Naval Criminal Investigative Service Satire by Lynse C.

Naval Criminal Investigative Service Satire

NCIS Team:

Boss: Leroy Jethro Tibbs: (L.J. Tibbs, Tibbs, Boss)

Special Agent: Lisa David

Special Agent: Tommy DiNozzo: (Dinozzo, Very Special Agent Tommy Dinozzo)

Special Agent: Timothy McGregor: (McGregor, Probie)

Medical Examiner: Dr. Mallard: (Ducky, Duck)

Assistant to Medical Examiner: Jimmy Palmer: (Palmer, Mr. Palmer)

Forensic Scientist: Abby Sciuto: (Abbs)



Scene 1: NCIS Headquarters, Virginia, December 14, 2008

Elevator opens as Special Agent Tommy walks in to the NCIS squad room. Agents Lisa and McGregor are already seated at their desks.

Agent Tommy: Good morning Lisa, McGregor

Agent Lisa: Aren’t you in a good mood, Tommy.

Agent McGregor: I suppose your date must have gone well...

Agent Tommy: Why yes it did. I pleased her with my ability to please.

Head/Boss Agent L.J. Tibbs swiftly walks down the main staircase and approaches the threesome.

L.J. Tibbs: (Walks in front of Tommy’s desk and makes eye contact with him) I hope I’ll be pleased too DiNozzo (reference to Agent Tommy).

Agent Tommy: I will do my best boss.

L.J. Tibbs: Gear up, dead commander.

(Lisa, Tommy, and McGregor grab their gun, badge, and backpack and hurriedly follow after Tibbs into the elevator.)



Scene 2: In the elevator: Tibbs, Lisa, Tommy, McGregor

Agent Lisa: I’m driving

Agent Tommy: (Immediately says) I call shotgun. Enjoy the backseat probie (reference to agent McGregor).

Agent McGregor: (rolls his eyes)



Scene 3: Gulliver Road (Crime Scene)

A dented’64 Triumph is on the right side of the road. Dead male body inside the driver’s seat. Agents Lisa, Tommy, McGregor get out of car slightly after L.J. Tibbs climbs out of his car. All four are waiting for the Medical Examiner Dr. Mallard, often referred to as “Ducky” or “Duck” and his assistant, Jimmy Palmer.

Agent Tibbs: Where’s Ducky?

Agent Lisa: I suppose Palmer is driving.

Ducky and Palmer arrive in the Medical Examiner truck.

Ducky: (Annoyed Ducky climbs out of Passenger seat). Sorry Jethro, (reference to Leroy Jethro Tibbs) Mr. Palmer got us lost…again.

Palmer: (Tibbs glares at Palmer and Palmer stutters.) S..S..Sorry…my navigating abilities are not that great.

Lisa and Tommy get evidence equipment out of the back of the Medical Examiner Truck. Lisa and Tommy Take pictures of the car, body, setting at the crime scene, and evidence found. Agent McGregor scans the victim’s fingerprint on an Advanced Handheld Fingerprint Device and Personal Information System (AHFDPIS)

McGregor: Okay, I ran his print through AHFDPIS and he is Combat Veteran Lieutenant Commander Darby Garson. He was on his way to work this morning and he works as a Prosthetics buyer for the Navy. I also found a prosthetic arm in the trunk of the car.

Tibbs: Call Ducky over to take a look at it. Good work McGregor.

(Lisa is analyzing the crime scene with Tommy)

Lisa: I don’t understand, even though it snowed last night, the road is not so bad, but there are no skid marks. I wonder why he didn’t use his brakes.

Tommy: We’ll have Abby check them for tampering.

Lisa: (Hunched over on the side of the road, next to the vehicle. Tibbs walks over) Take a look at this Tibbs, a fresh pair of footprints in the snow.

Tibbs: Take a picture of it with the Instant Imprint Camera, so we can get it back to the lab to be analyzed. (Lisa takes pictures with the Instant Imprint Camera). T.O.D. [Time of Death] Duck?

Ducky: About 3-5 hours

McGregor: Tibbs, I found Garson’s cell phone beneath his car seat. His last call was at 10:04:26 P.M. His last phone call was with an Ashley Winter. (Tibbs impatiently stares at McGregor.) Okay, right, I’m on it boss.

Body is loaded into the back of the M.E. Truck and the car is towed back to the NCIS garage.



Scene 4: Abby’s Lab

Abby has her loud upbeat music blasting form her speakers as Tibbs and McGregor enter her lab.

Tibbs: Abbs! Turn it down!

Abby: (Abby is hyper because she drank a lot of Paf- Cow and talking fast. She immediately runs up to him to give him a hug and turns off her music.) Sorry Tibbs, I think I had too much Paf-Cow. Who knew it had so much caffeine? I mean seriously, there should be a warning or something. Like maybe on the side of the cup, but no one reads a cup… so they should put a warning on the machine to tell the people that 12 refills are too much. (Slurps Paf-Cow drink) Do you want some Tibbs?

Tibbs: No thanks, whaddya got?

Abby: Oh right, the case. Well, the foot imprint that Lisa found in the snow is an Oxford, size 10 men’s shoe. I ran the license plate and registration and the old Triumph and it does not belong to Garson. It is actually owned by a Lars Hauer. I ran a check and it appears that at one time, Lars Hauer and Garson were in a business together.

Tibbs: (Tibbs hands Abby another Paf-Cow drink) Great work Abbs.

Abby: Thank you Tibbs! Bye McGregor!

McGregor: (Tibbs and McGregor walk out of the lab) Wow, I haven’t seen Abby that hyper since last Christmas, when Santa Claus was interrogated and she ran up to ask him if she was on his “nice list.”



Scene 5: Autopsy

Tibbs walks into Autopsy as Ducky and Palmer are conducting autopsy on Garson.

Ducky: Hello Jethro (reference to Tibbs). I have found something quite amusing here.

The prosthetic arm that was found in the trunk of the car does not seem to fit Garson. (Ducky tries to match up the prosthetic arm to Garson’s body, but it does not fit right). I suggest you talk to his physical therapist. His name is Ricky Roma.

Tibbs: Is that all?

Palmer: We also discovered that Garson died from a massive brain hemorrhage.

Tibbs: Thanks for the update.

Ducky: No problem Jethro.



Scene 6: DELFOR offices (DELFOR is a prosthetic limb manufacturer.)

Ricky Roma is arguing with a man in a wheelchair. The argument ends abruptly as the disabled man hurriedly leaves Tibbs walks in to the office.

Tibbs: NCIS, (shows Roma his badge) dory if I’m interrupting.

Roma: No, no, that was just a disgruntled ex-client. Why, what can I do for you?

Tibbs: His name? (referring to the man in the wheel chair that left)

Roma: Who, you mean Ballentine? What is this all about?

Tibbs: Tell me about Ballentine.

Roma: Oh, Ballentine is just one of those guys who is never satisfied and likes to complain a lot. It’s really not a big deal. Will you please tell me why you are here?

Tibbs: Do you know a Lt. Commander Garson?

Roma: Yes, he’s another ex-client.

Tibbs: Did you know he died in a car crash this morning? (Roma sits down in his chair) We found his prosthetic arm in the trunk of his car. (Tibbs shows the prosthetic arm to Roma) Is it one of yours? (Roma stares and does not respond.)

Roma: (He finally takes the prosthetic arm and inspects it. He suddenly looks relieved). This is indeed one of our DELFOR’s but it’s not Garson’s. Too small. Besides, Garson stopped wearing DELFOR’s.

Tibbs: Why’d he stop?

Roma: Not sure. We were trying to convince Garson to switch from BioDage to DELFOR. He is in charge of procuring new prosthetics for the Navy. He tried out our arm for a while, but then seemed to lose interest with no explanation.

Tibbs: Thank you for your help. (Tibbs starts to leave)

Roma: Mm hmm.



Scene 7: Supercuts Hair Salon

Lisa, Tommy, and Tibbs approach Ballentine while he cutting a woman’s hair.

Tibbs: Looks like you are recovering well, soldier.

Ballentine: I guess so, for a guy with no legs.

Tibbs: (He shows Ballentine his badge and flashes a sympathetic smile) Do you mind if we ask about your argument with Roma in his office?

Ballentine: (Still cutting the woman’s hair) All I wanted was some kind of compensation for being a failed guinea pig for DELFOR.

Lisa: Why, what happened?

Ballentine: Their skimpy copper fittings gave out. I fell really hard (sharply cuts the woman’s bangs), causing a fracture in my other leg so bad that it too, had to be amputated. I really like my new job here. We give quality haircuts here. Have gained some sense of pride that DELFOR stole from me.

Tommy: Thank you for your help.

Ballentne: No problem. (Tibbs, Lisa, and Tommy head back to NCIS Headquarters.)



Scene 8: Ashley Winter’s house

McGregor and Winter are sitting on the couch drinking egg nog.

McGregor: Thank you for this delicious egg nog.

Winter: (Tearfully sobbing) You’re welcome. It’s a recipe passed down from my great grandmother. It is my fault that Garson is dead.

McGregor: Well, at least he died instantly. It wasn’t a long painful death at least.

Winter: (Sobbing even more) That’s not really helping Mr. McGregor.

McGregor: Oh..sorry…ehhh…

Winter: The last thing I said to him was, ‘I hate you.’ Then I heard a loud noise and his phone went dead. This is all my fault!

McGregor: (Gently asks) May I ask what the argument was about?

Winter: (Looks at him hesitantly with red teary eyes) Garson and I had an affair during my junior year in high school. My son will turn 7 next month, and he’s never met his father. (Sobbs louder) Garson insisted that he was not his child, but I know he is. My son’s forehead and nose are exactly like his! All I ever wanted was a little child support, but when I threatened to go to Garson’s superiors, he…he beat me. I honestly don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have Johnny’s shoulder to cry on.

McGregor: Who?

Winter: Johnny Ballentine. We met at a Supercuts in Norfolk. He’s a guy in a wheelchair that cuts my hair. We became instant friends after I happened to mention Garson’s name. Johnny had his own problems with Garson. He even blames Garson for the loss of one of his legs. Johnny truly cares, especially after I told him about the beatings. (McGregor’s eyes widen)

McGregor: Thank you for your assistance. You have been a really big help.

McGregor quickly drives to NCIS Headquarters.



Scene 9: NCIS Headquarters.

Lisa, Tibbs, and Tommy are sitting at their desks as McGregor walks in.

McGregor: Guys, I spoke to Ashley Winter and she said that she knew Johnny. (Tibb’s phone rings and he picks up)

Tibbs: Abby said that Garson’s brake lines were eaten up by Nitric Acid. To make Nitric Acid, you can use Hydrochloric acid, Nitric salt, and copper fittings.

Tommy: Copper fittings from a broken prosthetic leg!

Lisa: So it was Ballentine! He wanted us to think that it was the car crash that killed Garson.

Tibbs, McGregor, Tommy, and Lisa rush to Supercuts.



Scene 10: Supercuts

Ballentine is in his wheelchair heading towards the Handicap Bus in the parking lot.

McGregor: There he is! (Points to Ballentine quickly rolling his wheelchair. The NCIS team run after him)

Tibbs: NCIS, stop rolling Ballentine! (Ballentine keeps rolling but his left wheel chair wheel gets caught in a pothole)

Lisa: You are under arrest for the murder of Darby Garson.

Ballentine: Awww…I was so close to rolling away.

Ballentine was eventually prosecuted on first degree murder charges.