jenna, they’re totally fine that’s why they’re lying on the ground unresponsive!” said Carrie.
Because her bases got knocked out, Jenna fell flat on her bottom and bruised her tailbone. The trainers told them that they were not able to compete in the competition that day which made them really sad. That leaves half the team including me, Beth, Dez and Carrie.
After that traumatizing morning, we went to our class worried about what to do for our formations and sequences since we lost 3 of our teammates. I was so focused on changing the formations, I did not pay attention to what was happening in geography and I missed the whole lesson. When walking to third period the last class of the day, I saw Carrie across the campus. It just so happened that when I looked at her, she was walking upstairs, then all of a sudden bam! She tripped walking up the stairs and did not get up for a while. I was a little concerned when I saw the school nurse running towards her with the first aid kit.
“Carrie broke her nose and it is 3 hours before the most important cheer competition of the year!” Dez said screaming down the hallways of school.
In one day, we lost 3 people doing an extreme stunt, and our captain because she tripped walking up the stairs. That leaves our team with 3 people to compete with, oh boy!
Three hours pass by like there is no tomorrow and it is our time to compete. Dez, Beth and I remade our whole routine with in the limited amount of time we had. Even though they were not able to compete, Fern, Andie and Jenna came by to support us. Even our captain Carrie came after refusing not to come because she would look like Squidward with her nose all wrapped up.
When me, Dez, and Beth performed at the competition, we cheered to the crowd.
“We are, the fat cows and we’re here to win.”
Although the other four girls did not compete, they sat in front of us helping us increase our volume. The whole competition went by and soon was the awards.
“In last place, with 2.9 out of 200 points,” there was a long pause; “the Green Meadow Cows!” screamed the announcer.
We all jumped for joy except for the two concussion girls.
“Hey! We did worse than I expected! We got last place instead of second to the last! I am so proud of you girls! Congratulations!” Said our team captain Carrie proclaiming how proud she was of us.
All of our team was hungry so we went down to Peaches Pepperoni Pizza Palace to eat dinner and celebrate. Seven cheerleaders ordered four bacon cheese pizzas, 10 breadsticks and root beer floats.
The waitress asked in confusion, “Oh are there more people coming?”
And we all answered in unison, “No. Just us.” The waitress was stunned at how much 7 cheerleaders could eat. But believe me, we can eat a whole lot.
After all the tragic events that happened over the past few days, our cheerleading team has managed to hold ourselves together and support each other when we need friends the most. And although all these terrible things happened to us, we learned that Jenna is an out of control top girl who knocks people out when coming down from the air. We also learned that Carrie is the total queen of uncoordinated people. This was how our week of our first major cheerleading competition of the year. We will practice longer and hopefully our next competition we might have a chance at getting second to the last place.