Franz Kafka's The Metamorphosis: Background Research Findings

Research one of the following, write a summary of your findings, and post your findings here.
o Existentialism
o Surrealism
o Franz Kafka
o Racism against Jews in Europe during the late 19th-c./early 20th-c.

If you are unable to post for whatever reason, please bring a hard copy to class next time.

Horror Story Satire by Jasmine Q.

Horror Story Satire



Greg and his wife, Stephanie, moved to Wyoming and are looking for a house to live in after escaping the great acne epidemic in Colorado. They find a real estate agent and ask him for the cheapest house they can stay in before going back home



Agent: (in a raspy voice) Welcome, summoned ones. May I interest you in an oversized and expensive dwelling place?

Stephanie: Oh my. What an odd fellow.

Greg: Hello, my good man. My family and I will be living in this state for only a short while, so we wish to see the cheapest house you have to offer.

Agent: … Crazy knuckleheads. I’ll see what I can do for you

Greg: Thank you?

Agent: Ahh, here we go. This one is $1.35 per night. I’ll get you the address.

Stephanie: That’s amazingly cheap! What’s wrong with it?!

Agent: Absolutely nothing! However, people don’t want to buy it when I tell them it was built over a cemetery whish was use to bury the deceased prisoners, which was built on top of a mental asylum, which was built on the ancient torture chambers of the ancient peoples.

Greg: Why would we buy the house now that you told us that?

Agent: Because It has a coffee shop across the street?

Stephanie: Let’s go!



Greg and Stephanie drive to the house’s address when a thunderstorm begins.



Greg: Just our luck, Steph. We ran out of gas. At least we reached the house. What’s that vulture doing circling the house? It could get electrocuted in the storm.

Stephanie: Can we go to the coffee shop now?

Greg: It’s almost 10:00 at night. You won’t be able to fall asleep if you have caffeine.

Stephanie: Then why don’t we just talk with the waiter for a while?

Greg: Alright, but only for a while. We have to start unpacking soon



The couple walks into the coffee shop and sees a single waiter cleaning the counter.



Stephanie: Hello! Can I have a mocha cappuccino?

Waiter: Sorry lady. We’re closing. What are you two doing out here in the middle of Wyoming on a stormy night anyway?

Greg: We have come from afar to find a temporary home, and the house just across the street will suit us until we may return to Colorado.

Waiter: You picked the wrong place, sonny. That there house is haunted by a terrible monster. It has four long gangly limbs, a body that is 6 feet tall, a jet black mustache, and comes out only at night. It has the strength to lift a small child, the speed of a fat elephant, and feeds on wild animals.

Greg: Ha! What a far-fetched story. There are no wild elephants in North America! Come dear, and we will leave this crazy bitter man with his silly stories.

Waiter: Please come again.



The couple walks into the house and they begin to settle down.



Stephanie: They should take better care of this house. There are cobwebs and dirt everywhere, and I feel a draft.

Greg: There’s no electricity either.

Stephanie: I think this is the Adams family’s residence.

Greg: Oh, look dear. This must be the bedroom.

Stephanie: I don’t think beds are made of spikes and leather straps. This next room must be the bedroom.

Greg: Darn this storm. The roof is leaking.

Stephanie: Just use a bucket to catch the water



Greg and Stephanie wash up and get into bed.



Stephanie: Greg, what was that? I heard a thump.

Greg: It’s probably just the storm. The wind could have pushed a branch against the window.

Stephanie: Now I hear footsteps. There are footsteps, Greg!

Greg: Maybe the vulture is walking around on our roof.

Stephanie: Shhh. Do you hear that? It sounds like an old man moaning in pain!

Greg: …. That is a very sick vulture.

Stephanie: I can’t sleep! What if it is that horrible monster that the waiter told us about? He said it has the strength to lift a fat elephant, the speed of a wild animal, and eats small children with mustaches.

Greg: I don’t think that was quite what he said. Besides, there are no such things as North American elephants. I’ll search around the house with you to prove that there are no monsters



The couple gets out of bed and they proceed down the hallway.



Greg: See? Nothing is here. Now let’s check behind this door.

Stephanie: Don’t open the door.

Greg: Why not?

Stephanie: You’re not supposed to open the door.

Greg: Oh, for heaven’s sake! I’m opening the door! (Greg slowly reaches for the door and opens it)

Stephanie: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Greg: Calm down, Steph! It’s just a goat.

Stephanie: Oh. Alright, I guess there was nothing to be afrai …. Did you hear that?

Greg: What now?

Stephanie: I hear a scratching noise coming from the other door.

Greg: You mean this one? (Greg opens the second door, and a 6 foot tall smelly monster with a long stick steps out)

Monster: Howzit?

Goat: BAAAAAAA!

Greg: Run away!!!

Stephanie: AHHHH!



Greg, Stephanie, and the goat run away as fast as they can as the monster slowly limps after them.



Greg: Stephanie! If we die, we will die together! That monster may rip off our faces, but it cannot tear apart our love.

Stephanie: Get a hold of yourself Greg! We can beat this horrible mustache monster! All we have to do is pour water on it!

Greg: What kind of logic is that?

Stephanie: Mustaches don’t like to get wet, and it works in all of the movies.

Greg: All of the movies? Really?

Stephanie: Yes! Remember the leaky roof? I’ll bet that the bucket caught enough water to wash the monster out of existence!

Goat: Baaaaa.

Greg: Whatever. Maybe the water will surprise it long enough for us to get to the exit.



The couple grabs the bucket of water and they wait for the monster in the hall.



Monster: Euhghhhaahhh! (walks slowly toward the couple)

Greg; Here it comes.

Stephanie: Ahhhhhh!

Monster: Heyuuuuhhh!

Greg: It’s still coming

Monster: Ihavaheerughnh!

Greg: Getting closer

Stephanie: Just pour the water!



Greg pours the water on the monster.



Monster: Yowww!

Stephanie: You did it! We killed it!

Greg: Wait a minute. This isn’t a monster. See the dirt washing away? It’s old man Jenkins!

Jenkins: Thank you, my boy. I was parched. That water is very refreshing.

Stephanie: I guess that explains the moaning, but why are you so dirty?

Jenkins: I tripped over a lawn sprinkler in the mud outside, so I came into this house. When I realized that It is illegal to enter a house without permission, I tried to hide. Then, I realized that I should just ask you for a towel, but you screamed and ran away.

Greg: Why were you walking in so slowly and creepily toward us?

Jenkins: I’m called old man for a reason. That’s why I normally walk with my cane.

Stephanie: What are you even doing here in the middle of Wyoming old man Jenkins?

Jenkins: I’m looking for my goat. Now that I found it, I will leave. Good luck you two, and merry Christmas! (Old man Jenkins rides away on his goat)

Greg: That was strange. I have one more unanswered question though. Where did that monster story come from anyway?

Waiter: I made it up to scare people!

Stephanie: Ahh! Where did you come from?

Waiter: I walk to work every morning. I heard you yahoos talking about me so I came over.

Greg: Making up stories is bad for business, you know?

Waiter: Need some gas?

Greg: Umm, yes. Actually, I do. Let’s leave, Steph. Wyoming is too much for me to handle. I’d rather be a part of the acne epidemic.



Greg fills his car with gas and the couple rides away into the sunset.

The end.

Satire by Brigid N.

Phil Copeland stared into the dirty water of his sink, watching chunks of soggy food bob and float around before switching on the garbage disposal and turning away. The chores were finally done. Now he could watch TV and collapse into a sleep-deprived stupor in peace.
A reality show was playing. Spray-tanned chicks were prancing around in nightclubs, vomiting into their cocktail glasses. Yes, this would do. Phil watched until his eyes glazed over and the television became a blur, an ever-moving display of lights and whispers. He blinked, and then it was morning.
Sunday morning, which meant it was time to scrub the stain out of his blazer and go to church. Phil rolled off of the couch, reveling in the stretch of his aching back. He shaved sloppily and grabbed a sponge. A bit of soap and a few minutes of elbow grease later, the spot on his blazer had been replaced by a threadbare wasteland of faded fabric. Close enough.
Breakfast consisted of a cup of non-dairy creamer with a splash of coffee in it. After that, he shuffled into his second-hand Toyota and rolled past the local homeless shelter to the glossy marble church on the other end of town. It was packed with disgruntled old men and housewives like red bowling balls, but he managed to find a seat.
The pastor began reading from his lectern, his ample stomach jiggling through his robes at every word he enunciated. After a few passages on the fires of hell, he spoke with his own words. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate as people in the Body of Christ. Remember this, and you'll get to the pearly gates in the sky. If you don't, or if you turn gay or something, Jesus will send your spirit into the ground to burn for eternity. He loves you that much." People sat rapt, murmuring prayers or Amens every once in a while. The pastor cleared his throat and continued. "Remember, God blesses us all. Be thankful for what he does for you, his children. That coffee you drank this morning? That was God coffee. God did it. That stubbed toe you got when you walked downstairs to the kitchen? That was Go- no, that was all because of your total free will. However, the pain and suffering that some of us endure can all be solved through prayer. Pray enough, and God will either fix everything for you or not do anything to teach you a lesson about those less fortunate or starving kids in Africa or something..." He trailed off, his brow furrowing. "Either way, God helps. And how do we know?" He paused for a few seconds with a self-indulgent grin on his face. "The Bible says so. It was written a long time ago by people that were very devout and intelligent. We know they were because they wrote that in the Bible." He smiled and drank in the church's applause. "Now, where was I? Oh, yes, abortions cause hurricanes. Anyway, turn your prayer books to..."
<~(o)~>
Phil hurriedly stepped into his car, peeled off his blazer and button-down shirt, and changed into his work clothes. His shift at Burger Buddies started in 10 minutes. He drove out of the parking lot, his T-shirt still lopsidedly hanging off of his face, and headed for the freeway.
He arrived at Burger Buddies with 54 seconds to spare and pulled his shirt on all the way before clocking in. It was time for 8 hours of sweaty, greasy hell. He stepped behind the counter, wiped down the counter top and then his face with a paper towel, and flipped over a paper sign to open his cash register to the hungry populace. Work had begun.
"Okay, sweethaht, this is a long one. Two Beta Burgers with extra cheese, one Baby Burger with no mayo, One FryBurg with extra cheese AND no mayo..." a lady drawled in his general direction as three or four little kids pulled at her sleeves. "...and remember, that's a SMALL chocolate shake and a MEDIUM coffee." She finished and handed him a credit card as he scrawled down her order and handed it to Teresa, the fry chick. Goodness knew where it went from there. He put on his plasticy work-smile and turned to face the next customer. Some "plan" God had for him. He'd been the first person in his family to go to college, and now he was making half as much as his parents at a trashy fast-food place. For Chrissake, he was a BA! The world worked in cruel ways. He'd gone to college, been rejected from teaching and management positions due to lack of experience, and ended up working the cash register at his local burger joint. It was a life devoid of any divine intervention at all. Buy hey, he thought, at least he wasn't one of those starving kids in Africa. God must really hate them!
<~(o)~>
After work, Phil sat in his apartment and ate from an old box of Cheetos. His cell phone rang. He draped a towel over his greasy hand and reached for it. Crap. It was his mother. He reluctantly pressed 'Talk' and flopped back onto the couch with the phone cradled between his ear and his neck. With an 'ahem' and a burst of static, his mom checked up on her eldest son.
"Sweetheart! How goes it?"
He winced at the syrupy nickname. "I'm... fine. How's it going with you?"
"Oh I am just great. Your father and I are leading a youth retreat next weekend, so we're preparing for that."
Phil knew the drill. She wanted him to ask her about the retreat. The woman lived for the opportunity to let everyone know what a pious citizen she was. "Oh. And what're you guys doing for this retreat?
"Oh, it's going to be all about worship, love and defending our faith from the commu-fascist evil liberal agenda." She tittered. "The kids are going to have so much fun arguing against the separation of church and state and doing vocal exercises to shout down anyone who dares to question God."
He put on his fake smile and hoped she could see it through the phone. "That sounds great, Mom."
"It sure does! Bye bye honey." She hung up, leaving Phil wondering if she had called for any reason other than to talk about herself.
He shrugged and resumed staring out the window. The homeless shelter across the street was busy as usual. Kids in shapeless T-shirts played with grimy toys as their mothers leaned against the wall and smoked. It was a section of the block that no real color or emotion permeated. Just a grayish little section of land, a cauldron of yearning and numb sadness. What did these people have to be grateful for? Who did they compare themselves to to convince themselves that they were blessed? How many members of the elite stepped into their glossy cars and left these people in the dust on their way to Church to learn how to be more like Jesus? But who was he to question his faith? It was something you just accepted , because if you started to question it, it would become less credible and maybe you'd stop believing. Then you'd think that maybe there was no giant, invisible, all-seeing force that ruled over the universe and hated gay people. To even begin to think that was terrible. He might be sent underground and burned for eternity after death. Phil shivered and turned on the TV to numb his overactive mind.
<~(o)~>
A week passed uneventfully. Time slowed down in favor of an endless cycle of work, food-esque items, and sleep. When the weekend rolled around again, the one thing that Phil dreaded, oddly enough, was going to Church. It was though he had seen it do something dirty and now he couldn't look it in the eye. Usually, it was the other way around. But obligations were obligations. He pulled on his ratty blazer and drove to the same shiny church he'd been attending for the entire 23 years of his life. This time, however, it felt... different. The halls didn't shine with the same luster they used to. The sense of anticipation before the mass itself wasn't quite so tangible.
The priest stood at his lectern as always, his robes flowing around his ample figure. The crowd sat rapt as usual. Phil, however, had changed. He felt an odd sense of detachment, as though he were some greater being peering at the mass through a lens. An unpleasant image was fighting its way into his mind: that of a cult, in which robed figures whispered dark incantations to deities of smoke and mirrors, bolstered by the wide-eyed and desperate. The image closed in, shadowy and foreboding, as the oxygen seemed to disappear from the air he was breathing. He felt as though he were being drawn into some dark, arcane abyss. The pew in front of him seemed to swim before his eyes.
Phil couldn't take it anymore. He stood up and walked away. The hallway in front of him became asphalt and then a yellowish field as he strode faster and faster before finally breaking into a run. He sprinted, not feeling the ground underneath him, until his legs gave out and he collapsed. For a while, the world consisted of just him and a little blade of grass, buffeted by the wind. But he knew he had to face reality at one time or another. He was lying in a field playing with a bit of grass and sobbing like an idiot. His car was still in the church parking lot. He had work today. His mother was going to call him this afternoon.
Finally, he stood up, wiped his face, and turned to face the rest of his life. The church looked to be about a quarter-mile away. There was an apartment building directly to his left, which meant that his nihilistic little spectacle had been seen by a couple hundred people. Phil shook his head, laughed mirthlessly, and started back towards the parking lot.
Work. The ultimate in monotony. It numbed the restless mind and cooled the fluctuating mood. After 8 hours of soul-crushing cashiering, he almost felt like himself again. Almost. Phil's work-numbness was replaced by unfiltered dread the instant he unlocked the door to his apartment. His mom was going to be calling sometime during the next hour. He treated his phone like an explosive, setting it on the kitchen table and darting away.
When it finally rang, Phil took a deep breath. One word replies, he reminded himself. Poker voice. Everything is fine. He pressed the 'Talk' button with the sentiment of a samurai on a suicide mission.
"Afternoon, sweetie!" His mother chirped with her usual pep.
"Hey... hi mom."
"So, I'm sure you're just DYING to hear about the retreat."
"Of course I am! How was it?" He winced and prepared himself for her gushy reply.
"Oh, it was just wonderful! All of the kids had a very good time cleansing themselves of demons and learning to trust God more completely. One of them, Sarah, told us that she was a lesbian, so we all very much enjoyed telling her how disgusting and inhuman she was. And it was just wonderful to look up at the stars! A little boy tried to tell us how they had been created over billions of years by the gravitational pull of superheated gases, so we punished him with the 'prayer rod' for his blasphemous theories. It was amazing! You know, you should help out at one of these retreats sometime. We could use some more volunteers."
"Er... no thanks, Mom."
"Oh? And why not?" The touch of venom in her voice was unmistakable.
"Well... um... strictly speaking, I'm not really into that sort of thing anymore, you know..."
"'Anymore?' What on EARTH are you talking about?"
He was fed up with her and her control over what he felt and thought. "It means this, mom. I'm fed up with your arcane, baseless beliefs and ancient prejudices. I'm done with worshipping the empty air. I'm not going to stand for-"
She cut him off. "You are no son of mine, you Satanist. There will be no more calls. There will be no more money now or in the future. Enjoy your pitiful life, you disgusting worm." The dial tone rang in his ear. She had hung up. He lay on the couch, feeling like a blimp whose last connection to earth had just been cut.
<~(o)~>
Weeks passed. Notices piled up. Bills went unpaid and Phil worked overtime in vain. It was only a matter of time before he could hold on no longer. Finally, the day of reckoning came. He was drowning in debt and a nice young couple needed an apartment. Numb, he stepped out of that shrine to IKEA furniture for the last time.
For a while, Phil just slept in his car. He still had enough funds from his job at Burger Buddies to keep himself fed. But when he was fired from his job due to 'poor work performance' and two men shoved a letter from his mother in his face and took away the Toyota, he found himself with nowhere to turn. That homeless shelter he had gazed at for so many weeks seemed very much real. Its gray numbness threatened to overwhelm him.
Days and nights seemed to blend. The world had lost its color. He had lost his purpose. He had lost the only support that had kept him off of the streets. If only he'd majored in Politics, Phil often thought wryly. He'd be better able to communicate with his fellow humans, the ones he was stuck on this mossy rock of a planet with. But hey, maybe the religious people had it figured out. You could explain everything with a god. You could quench your fear of mortality with a god. You could stay shallow and happy by making up a deity and worshipping it. With vague words and rituals, one could shut out the harshness of the universe and feel warm and fuzzy inside. You could shape the face of the earth and control an entire populace with groundless belief. Faith was where people turned when they felt worthless. Faith was a place to shut down the rational mind and suspend common sense for the sake of spreading magic water on your face and murmuring assurances to an invisible man in the sky that an old guy with a robe told you was there. It was all so stupid, and that was what kept people happy. Mindlessness was a drug, an opiate for the populace. Phil sighed and chuckled mirthlessly. He thought too much to be happy. He was useless, a burden on a society that just wanted to believe in something that wasn't there.
After a few days of cynical observation and bitter thoughts, Phil decided it was time to leave the earth to itself. It was unknowing and it liked it that way. He found a bit of rope in a dumpster, then trudged down to the lake near his former apartment building. The water was green and wriggling with slimy life forms. He tied a sloppy knot and pinned his arms behind his back, then lied down on the rocky shore and plunged his torso into the murky water. His last thoughts were of murky water as he succumbed to the black abyss.

Barry Hotter and the Unicorn Hallows by Jaylla P.

Barry Hotter and the Unicorn Hallows



There once lived a boy named Barry Hotter. He was destined to be the most powerful wizard in the world, but he wasn’t aware that he obtained any type of power at all. He lived with his aunt Vick and uncle Rick, in a nice house in Britain. Unfortunately, Barry’s aunt and uncle didn’t treat him like a relative, but as if he were a slave. Barry was very obedient. He followed every demand that he was told to perform from his caretakers, but they never appreciated Barry. Barry also has a cousin that lives with him and his aunt and uncle, named Louis. Louis is an extremely spoiled troublemaker. He intrudes on and irritates Barry when he’s sleeping or doing something important. The only place that Barry can be alone is in his room, a cupboard underneath the stairs. But even there, Louis makes trouble to him. Barry just wants to be saved from the daily chaos he’s put through.

“Ding dong!” “Barry! Get the mail!” exclaimed Uncle Rick. Barry quietly traveled from his closet of a room, to the front door, picked up the mail, and brought it to Uncle Rick. Barry saw that he received a letter. Uncle thought it was a mistake and he threw it away because Barry hasn’t received a letter in many years. He turned around, and there it was again, on the kitchen table. “Barry!” he said. “What is this non-sense? Stop it this instance!” Barry was confused and softly said “But I’m not doing anything, uncle.” Rick slowly turned his head looking at Barry with a stern look and a red fiery face. “Do not talk back to me! Who do you think you are, boy? You live under my house, so you follow my rules! Cut it out!” Uncle Rick grabbed the letter, viciously ripped it in half and threw it away. He continued looking through the mail and he found the letter in his hands, once again. He looked at the letter addressed from “Frogspots School for Witches and Wizards” and said “HAH! What is this nonsense of a school? Why, witches and wizards don’t exist. Why would they send this to you, you’re practically non-existent!”

Barry felt hurt and snatched the letter out of his Uncle’s hands and ran to the cupboard he lives in. He locked the door and quickly opened the letter. “Hello, Mr. Hotter. You have been chosen to be one of the first students to attend Frogspots School for Witches and Wizards.” Barry read this and he felt accepted, for once in his life. As the banging and yelling from the other side of his door started to stop, he packed his clothes in a suitcase and ran towards the door. He opened the front door and ran through. But he wasn’t in his uncle and aunt’s front yard, he was at Frogspots School for Witches and Wizards. He was so amazed, he was filled with amazement and excitement. Barry was speechless and he didn’t know what was happening. “Is this real? Am I dreaming? This can’t be happening.” Barry had so many thoughts racing through his mind.

“Watch out where you’re going, will you?” said John Weasels. Barry replied and said “oh, my bad. I was just so amazed… I… I’m sorry.” “Ah, you must be new here to Frogspots. Don’t worry about it, my name is John.” Barry shook his hand and gave a sweet smile. John showed him around Frogspots and told him dramatized stories about the magic battles and situations that has occurred in the past at Frogspots. “Legend has it, that if you go to the Unicorn Mountains and search for the Unicorn hallows, then the mighty Unimort will snatch your wand and drain you from your magical powers for all eternity. The worst part about it, he doesn’t even have a nose! That’s crazy! He wouldn’t even be able to smell the most delicious food in the world! I could never live a life like that!” Barry was interested in this myth, and responded and said “The Unicorn Hallows? What is that?” John stopped walking and with amazement, he said “You don’t know what the Unicorn Hallows is?!” Barry looked confused as he shook his head from side to side.

A little voice came out from behind John and said “The Unicorn Hallows? I know all about that! You see, the Unicorn Hallows consists of 3 objects. There’s a wand made out of a unicorn horn, a unicorn fur coat, and the stone of the unicorns. The want made out of unicorn horn has the most powerful magic in the wizard world, do you know how many rain forests you can clean with that amount of magic?! Oh! And the unicorn fur coat is supposed to let you shape shift into any form at any time. And lastly, the stone of the unicorns, I heard that’s very special. When you take custody of the stone, a unicorn comes down from the sky and it’s your life-long chariot. It sounds pretty magnificent if you ask me.” John looked at her and responded “Who are you? Do you even go here?” “I am Harmony Ranger, I have attended Frogspots for 10 years, John Weasels!” Harmony walks away and returns to her room.

“That journey to Unicorn Mountain sounds pretty adventurous” said Barry. John looked at him and said “Of course it’s adventurous! The rocky hills and steep and dark mountains make you feel like you’re living life on the edge! Don’t let the name Unicorn Mountains fool you, those mountains are nothing but fright-filled madness!” Barry left the room and headed towards the library to do research on the Unicorn Mountains. He knew this was the journey that he was destined to go on, and he was inspired by the heroes and the battles that John was telling him about. He was so interested in the Unicorn Mountains; he just wanted to feel like a hero for the first time in his life.

Barry marched up to his room and told John “I know what I’m destined for!” John was quietly blogging on a magical website and stared at Barry. “I’m destined to find the Unicorn Hallows and become a hero!” John looked at Barry with disbelief and went back to scrolling on his laptop and said, “How are you going to do that? You don’t even have a wand or any magical training.” Barry knew that John pointed out a good issue and he had to go buy a wand immediately. Barry went to the wand shop and bought a wand that was perfect for him. His wand was 5 inches and made out of red wood. He was so amazed with his wand, he was really excited to learn how to use it.

Barry returned to his room and told John “Okay! I got my wand! I’m ready!” John looked at him and responded, “You don’t even know how to use a wand!” Harmony Ranger popped out from behind Barry and said, “I can teach you that! And if you’re really planning on going to the Unicorn Hallows, you’ll need all the help you can get.” John looked at Harmony and said, “Where do you come from? You’re always popping up everywhere so randomly! You give me heart attacks!” Harmony ignored John and said “Barry, you should take classes from Professor Snake. He’s a really good teacher and his teaching is brilliant!” John laughed and said, “Professor Snake?! Are you serious? He’s a weirdo, he’s lost his mind!” Barry looked at Harmony and John and said, “I don’t think I have time to take classes! I need to get to the Unicorn Mountains and get the Unicorn Hallows before anyone else can! Can you guys just teach me some tips? Please?” John and Harmony gladly accepted and they were off on their journey to the Unicorn Mountains!

Over the rocky hills and the rigid mountains, they traveled in search of the Unicorn Hallows. Barry learned how to use his wand, and he was getting extremely good at learning spells and performing them. He was getting better than Harmony and John. Throughout their journey, the 3 of them learned new things and they became better wizards. They went through the Bunny Forest, the Jungle of Cries, the Cross Crow Hills, and finally, they reached the Unicorn Mountains.

Barry, Harmony, and John went up to the very top of the mountain because that’s where the Unicorn Hallows is located. Half way up there, they came across the dark lord, Unimort. Unimort said “You there, you are Barry Hotter.” Barry was surprised he knew him and he responded “Yes, and who are you?” Lord Unimort said “I am the Dark Lord, Lord Unimort. I am undefeatable and I am the protector of the Unicorn Hallows.” Barry was intimidated by his scary looks. Unimort was pale as snow, he had big eyes that bulge out of his eye sockets, and he had no nose. Barry said “Well then, I battle you for the Unicorn Hallows!” Unimort gave an evil smile and took out his wand. He said a great spell and pointed his wand towards Barry. Barry quickly reacted and took out his wand and protected himself. He shot out magic through the tip of his wand and it hit Unimort. Unimort flew backwards and Barry quickly put a spell on him that put him to sleep for an eternity.

Barry, John, and Harmony ran up to the top of the mountain and found the Unicorn Hallows. John and Harmony were too scared to obtain it because they felt they weren’t ready for that much responsibility. Barry was brave and he took the Unicorn Hallows and obtained it. He took out the stone and he called on his unicorn chariot, which brought him and his friends back to Frogwarts. He returned to his dorm and everyone had heard about his victory against the mighty Lord Unimort. Everyone was congratulating him and calling him a hero. Barry loved this feeling and it was the first time he was feeling that type of emotion.

He bought the rest of his school supplies and he said, “This is going to be a great school year.” He placed the Unicorn Hallows on his desk and he went to unpack his stuff. His patron animal, which he bought for Wizardry 101 class, was a penguin. His penguin wobbled around his room and bumped into his desk. The Unicorn Hallows fell onto the ground and his penguin looked at it and ate it. Magical dust came out of his mouth as he burped after eating it. Barry didn’t know what to do. His penguin just ate the most powerful type of magic in the world! Barry let it go and said “Well, I guess it’s time for another adventure!”

The Selection by Melissa A.

The Selection



Preface: Nikita is a television show about a young woman who is blackmailed to become an assassin for Division, a secret branch of the government. All of Division’s assassins were handpicked and chosen from all around the world. Each individual chosen to be in Division is constrained to live a normal life and have significant relationships with the outside world. The main characters consist of Nikita, Percy, Alexandria, and Michael. This show consists of action, adventure, murderous killers, and a tremendous thrill. Each episode begins with Division doing a mission, while Nikita counter missions it.



Scene 1. The First Mission of Revenge



Esmeralda: (thinking to herself) After three years of planning, I am ready to plot my covert revenge against The Selection! A few days ago, Percy assigned me on a mission to destroy the house of Nicholas. Nicholas is the owner of a billion-dollar company, Zetrov. If my objective in this mission is to kill Nicholas, I think I can save Nicholas’ only daughter, Abigail and train her to become my alliance. Yes! This will work! You have thought of the greatest plan! With Abigail as my alliance, we can take down Selection, endure relationships with future lovers, and become unstoppable!



Narrator: Esmeralda goes on the mission and follows Percy’s instructions. As she goes through the house, she slaughters every living creature, except Abigail. After the killing streak of ten people, the guilt arose in her body. She fell to the floor and began to sob her heart out. From the back of her head, she begins to remember the plan with Abigail. Esmeralda searches the house and finds Abigail fast asleep in her bedroom. So, Esmeralda decides to throw Abigail on her shoulder and vivaciously walks to The Selection.



Scene 2. Back at Head Quarters



Percy: (furious) Why have you brought back Zetrov’s teenage daughter?! She is only a waste of space! Do you want me to kill both of you?!



Esmeralda: Sorry sir, but I brought her back because I believe she is worth a second life. I am willing to give up my personal time to train her of becoming a great assassin, like me! Abigail is only 13 years old, but once she is properly trained, she will be as powerful as you are!



Percy: (thinking) Since you are one of my top assassins, I will let you off with a warning… But, if anything goes wrong, I will kill both of you, in a blink of a second! Don’t you forget that, Esmeralda!



Esmeralda: But, please sir! I beg that you do not tell Abigail about who killed her parents. I will not be able to be a great teacher, if she knows what had just happened…



Scene 3. Three Years Later



Narrator: After three long years of physical and mental training, Abigail grew up to be one of the most deceiving and slyest assassin’ in Selection.



*Esmeralda and Abigail Training in the Fitness Room*



Abigail: Tell me again. Why do you hate The Selection so much?



Esmeralda: Hush! This is a secret between you and I. The Selection kills people, for it’s own purposes. It is the most selfish and meaningless agency that I have ever known. This agency creates merciless monsters and I hate myself because of it. The Selection killed your parents. Also, they killed all of my past lovers… But you don’t need to know about that. All you need to know is that the upcoming mission is our final mission of revenge!


Abigail: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. From the day you saved me, I remember that I swore that I am going to destroy Selection and everyone else who assassinated my mama and papa.



Esmeralda: (slightly shocked) Okay then. I need you to go out and bring me back these tools. (hands over a shopping list) We will need these tools to succeed in our mission. Listen carefully. Just walk through the front doors, in approximately five minutes. There will be a blue car waiting for you. Here are the keys. You will go to the destination and find a man called Trix, and he will help you find these items. To get all, this will take you a few days! Good luck! And do not worry. You will not get caught from Percy.



Abigail: (thinking to her self) Thank God! I can finally get out of Selection and see the real world! I felt so trapped and now I have the chance to feel freedom, for at least a few days. (walks through the front doors and drives off with the blue car)



Scene 4. Love’s Destination



Narrator: Abigail walks into the destination called Kala Moana Center. She has never seen such a huge mall in her life. She follows Esmeralda’s directions and goes towards the back of Kala Moana Center.


Abigail: Is there anyone here in the name of Trix?



Old lady: No, I’m sorry my dear. I have never heard of anyone of that name. You should look somewhere else.



Abigail: Well, thanks anyways.



Abigail walks towards the other corner and finds a small store.



Abigail: Good day, clerk Joe! Have you heard of anyone in the name of “Trix”?



Clerk Joe: No… But wow, you have the most beautiful eyes that I have ever seen. What is your name Ms. Pretty Lady?



Abigail: My name is Abigail and I am 16 years old. You shouldn’t have said that! (Blushes) You’re pretty cute yourself.

Joe: (significantly interested) My name is Joe, but you already know that. I feel like you have the beauty and the brains. Will it be okay, if you and I could take you out right now? My shift is over in about 5 minutes.



Abigail: Hmm. Well, you seem like a decent guy and a girl like me kind of needs a break from life. I guess, sure. Why not? (blushing again and feels the butterflies) I’ll be waiting outside. See you in 5 minutes!



Narrator: Abigail is unaware that Trix, a member of Selection, was watching and spying over Abigail the whole time. Trix is a killing machine. He was the man who killed all of Esmeralda’s past lovers. Trix does not tolerate with outside lovers.



Trix: (walks up to the clerk counter) I need help with reaching that bottle of champagne. It is pretty high and I am quite a short guy.



Joe: Sure thing! Dude, I definitely can help you.



Trix: (As Joe reaches for the bottle) I am sorry. But you brought this upon yourself. We can not have outside relationships.


*With a pocketknife, Trix murders Joe in an instant, soundless and like nothing ever happened.*



Trix walks out of the store, grabs Abigail, and drives off together in the blue car.



Abigail: (thinking) So, this is Trix. I wonder where Joe must’ve went? Maybe, he had another errand. Oh wells, back to the mission.



Narrator: Trix and Abigail travels on to gather all the necessities for the upcoming mission. Abigail continues to meet outsiders and have profound love for each and everyone of them. But, one after another, Trix continues to secretly slaughter the outsiders. Trix is highly irritable of Abigail and thinks about killing her because of her stupidity. But, he would not do such a thing, because Esmeralda will murder him, if he does.



Scene 5. The Final Mission



After two weeks of gathering the items, Alex and Trix returns to The Selection Head Quarters.



Esmeralda: Welcome back! Percy changed the date of the mission to tomorrow. Spend your time wisely today and rest.



Abigail: Okay, thank you. I will not let you down.



*Abigail is sleeping in a bed*

*Alarm clock rings*



Abigail: (wakes up) Finally, this is the day. It is all or nothing. Let’s do this!



Esmeralda: (goes into Abigail’s room) So, here is the plan. Everyone in Selection will be on a mission that is hosted in Russia, except us and a few other people. We will soundlessly walk out of the main entrance and bomb this entire place, including Percy! This will be as easy, as any other mission. Just please, be careful and make sure no one is able to see us walk through the doors.



Abigail: I heard that everyone in the Russian mission left 30 minutes ago. Also, the Head Quarters is more silent than usual. Listen. (sound of absolutely nothing) Let’s start on the mission now!



Narrator: Esmeralda puts the atomic bombs in all sections of the Head Quarters. No one noticed her existence and every one else acted normal. Things were easier than it seemed. Esmeralda and Abigail silently walk through the door.



Abigail: Isn’t it strange that the air seems too quiet and too normal?



Esmeralda: I know what you mean. I just can’t put my finger on it.



Abigail: Well, you should blow up this place, before it is too late! C’mon now, we are ahead of them! This is our chance!!



(slow motion) Esmeralda takes the atomic bomb control and then..



Abigail: LOOK BEHIND YOU!!!



Percy: What did I tell you, Esmeralda?! I told you that I would kill both of you, if you did anything behind my back! You are such a horrible fool! Before you die, I want Abigail to hear the truth.



Abigail: (thinking) What are you talking about?


Percy: The person who slaughtered every one of your family, including your grandparents, is standing right before your eyes. And it is not me. It is Esmeralda.



(Esmeralda looks down and becomes filled with guilt.)

Abigail: How could you, Esmeralda? You were like a mother to me, but you are actually a TRAITOR!



Percy: The way that I would solve this, Abigail, is to do what she has done to your whole family. Kill her. (hands Abigail a gun)



Esmeralda: No, Abigail. Please, think it through. I raised you to protect yourself and you have become the slyest and dedicated individual that I have ever met.



Abigail: (sobs quietly, thinking) I’m sorry… But, because of you, I transformed into who I am today…



Abigail grabs the gun, points the trigger at Esmeralda, and then, BOOM.

*Esmeralda dies. *

* Abigail continues to sob. *



* curtains close *



Narrator: The Selection is a covert agency filled with assassins and funded by the government. Nothing will ever bring The Selection down. Anything that will ever try to stand in The Selection’s way will be killed. So, beware.

Satire by Hulali A.

Our story starts off at the home of our main star. Billy Bob Jones is a 12- year old boy, who lives at home with his parents in the small but growing town of Sleepy Hollow, California. At school he is an underdog, merely to “cool” for the other kids. One day he decides to go on an “online meet-a-friend forum” so that he can meet some people who will be his friends.





“Hey mom, I’m going to meet some friends today!” Billy shouted out from his bedroom.

“You get ‘em hun!” excitedly replied his mom from the kitchen.

Billy closed his bedroom door and turned on his laptop. He logged onto his new favorite website, www.openandunsafebutfunforum.friends. Billy had been waiting to go on all day. In only 1 day, already 4 people had accepted his friend request. He was overjoyed, this was the most friends that he had since he could remember. Out of all the friends that he had on the site, one, with the username of cutiepiesweets101, began to start chatting with Billy. Their first conversation went like this:

Cutiepiesweet101: Hey there! What’s your name?



Mommaboy224: Hi! My name is Billy Bob Jones. I’m 12 years old and I go to Sleep Hollows Middle School. I live in Sleepy Hollows, California with my parents. Will you be my friend? :D



Cutiepiesweet101: Oh… um of course i’ll be your friend J So what’s your mom and dad’s name?....



Their conversation lasted for over 2 hours. Billy was so excited, after his new friend had left; he slammed down his laptop and ran downstairs. He found his parents in the living room.

“Mom, dad guess what, guess what!! I made my first friend today! His name is Andrew and he said that he really likes me!”

His mom and dad jumped up, they couldn’t hold back their excitement. Billy’s dad, Albert, gave Billy a big hug and whispered in his son’s ear: “That’s wonderful son! We’re so proud of you!”

“I’m going to make your favorite dinner tonight!” yelled his mother as she was running to the kitchen.

Billy was so excited. He ran upstairs to work on his homework while his mom was cooking dinner. After he was done with his homework, he opened his laptop and began to reread the conversation that he and his new friend had just had. He couldn’t stop smiling the whole night. He almost felt that he couldn’t wait tomorrow, that day just wasn’t coming soon enough! After dinner, Billy went to sleep. All night he dreamt about Andrew and how he would look like when he finally met him.

Andrew and Billy began to talk excessively over the next 3 weeks. Andrew continued to ask Billy very random, strange, and personal questions but Billy being a good friend answered every one of them. Finally one day, their conversation went like this:

Andrew: eh, Billy how about we do something tomorrow? I really want to meet you! You seem like a cool kid J



Billy: That sounds greaaaat! Where do you want to meet?



Andrew: How about in the alley next to your school? Do you mind coming alone?



Billy: Can’t wait! Of course I don’t mind.



Andrew: Awesome. Hey maybe we can go to your house after?



Billy: SURE! My parents will be so excited to meet you!



Andrew: oh okay…i’ll you tomorrow than. Bye Billy.



Billy: Bye best friend! :D



Billy was so excited to finally meet Andrew. The next day he got up extra early and cleaned his whole house. His parents were excited to met Andrew also. They couldn’t wait to meet Billy’s online friend. Billy’s mom was planning to make a huge feast of sweets for Billy and Andrew. After Billy had finished getting the house ready, he went upstairs and started getting himself ready. He took a shower, wore his Sunday best, and combed his hair back; he wanted to look as good as he could for his friend.

Billy left his house after saying good-bye to his parents. He started walking to the alley next to his school. As he got closer, he saw a figure looming in the shadow of the alley.

“Andrew!” Billed called out.

Billy ran to the alley. The figure started to slowly walk out to Billy. The man was 26 years old, dressed in dirty, old clothes, he had a scraggly beard, and he was staring at Billy with a creepy smile.

“Eh kid, are you Billy? I’m Andrew.”

“Yeah, I’m Billy! It’s so awesome to finally meet you. You’re so cool! You’re even older than me!”

“Wait… you’re not scared?”

“Of course not! Wanna come over to my house now?! My parents can’t wait to meet you! My mom even made you some cake to take home to your family!”

“Um… sure. But listen kid…”

Billy grabbed Andrew’s hand and ran back to his house. Yelling to the world that this was Andrew his best friend. When they finally got to Billy’s house, Billy swung the front door open and ushered his friend inside.

“Billy, do you think that it is really safe to let a stranger just come into your house?” asked Andrew as he was gasping for breath.

“You’re not a stranger silly! You’re my friend!”

Before Andrew had a chance to continue speaking, Billy’s mom, Helga, came to the door.

“Albert dear come down! Your son and his friend are here!”

Billy’s dad ran down the stairs. He shook hands with Andrew and offered him a drink.

“What a fine looking young man, Billy’s brought home. He’s so polite and everything!” Albert whispered to his wife as she was cutting cake for the boys.

“I really like him a lot! Say dear, what do you make of the clothes he’s wearing? Don’t you think they look a little dirty?”

“Don’t worry, hun. That’s just the new style! All the cool kids are wearing those types of clothes!

Billy was showing Andrew around the whole house. When they got to his room, Albert asked if they close the door and talk.

“Billy, I have to tell you something.”

“Oh what is it my best friend? My mom is making a snack for us so we should go back down soon.”

“Yeah, sure. Okay, listen Billy; I’ve been lying to you. You see…”

“WHAT?! Best friends don’t lie to each other…”

“Listen Billy! I’m not a 15-year old boy, obviously… My name is Detective Andrew Hogens. I’m 26 years old, and I was working as an undercover agent on the hunt for sex predators. We thought you might be one, but when I met you, you were just a kid. You know Billy, you really shouldn’t give out all that personal information to people you don’t know. It is…”

“Wait, so you’re not my friend anymore…”

“Well Billy, not in the…”

“You’re a mean person. You’re not my friend anymore. Leave. Don’t talk to me anymore.”

Andrew was very confused as he was walking down the stairs. Mrs. Jones ran into him, and immediately asked where Billy was. Andrew told her what he had told Billy. Mrs. Jones told her husband to kick Andrew out of the house because he was mean to Billy.

A few months later, Billy made a real friend from a family who had moved in across the street. After Billy made sure that his new friend wasn’t an undercover officer, they became best friends. They stayed friends for the rest of their life!

Everyone had a happy ending except for Andrew, who lived the rest of his life very confused about the incident with the Jones Family.

The End.

The Ab-Eater by Kassie K.

Satire: Info-Mercials
The Ab-Eater

Setting:
Mark Jones is a fit and muscular college student who wants to look like buff like those guys on the T.V. show Jersey Shore. One day while he was watching TV, a commercial caught his eye.

Mays Billy (shouting):
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently and hated what you saw? Do you wish you had a sexier, flat, stomach? Do you wish you had the perfect abs you've always dreamed of? Well, with the Ab-Eater, your wish has been granted!!!

Mark (in an ecstatic tone):
Oh my gosh! This is exactly what I need to look super buff!

Mays Billy (still shouting):
The ab-eater is the newest revolution in the world of exercise and fitness. You've seen the other products on the market, the ab doer, the ab dolly, the ab rocker, the ab slide, and you've even seen the infomercials for them, some even featuring HUGE celebrities like Chuck Noris! Well, those products are all about to become completely useless, because for the first time ever, an ab exercise product has come along that makes getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of extremely EASY, FAST and EFFECTIVE! The Ab-Eater has arrived and is here to finally allow you to have the sexy, slim, flat perfect abs you've always dream of!
Chances are you have tried to get perfect abs before and maybe even tried or seen other ab products and machines and exercises, or other types of diets and pills and supplements, but nothing ever works. We know nothing ever works, plus, we know how hard it is to try to eat a good diet and try to work out. We know it is almost impossible to actually stick to a diet and workout almost every day!! And until now, that was the only way to get perfect abs, but with the Ab-Eater, getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of is right within your reach, plus, it is now EASIER THEN EVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!
You see, the Ab-Eater is so revolutionary that it does not require you to go on a diet and eat fewer calories or eat less fat; it doesn't even require you to exercise! With the Ab-Eater, you can eat whatever you want and not exercise or workout at all!!! This is what makes the Ab-Eater the very best ab product on the market! Now, you must be saying to yourself, "ok, I don't have to exercise, and I can eat whatever foods I want, sounds great, “how does the Ab-Eater system work?"

Mark Jones:
Wow, I don’t even have to exercise to get perfect abs?!

Mays Billy (shouting louder):
The Ab-Eater system was put together by a special team of construction workers, nuns, band teachers, professional bowlers and pianists in an attempt to create the perfect, easiest, fastest, and most effective way to get the perfect abs you've always dreamed of. All it takes are these 5 simple steps:
Step 1 - Go out shopping and buy all of your favorite foods. Don't even bother checking for fat content or calories, because remember, with the Ab-Eater, your diet doesn't matter! Buy all of your favorite foods, potato chips, cookies, cake, candy, McDonalds, any type of fried food, ice cream, anything you want!!! Then, after you buy it all, return home with all of these foods.
Step 2 - Take out the Ab-Eater and set it up somewhere where you will be comfortable, like in front of the television. This way you can watch T.V. while getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of! This is another quality that makes the Ab-Eater so effective!
Step 3 - Bring all of the food that you just bought over to where you set up the Ab-Eater. *note* before going on to the next step, make sure you have all of your Ab-Eater supplies near you. This would include the Ab-Eater itself, all of your favorite foods (the higher in saturated fat the better!!!) and the T.V. remote control.
Step 4 - This is the key step to the Ab-Eater system. Once you are seated in the Ab-Eater, proceed to eat all of the food that you bought. Every personal trainer knows that the key to perfect abs is the order in which you eat your high fat foods. So, start by eating all foods that start with the letter "C" first. This would include candy, cake, chocolate and cookies. From there, you want to move on to your fried fast foods. Start with McDonalds, then move on to Burger King and Wendy's. After this, feel free to eat the rest of your favorite foods in any order you choose.
Step 5 - Continue steps 1-4 over and over again as often as you wish and then sit back and relax while your flat, sexy stomach and ripped 6 pack abs starts to develop! With the Ab-Eater system, it is just that easy!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark Jones:
Hmm…the Ab-Eater sounds like a perfect way to get muscular. But I’m not too sure if I should get it…

Mays Billy:
Don't think it really works? Read some of our testimonials!!!!!!

Kristie Alley:
I was always out of shape my entire life. I would hate going to the beach because I never had the body that I wanted to have, I never had the perfect abs I've always dreamed of! Then, I saw the Ab-Eater for the first time and was completely amazed! I bought one for myself a week ago, used it twice, and today my wonderful sexy 6 pack is completely visible. Thank you Ab-Eater!!!

Queen Latifa:
I must recommend the Ab-Eater to everyone reading this, I'm only on my 4th bag of Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips and I can already feel the ab muscles working!!!! Thank you Ab-Eater!!

Rosie O’Donnell:
When I first bought the Ab-Eater, I thought, "yeah right, this won't really work, will it?" But as soon as I moved on to my fried fast foods, I knew that it was working!! Thank you Ab-Eater!!!

Jessica Simpson:
After only using the Ab-Eater for a few minutes, I wasn't even half way done with my McDonalds cheeseburger and I already felt the burn! Thank you Ab-Eater!!

Oprah Winfrey:
The chocolate cakes really work the lower abs!! Thank you Ab-Eater!

Roseanne Barr:
Not only has the Ab-Eater given me a perfect 6 pack, but the extra added pressure of moving the food to my mouth and picking up the remote control to change the channel really works the arms! Thank you Ab-Eater!

Mays Billy (shouting still):
People everywhere love the Ab-Eater and for the first time in their lives, they are finally experiencing what it is like to have the perfect abs they have always dreamed off, and you can too!! Order your Ab-Eater today!!! To order your Ab-Eater today, call 643-1111. Again that number is 643-1111.

The next commercial comes on…

Mark (picks up the phone and dials 643-111):
Hi! I would like to order an Ab-Eater.

The End.

Para "Just Normal" Activity 2 by Monica H.

Para-“Just Normal” Activity 2

THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY THAT TAKES PLACE IN A MAKE-SHIFT HOUSE LOCATED IN HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA.

It was one evening that changed the Dey’s lives forever. After returning home from a crazy night at a parent-teacher conference, the family was reunited with a house that was literally turned upside down. The coffee table was on its side, the couch had giant slashes, pots and pans were scattered on the floor. They were freaked out to say the least, but after looking around they realized that nothing was actually missing, the house was just trashed. However, the father Michael took things a little more seriously. “I WILL CATCH THE HOOLIGANS THAT DID THIS!” He declared, and the result was security cameras that were set up in every single room in the house, including the closets and bathrooms. Oh, and don’t forget the motion detectors, heat cameras, and spy satellites that he purchased as well.

(The fact that there were no visible signs of a break in should be simply overlooked.)

Throughout the last couple of weeks, strange things had occurred in the house and were caught on tape. These included kitchen cabinets being thrust wide open and their two year old baby boy constantly waking up at night to stare out the window. But despite his little overreaction, the father dismissed everything else as normal. “It’s normal for cabinets to swing open all at once,” he stated. “That’s just the way they were made. Don’t judge them. Only Jesus can judge.”

His wife Stephanie and daughter Amy were suspicious, though. They decided that their house was haunted and it was up to them to prove it to Michael before anyone got hurt. So after searching through the security cameras’ videos, they found one scene in particular that would definitely prove that something was up.

It was a video focused on the outside pool. But if looked at more clearly, it’s obvious to see that the pool cleaner started to rise out of the water and into the air. Then, it started waving around in a circular motion above the ground. Something started playing in the background, yet it wasn’t quite audible. Wait… It was undoubtedly the song “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO. Soon enough, the pool cleaner started shuffling and was later joined by the singers! Flashing lights and special effects included.

Even though the father witnessed all of this, he didn’t believe that anything was wrong. “I SEE IT ALL THE TIME ON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL. DON’T WORRY, THIS IS NORMAL.” And that was that.

During that night, however, things took a turn for the worst. A door slammed shut, waking the entire family. All of a sudden, Stephanie was dragged down the stairs by her feet and into the basement. Fists pounded against the door as she yelled for someone to help. Michael then walked downstairs and proceeded to the couch where he turned on the T.V. to watch Monday Night Football. Oddly enough, barks started to materialize from behind the door. Amy ran down the stairs in shock. “What are you doing?” She yelled. “Mom is in the basement barking her head off and you’re more concerned about the Cowboys beating the Forty Niners? Our house is haunted for Pete’s sake!”

“Where’s your evidence?!” Michael exclaimed.

Amy’s eyes grew wide. “What more evidence do you need?” She remarked. “The baby to start floating?”

And as soon as she said that, the baby came into the room, levitating and slowly rotating in circles.

“Okay, fine! If it makes you feel better, I’ll rid the house of this so-called spirit.” After that he got up from his chair and went straight to his bedroom. A few moments later, he returned, wearing a priest costume and holding two chopsticks that were taped together to form a cross because apparently he couldn’t find one. You know what they say: If you can’t find an exorcist, best bet is to be your own.

He opened the basement door and found the mother lying on the stairs. With his ghetto-cross in hand, he lifted it up and said, “I COMMAND THIS SPIRIT TO LEAVE US ALONE.” Forcefully, he pressed the chopsticks onto Stephanie’s body. She started to shake and ended up biting his hand. Foam started to form in her mouth. Then, she jumped up and ran around the house on all fours.

Amy finally came to a conclusion. “Dad, I’m sorry, but our house is haunted by a demon dog, and I’m going to call the police to have you tested for drugs because you’re not smart enough to realize it.”

And so, the police were called to the house, the father scored a positive on his drug tests, the children were placed in foster care, and the mother was kept in an insane asylum for the rest of her life. And they all lived happily ever after.

The Perfect Story: A Play on Perfection by Maria C.

The Perfect Story: A Play on Perfection

Narrator: The United States of America. A perfect country, with one absolutely perfect city: Omaha, Nebraska. At the edge of the city, on the very outskirts to be exact, you will find paradise. Paradise High School, that is. It is an ordinary high school, with jocks, cheerleaders, band geeks, nerds, and young politicians, but this paradise has one group that no other high school in the world has: the Misfits.

Act 1: In which Alyss challenges the Misfits to a duel of perfection, and the Misfits break apart

Setting: Paradise High School Cafeteria

Enter Iris, Kat, Resa, and Tania, collectively known as the Misfits, who head to a table all the way in the back of the cafeteria

Iris: Hi everyone! How was your weekend? (silence) Okay then, it must have been good… (turns, sees Kat scrubbing the table with a brand-new sponge) Ooh, is that the new Scour Action Cleaner 5000! Lucky, yours is pink! Here, let me help you! (takes out a spray bottle from her backpack and wets the table)

Kat: Ugh, why can’t the school give us a better table? (scrubs harder) I swear, this spray paint is permanent! (scrubs with all of her might)

Resa: (munches on a huge bag of chips) Why don’t you guys have a snack? After all, it’s lunchtime. (stops eating for a moment, and then empties the entire bag into her mouth)

Chips fly everywhere, including Iris’s head.

Resa: Oops. (starts eating chips off the floor)

Kat: Resa! What did I say about dumping chips into your mouth?! (starts running and scooping chips into a trash bag from her backpack)

Iris: (starts hyperventilating) AAHHHH! I can’t see! I can’t see! Help me! Help! Help…

Tania: (stands up slowly) Enough. Kat, leave the chips, the janitors will get them. Iris, open your eyes. Resa, don’t eat the chips off the floor. Honestly, it’s because of scenarios like this that people think we have problems!

All of the girls stop their various actions and stare at Tania. Iris bursts out laughing, then chokes and hiccups.

Kat: Problems? PROBLEMS?! You’ve got to be kidding me? I’m OCD, how can I help the way I act? Iris has a panic disorder, Resa is obese, and you have anger iss-… (trails off at the mad glint in Tania’s eyes) Never mind.

Tania: (sighs) Anyway, want to hear a joke? (everyone puts their fingers in their ears) So, what looks like a tree and eats like a tree? A tree! (laughs, but everyone else winces)

Iris: Um, that was scary. Anyways, Kat does have a point. After all, we don’t have any skills to fit in with the other groups.

Resa: I can eat a pie in three seconds!

Tania: Not that kind of skill Resa. But what skills do they have that we don’t?

Kat: (ticking off the various groups on her fingers) Well, none of us are good at sports, so we’re not in with the jocks and cheerleaders. None of us can be in band, because we don’t play any instruments. We don’t have silver tongues that can charm everyone into voting for us for class president, so politics is out. And (moans) none of our GPAs are higher than a 2.5…

Enter Alyss with her groupies

Alyss: (sneering) Well, look what we have here. A group of… Gosh, what are you guys? (groupies snicker) Oh right, Misfits; nothing more than a pathetic gathering of nobodies.

Tania: Do you wanna go? DO YOU? You little-

Iris: Don’t say anything, just ignore her everyone.

Kat: (smirks) Need I remind you, Ms. Popular, that you used to be a Misfit (makes finger quotes) yourself?

Alyss: (burns with rage and shame) Not anymore. I’m done with your loser group! After all, now I’m a perfect person (takes out a mirror). I have never seen anyone more beautiful than me. My hair, my eyes, my skin! It’s all perfect! And on top of that, I’m popular! No one is more popular than me, no one! I am the most perfect being! It’s all me! Me! No one i-

Iris: But what about Guinevere? (all turn to glance at her)

(Guinevere is seated at the very first table by the windows, surrounded by popular people chattering. While reading a book, she simultaneously flips her long wavy hair, tells a joke, and laughs. Unconsciously, everyone sighs in envy)

Kat: HA! See? Even you are envious, because you’re only the 2nd most popular girl. Guinevere is always going to be the first, because being perfect is being smart and getting good grades.

Resa: No it’s not! Being perfect is when you’re as skinny as a twig!

Tania: Resa, that isn’t true. A perfect person is always funny, and people laugh at their jokes without being intimidated. Right guys?

Alyss: (flips hair and makes buzzer sound) Wrong! Perfection is popularity, Misfits! This means that I am true perfection!

Iris: (mutters quietly) Guinevere is perfect, not you. After all, she’s perfect since she’s beautiful.

Alyss: (smolders with anger) You know what?! None of you have any idea of what the perfect being is! Therefore, I challenge all of you to a match three days from now! If none of you can prove that you or your idea is perfect, than I win!

Kat: (rolls eyes) And what makes you think that we’re going to take you up on that challenge?

Tania, Iris, and Resa: I’ll do it.

Alyss: (smirks in triumph) Fine. Cafeteria, at lunch in three days. That way everyone can see what losers you are!

Exit Alyss and groupies

Kat: Now what in the name of cleaning detergent made you guys say yes?! After all, how can we work together? We each have our own idea of perfection.

Iris: Well, maybe we don’t have to work together. Why don’t we split apart?

Tania: Really? Will you be okay? After all, we’ve been together for a long time. What’s going to happen if Alyss brings out the chicken again? (waits for someone to laugh, no one does) You don’t get it? Iris is a coward, also known as a chicken… That’s it! You people never even slightly chuckle at my jokes. I’m leaving! And don’t text me! I’ll throw my phone at your heads! (exits)

Resa: I hope she doesn’t stay mad at us too long… (starts eating chips off the floor again)

Kat: Resa stop that! If you stop eating everything you see, then you wouldn’t weigh more than a monster truck! (stops in horror at what she just said)

Resa: (pauses in shock, then slowly rises) You know I’ve always wanted to be skinny… then I would be amazingly perfect. But you didn’t have to throw that out into my face! (runs away, exiting the stage)

(Awkward silence between Kat and Iris)

Iris: Um, do you think that we cou-

Kat: (in tears) That’s right, make fun of how stupid I am, with my OCD! I’m gonna be so smart, you won’t know who I am! I’m leaving to go help the janitor with mopping the floor! Don’t talk to me! (exits)

Iris: (in confusion) Huh?! Wait, what are you talking about? (runs after Kat, slips on a banana peel) AAHH! My leg broke! I’m dying! I’m dying! Blood’s splattered all over me! I’m slowly slipping into unconsciousness! Help! Blood and plasma everywhe- Oh, wait a minute, it’s just water…

End Act 1



Act 2: In which the Misfits each detail her separate quest to become perfect, and fail miserably

Setting: Each one at her own house

Scene 1

Enter Tania, in her living room, perusing a joke website on her laptop

Tania: ‘Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay it would be called a bagel!’ (eyebrows go up in confusion) How is that funny? Let’s see, what a funny one…is ‘Why was the little strawberry crying? Because his parents were in a jam.’ No, that’s not funny either. Why do none of these make sense? (ponders) Because they’re jokes! (laughs) Now MY joke was funny. But why does no one get them?

Tania’s brother: (voice offstage) Your jokes just aren’t funny, ok? Just give up sis.

Tania: (in a very quiet and controlled voice) I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you. What did you say?

(silence)

Tania: That’s what I thought. (glances at laptop again) Ugh, this is the worst website ever! (throws laptop across the room angrily) Oops. Oh well, maybe if I just act funny, then I’ll win! Yeah, that’s it. So my first joke should be…

(Scene 1 ends with her muttering incomprehensible sentences)

Scene 2

Enter Resa, in her dining room exercising

Resa: Okay! Let’s get started! (sits down on a mat) Sit-ups first! One! Two! Three! (enter Resa’s mom)

Resa’s mom: Cupcake, what are you doing?

Resa: Sit-ups, why? Four! Five! Six!

Resa’s mom: Honey, what is this for? Is this for school?

Resa: Well, I need to win this competition that proves that being skinny is being perfect! So I’m doing sit-ups to decrease my fat. Seven, eight, nine… Boy, this is hard work! How do people handle all this exercise?

Resa’s mom: Um, sweetheart, this is how you do a sit-up. (demonstrates a sit-up) You don’t just, uh…

Resa: Oh. I actually have to do that? I just thought that you just sit up and stay there counting! So does that mean when you do push-ups you don’t just push up with your hands?

Resa’s mom: No, I’m sorry sweetie pie. If you want, I just made deep-fried pork rinds with deep-fried French fries! But if you want to get skinny, then maybe not.

Resa: Well, maybe only once I’ll have the fried stuff. Tomorrow I’ll eat healthy… maybe. Now back to exercise! O-n-e! (collapses) I can’t do this! Sit-ups are so hard!

(Scene 2 ends with Resa attempting to get up, but she can’t)

Scene 3

Enter Kat in her bedroom surrounded by textbooks

Kat: (with enthusiasm) Ok, so the quadratic formula is 3.14 and π is the opposite of b plus or minus the square root of b squared minus 4 multiplied by a and c, and all over 2 multiplied by a. Carbon is the first element of the periodic table, and George Washington gave the Gettysburg Address. Voltaire wrote To Kill a Mockingbird and Romeo and Juliet. Finally the Spanish word for love is odiar. Hahaha! I totally got this! No one is going to be smarter than me at the competition! I shall be the world’s greatest genius! Now all I have to do is master spelling! Encountering. E-n-k-o-w-n-d-e-r-i-n-g. Perfect!

(Scene 3 ends with her reciting very wrongly spelled words)

Scene 4

Enter Iris in her bathroom with make-up bottles and brushes everywhere

Iris: Ok, I can do this! First, apply foundation. (takes the brush) Apply directly to face. (swipes over face) Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! (keeps brushing face) Oh no! Foundation must give you a cold! Germs! (stops brushing) Well, I’ll skip that step. Next, I’ll put on lipstick. (uncaps lipstick) Gosh, I didn’t imagine that lipstick would be so…red. (starts to smear lipstick on her lips) Remember Iris, this is just lipstick, it’s not like you’re putting blood on… Whew, so glad that that’s done! Finally, to place mascara on. (takes out mascara brush) Okay, so I just gently rub it on my eyelashe- AAAHHHH!!! I poked my eye out! I’m blind in one eye! (accidentally pokes other eye) AGH! I’m never going to see daylight again! Good-bye sweet world! Farewell colors of the earth and sky! Oh, to be blinded at such a young age, when I was in the flower of my youth! (runs into wall because she’s blind) Where’s the door? WHERE’S THE DOOR?!

(Scene 4 ends with her slamming into the wall opposite of the door)

End Act 2



Act 3- In which the Misfits and Alyss battle, and thus discover Guinevere’s ways of being perfect

Setting: Paradise High School Cafeteria , 3 days later

Enter the Misfits and Alyss into the cafeteria

Alyss: (smug) Prepare to go down Misfits! Now it’s time for me to shine!

Tania: Ha! Well, I’ll blow all of you away laughing with my jokes! Now, why did the chicken cross the road? (waits) To get to the other sea! Ha-ha!

(dead silence)

Resa: (is stuffed into really tight clothing) Sorry Tania, but you lose. If you haven’t noticed, I am amazingly skinny now! So I am perfection! (all of the buttons on her clothing pop off)

(again, dead silence)

Kat: Well, I’ll bet none of you can spell... potatoes! P-o-t-e-t-o-s. Yay! A perfect, smart word! (someone holds up a sign spelling the correct word) Oh… that’s how you spell it.

(awkward silence)

Alyss: Well Iris? Let’s see how perfect you a- OH MY GOSH! (is in shock)

Iris: H-hi guys how is it going? (face is smeared with make-up, both eyes are puffy, and her head is wrapped in Band-Aids) Don’t I look beautiful?

Alyss: (unable to contain her triumph) Uh, no! This means that I, Alyss, the most popular girl in school, win the battle of perfection! I am the best! I AM THE BEST! Muahahah-

Enter Guinevere

Guinevere: (calmly) Actually, if we‘re going by your idea of perfection, than I am the most perfect girl in the world.

Alyss: (upset) I don’t care! What makes you think that you’re so perfect?

Resa: It’s because she’s skinny!

Kat: No, because she’s smart.

Tania: She’s perfect because she’s funny!

Iris: I think that Guinevere is perfect since she’s beautiful.

(Everyone starts arguing)

Guinevere: Stop the madness! (everyone stops and listens to her) Do you want to know why I’m perfect? Well, it’s because, it’s because I…it’s because-

(Everyone in the cafeteria leans in to hear)

Guinevere: I sit at home and drink nothing but tea.

(Complete and utter silence, except for crickets chirping)

Iris: But then-

Kat: All of our ideas-

Resa: Of perfection-

Tania: Are-

Everyone: Not perfect?!

End Act 3

Teen Satire by Jackie M.

As Sarah arrived home after band camp, she unpacked her things and pulled out the pregnancy test, which she had bought earlier that day, and ran to the bathroom. “Omg, this pregnancy test must be wrong, I can’t be pregnant!” cried Sarah from her bathroom. Sarah sat on her toilet thinking, “How could this be happening to me? I’m supposed to be the good girl, the invisible girl, the one who doesn’t get pregnant in high school.” Sarah cried to herself and thought about a way she was going to tell her parents. Here we are, in the city of Ridgeway, where an innocent teen in high school, Sarah, finds out that she is pregnant. That dinner, the topic of pregnancy coincidentally came up. “You wouldn’t do anything like that, right Sarah?” questioned Sarah’s dad. “Well… what if I did?” replied Sarah. “You’re not telling me you are, are you?” said Sarah’s dad. “Oh, you caught me, dad. I am pregnant!” said Sarah. “I guess we just have to put up with this.” said Mr. Woods.
The next day Sarah confronted Brandon, the guy who got her pregnant. Sarah said, “Look Brandon, what happened a few nights ago was really stupid of us and now we are expecting a child.” Brandon, shocked at what he was hearing, just stared at Sarah with a blank expression on his face. Everyone at school knew that Brandon was already having a serious relationship with Brittney Parks. Brandon was not the kind of guy who would stay committed to one girl. On the other hand, we have Ryan Mitchell who absolutely loves, adores, and stays faithful to one girl, which is Sarah. When Sarah told Ryan about the situation she was in, he responded quite calmly. Ryan said, “ I love you so much, and I don’t care if this baby is mine or not, I will stay by your side no matter what.” After getting through telling Ryan what was happening, Brittney Parks comes up to Sarah and says, “Hey! You mind telling me what you were doing having sex with MY boyfriend?” Sarah shocked and terrified of Brittney replied by saying, “I’m so sorry! He came onto me!” “Well it better not happen again, got that?” said Brittney fiercely. Sarah simply just nodded her head to avoid causing a scene.
As time past, Sarah is now 6 months into her pregnancy. Sarah still went to school even though she was always stared down and gossiped about. As the baby is on it’s way, Ryan feels that if Sarah and he would get married, it would solve all the problems. Ryan proposes to Sarah saying, “I know this baby is not mine, but I have grown closer to him and I really want to be his father. Sarah Woods, will you marry me so that we could raise this child together and live happily ever after?” Sarah shocked that Ryan was actually proposing to her just looked at him with bewildered eyes. “Ryan, I know your intentions are good, but Brandon is the father of my child, LOL, but thanks for the support!” said Sarah. The next day was just a bowl of awkward. Ryan was avoiding Sarah, Sarah was avoiding Brittney, and Brandon was on the look out for Sarah. During lunch, Brandon came up to Sarah and said, “Sarah, I know I haven’t been here helping you with your pregnancy, but I really want to be the father. I want to be a better father than my father had been to me.” Sarah smiled and said, “I’m glad that you have finally come around.” As Brandon and Sarah continue their conversation about their child, Ryan turns the corner and catches them laughing and hugging each other. Outraged by the occurrence that he had seen, went hunting for Brittney. He finally found her and said, “Brittney, I know you don’t know me well but we should have sex to make Brandon and Sarah jealous!” Brittney gave Ryan a smirk and said in a seducing voice, “I’ll see you tonight, my parents are not home and I have the whole house to myself.” Two of Sarah’s friends heard this and said, “Everyone is having sex! How come we aren’t having sex! Let’s all get together tonight so we can all have some fun”
A few weeks past and by then, about 90% of the girls at Ridgeway High was having sex. That lunch, Brittney came up to Ryan and announced that they were having a baby. At first, they were thinking of abortion. But then they realized they could use this child as “revenge” for when Sarah and Brandon hooked up. Sarah went up to Brittney and said, “OMG, we are pregnant together man! Yeah, soul sisters! I wonder who else wants to join our teen mom group!” Later that month, Sarah gave birth to a baby boy and named him John. By this time, Brandon and Sarah becomes a couple and they live together. As for Brittney and Ryan, Brittney had a miscarriage and the baby had died. Although Brittney and Ryan’s baby dies, they continue to have sex. Since Brandon and Sarah already had a child, they figured it would be best to avoid having sex and they worked on keeping their relationship exclusive. Although they tried to avoid having sex, they eventually got back into the temptations and began to have sex regularly. It was the last day of school and Brandon was graduating as the class valedictorian. When he went up to proclaim his speech, he called up Sarah and proposed to her. Sarah also had news for Brandon. Sarah was pregnant again! This time around, Brandon was more happy than shocked.
In the end, Sarah finishes up her last year of high school and decides to become a full time mother. Brandon goes to college and works for the family. Sarah and Brandon, Brittney and Ryan, and most of the other couples of Ridgeway High continue to have sex on a regular basis as if pregnancy was not an issue.

Jersey "Miami" Shore by Ashley B.

There’s a show called the “Miami Shore” that airs on a popular television channel that many people watch which consists of four main characters drinking, swearing, fighting, having sex, clubbing etc. Earning more than a college graduate with a high end job, these people get paid hundreds of thousands or even millions of dollars to do the stupidest of things that people usually discourage you from doing.

We begin with Snooki, a short chubby alcohol addicted 21 year old girl, Mike, a tall cocky hot-headed 25 year old, Sammi, a tall and fit drama 23 year old drama queen, and Ron, a muscular hot-headed stalky 24 year old. They all travel to the city of Miami, filled with many clubs and beaches. They all sign up for this tv show to have a good time, party, meet new people, and to get some fame from all of the viewers watching them. They all have something in common which is the excitement and anxiety to get drunk and do whatever they want, and getting paid for it all.

At the Miami club called “Drink” the strobe lights are flashing and the gallons of alcohol are being prepared. Mike and Ron always look for trouble by fist fighting any guy who looks at them. A guy accidentally bumps into Mike and Ron, so Mike and Ron immediately start a fight and punch him to show how dominant and strong they are. “Yo, Ronnie that guy over there was totally eye’in us out man”, yelled Mike, “I think we need to teach him a Miami side lesson”. In the corner at the bar, Snooki is getting very drunk and tripping on her own vomit and falling on the floor whenever she tries to take a step forward. “Woo, lets party everybody!”, screamed Snooki.

For the tenth time, Ron needs to use the bathroom so he asks the waitresses where it is, and Sammi starts yelling at him and accuses him of cheating on her. “Stop it Ron you’re cheating on me!”, cried Sammi. “Yo, whatever Sam I’m done Same, I’m done”, shouted Ron. And after all this is finished they leave the clubs, set aside all their differences and make up with eachother, and go back home at about 7 in the morning.

The next day, Snooki is totally hung over so she sleeps the entire day in her bed while Mike goes to work out a the gym and stare at himself ,a couple times in the mirror. So Sammi and Ron go to a restaurant to have a date together. They get a female waitress and order their food. “I’ll have the club sandwich with a diet-Coke”, said Sammi. “Umm, I can’t decide what to order, what do you recommend waitress”? asked Ron. Immediately, Sam gets up, slaps Ron in the face and tells him that their relationship is over. Sammi seems to have convinced herself that Ron and the waitress are having a secret relationship behind her back just because of Ron’s question.

When the manager finds Sam crying in the restaurant bathroom, he brings Ron to her and asks what the problem is. “Why are you guys fighting in my restaurant”? asked the manager. “Ron is totally cheating on me”! cried Sam. “No I never did Sam, I just asked the waitress for a recommendation, that’s all”! yelled Ron. “Really, you aren’t lying then right”? asked Sam. “No, I’m not lying to you Sam, you’re overreacting like always”! yelled Ron. Coming to a realization that Sam always overreacts on Ron, she starts crying apologizing to him.

Ending their fun filled summer at Miami, Ron and Mike injured majority of the males in Miami, Ron and Sam settled all their problems and decide to get married on the beach in Hawaii, Snooki surprisingly becomes an alcohol awareness spokeswoman. Snooki suddenly leaves Miami to pursue her new job, Sam and Ron run off to Hawaii for their wedding and honey moon, and Mike continues to work out and beat up guys in the club for accidental meaningless things. They all get their paychecks in the mail for their “hard work” that they did for the season. “Yay, more money for me”! screamed Snooki. “Aww yeah, I could use this money for our wedding bill”! exclaimed Ron. “Fantastic, now we have enough money to pay for our babies in the future Ron”! said Sammi. “Yes, more money for me to pay off that life time membership at the gym”! yelled Mike

Teenagers and their Dumb Problems by Noel K.

Teenagers and their Dumb Problems

Kacee, a 14 year old girl, threw her 200 dollar cell phone at the wall in frustration because her boyfriend of a week hasn’t texted her back in an hour. She then proceeded to send an IM to her friend April “I am so depressed! I’m so sad because my boyfriend isn’t texting me back, maybe he hates me  Maybe I said something wrong. Oh my god I just threw my phone at the wall and now the touch screen isn’t working right. WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD!” April proceeds to inform Kacee that she “got her back” and that they will go to the mall and discuss their very serious and complicated boy problems together.
Kacee decides to bring her 800-dollar Canon camera (which she only uses to take mirror pictures of herself to post on social networking sites) to the mall. Kacee and April take 200 pictures together at the mall making unappealing faces. She also complains about how her parents aren’t giving her more allowance, because 70 dollars a month simply isn’t enough to satisfy her needs. When Kacee purchases an ordinary ice cream cone, she MUST take a photo and post it to twitter right away, so everyone following her can know what a fabulous time she is having with her friend, eating ice cream. Not like anyone cares.
After the mall, Kacee opens up her Macbook Air and proceeds to go on a social networking site known as tumblr. She discovers that she has a new message in her inbox! What a thrill! She opens her inbox to find that it is a mean anonymous message. “ur so gross gurl I hate u, get a new face”. Kacee cries and calls April, sobbing about how sad she is, how hard her life is, and how Kacee is depressed. April is sick of Kacee’s attitude, and how spoiled she is. April says “Actually, depression is a lack of feeling, you’re not depressed, stop self diagnosing yourself.” Kacee yells at April about how bad of a friend she is, and cries alone because no one “understands her”.’
Kacee makes a blog post about all these happenings to get attention from her peers. She then drinks a sip of beer and makes yet another post about how she is “drunk” and “wasted” and how she is certainly a partier. Maybe people will like her more then. She reblogs unmoving love quotes and posts such as “I love when guys hug me from behind! <3333” Bing! She hears an alert from her phone meaning her boyfriend texted back! “Hey, I was just taking a nap, sorry I didn’t reply. Love you babe.” Everything is perfect and wonderful again, Kacee is the happiest girl ever!
The next day, Kacee goes to school and texts during every one of her classes, not taking in anything the teacher is saying. She gets an F on her test and complains about how the work is too hard. Another day of wasting her 12,000-dollar tuition! After school she spends 20 minutes taking a bunch of pictures with her friends on her Macbook, and uploads them on facebook, with lyrics from love songs as captions. Trying to be deep and inspirational. After all this Kacee pays 100 dollars just to get her nails painted with little Hello Kitty drawings on it. What an efficient and profitable way to spend your money!
Did anyone mention how hipster and fashionable Kacee happens to be? She wears crop tops and short shorts from well known brand names, but yells when people call her a “slut”. She also makes sure to have clownish multicolored feathers in her hair. On her feet she sports 50-dollar vans shoes. So original and hip! Kacee should win a trophy, even.
The next week, her boyfriend of 2 weeks breaks up with her via facebook IM. He says that they don’t have that “spark” anymore. Kacee cries for DAYS, telling her friends how she has no reason or will to live anymore. “This was the most serious and wonderful relationship I’ve had. I don’t know how I’m going to live without him anymore, why does God have to do this to me? Why is my life so hard?” Maybe someday Kacee will contemplate her life and realize how stupid she is.

Teenagers and their Dumb Problems

Kacee, a 14 year old girl, threw her 200 dollar cell phone at the wall in frustration because her boyfriend of a week hasn’t texted her back in an hour. She then proceeded to send an IM to her friend April “I am so depressed! I’m so sad because my boyfriend isn’t texting me back, maybe he hates me  Maybe I said something wrong. Oh my god I just threw my phone at the wall and now the touch screen isn’t working right. WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD!” April proceeds to inform Kacee that she “got her back” and that they will go to the mall and discuss their very serious and complicated boy problems together.
Kacee decides to bring her 800-dollar Canon camera (which she only uses to take mirror pictures of herself to post on social networking sites) to the mall. Kacee and April take 200 pictures together at the mall making unappealing faces. She also complains about how her parents aren’t giving her more allowance, because 70 dollars a month simply isn’t enough to satisfy her needs. When Kacee purchases an ordinary ice cream cone, she MUST take a photo and post it to twitter right away, so everyone following her can know what a fabulous time she is having with her friend, eating ice cream. Not like anyone cares.
After the mall, Kacee opens up her Macbook Air and proceeds to go on a social networking site known as tumblr. She discovers that she has a new message in her inbox! What a thrill! She opens her inbox to find that it is a mean anonymous message. “ur so gross gurl I hate u, get a new face”. Kacee cries and calls April, sobbing about how sad she is, how hard her life is, and how Kacee is depressed. April is sick of Kacee’s attitude, and how spoiled she is. April says “Actually, depression is a lack of feeling, you’re not depressed, stop self diagnosing yourself.” Kacee yells at April about how bad of a friend she is, and cries alone because no one “understands her”.’
Kacee makes a blog post about all these happenings to get attention from her peers. She then drinks a sip of beer and makes yet another post about how she is “drunk” and “wasted” and how she is certainly a partier. Maybe people will like her more then. She reblogs unmoving love quotes and posts such as “I love when guys hug me from behind! <3333” Bing! She hears an alert from her phone meaning her boyfriend texted back! “Hey, I was just taking a nap, sorry I didn’t reply. Love you babe.” Everything is perfect and wonderful again, Kacee is the happiest girl ever!
The next day, Kacee goes to school and texts during every one of her classes, not taking in anything the teacher is saying. She gets an F on her test and complains about how the work is too hard. Another day of wasting her 12,000-dollar tuition! After school she spends 20 minutes taking a bunch of pictures with her friends on her Macbook, and uploads them on facebook, with lyrics from love songs as captions. Trying to be deep and inspirational. After all this Kacee pays 100 dollars just to get her nails painted with little Hello Kitty drawings on it. What an efficient and profitable way to spend your money!
Did anyone mention how hipster and fashionable Kacee happens to be? She wears crop tops and short shorts from well known brand names, but yells when people call her a “slut”. She also makes sure to have clownish multicolored feathers in her hair. On her feet she sports 50-dollar vans shoes. So original and hip! Kacee should win a trophy, even.
The next week, her boyfriend of 2 weeks breaks up with her via facebook IM. He says that they don’t have that “spark” anymore. Kacee cries for DAYS, telling her friends how she has no reason or will to live anymore. “This was the most serious and wonderful relationship I’ve had. I don’t know how I’m going to live without him anymore, why does God have to do this to me? Why is my life so hard?” Maybe someday Kacee will contemplate her life and realize how stupid she is.

Satire by Tiffany W.

In a place not so far from here or there was a boy walking down a road. This boy was the epitome of 'good looks' given by society. He fit the very description of brilliant blonde, wavy hair, shimmering blue eyes, tanned skin, tall body, and muscular build. It did not matter if his muscles were drawn on, they looked real enough. He had no flaws whatsoever in appearance, and that made him perfect because appearance and looks were the only thing that mattered of course.

It didn't matter if he was a complete idiot; a 16 year old that skipped classes and went to date girls. Nor did it matter if he flunked all his classes and partied every night. As long as he knew how to flick wavy golden hair, everything was fine. He got anything he wanted with a flash of his smile, and planned to marry a rich and pretty airhead when he grew up, to avoid doing any actual work. His looks could get him the majority of the opposite gender; rich airheads of the day, and they would be a perfect match in intelligence. This stupid, morally retarded, pretty-faced idiot was named Edwart Colon.

One day, as Edwart was walking down the same street, girls flanking him on each side, a talent-searcher, named Robutt Pettingsons was in town that day and saw Edwart's obvious talents in combing his hair. He decides to raise him to fame and glory because he had the very important talent of flipping medium length hair. Everyone voted for him because he had good taste in fashion and nice hair because that was all that mattered. He dropped out of school and started doing drugs, because that was the cool thing to do. He went into modeling and dealing drugs, so everyone loved him. Edwart slept around with many people, sometimes of both genders because he didn't know who he was sleeping with. He just knew it was cool, and he liked to do cool things.

As his face and name rose on to magazines and television, a recording company decided to make him a famous singer. It didn't matter if his singing sounded like a dying camel, they could just use autotune! Besides, people would focus too much on his face on the album cover than listen to the music. That way, the people could lazily produce strange works of music with no effort at all, and still get money!

The only strange thing that happened was that when Edwart went to a bar one night, he expected every girl to fling themselves on him. However, one girl in particular seemed to straight up have no interest in him at all! What a shocking discovery. “That girl must have some mental issues.” He said quietly to himself. The girl’s name was Kay-Lin Chang, and Edwart found out she was one of the ‘unpopular’ girls. Because she was unpopular, everyone bullied Kay-Lin. Edwart joined in. There was one more thing that was different: Kay-Lin did not even take the bullying like most unpopular people would. She seemed to be laughing at their insults, and fended for herself quite well. It was unsettling to Edwart, so he left the party immediately after.

Other than that, Edwart was having the time of his life. It was nothing less expected though. He got a really rich celebrity star as a date, and they won important awards such as most stylish attire, heaviest make-up, fabulous boots, and so on. However, what Edwart did not know what that this seemingly air-headed celebrity girl actually had some small level of intelligence! The celebrity girl, named Meggle Stew, was actually the sister of a man who was jealous of Edwart. The man, Jacow Stew, was not as rich as his sister, nor as pretty as Edwart. He sent his sister to go retrieve all Edwart's money and dump him after.

One night after a concert where they did not sing, only lip-synced to their autotuned record, Meggle confronted Edwart in their hotel suite.

"Dearest darlingest Edwart-pie-potatoes, I, Meggle Stew, like, think that you performed like fantabulous tonight, because you have like, money, and you're like, so hot, so nothing else like matters!" she squealed out in her signature high pitched annoying voice.

"Gee like, thanks my dearest darlingest Matilda!" He responded back with a goofy smile.

"It's Meggle, Edwart-potato-pie." She retorted, still with a big, red-lipped smile on her face. Her eyes squinted into slits because all the heavy make-up pushed up her cheeks when she smiled.

"Okay Malibu!" He gave another grin. Meggle just sighed and shook her head before recovering her previous composure.

"Anyway like, how did you think I did?" Meggle eased closer and batted her eyes about 30 times until she got dizzy herself. Her ridiculous lime-green feathered dress, taking up nearly half the room, shook and flopped in all directions as she tried to find the ground and stand up. Failing to do so, she gave up and continued to bat more lashes.

"Well of course, you could only do like, amazingtastic! You were like the prettiest girl on stage! Granted you stayed in one spot because your dress like, didn't let you move." Edwart returned her lashes with some of his own.

"I was the only girl on the stage." Meggle grimaced, but changed her expression back into a fake smile. "Well, like, my dress is too fabulous-tastic to move it on stage." She rolled her eyes, flipping her highlighted auburn ringlets back.

"I was just wondering, like, do you wanna like give all your money to me so I can show off to the world how rich and like, totally fashionable you are?” She flicked her hair back a couple more times and gave him her best eye-squinting, nose-wrinkling, nostril-flaring smile she could manage. Edwart, as clueless as he was, hugged her tightly and nodded his head.

“Of course! I’ll give you anything you wanted!” Edwart gazed into her shining brown eyes and signed the form that handed over all this money to Megle. The moment the form was in her hands, she immediately tore off the bottom half of the lime green skirt, kicked away Edwart and marched out of the room.

“Ouch! That really hurt!” Edwart rubbed his forehead. Jimmy Choos to the face were not things one would ever want to experience. “What was that for? Hey! Where are you going?” He was not used to being treated this way. Confusion cross his face as she walked out on him.

A moment later, two security guards came into the room and dragged Edwart out of the room by his feet. They hauled him downstairs and left him outside the hotel at night. Since he had been kicked out, Edwart had no where to go. He was 5 states away from home, and the alcohol he drank earlier that night was starting to get to him. Luckily for him, fangirls and fanboys from all around who were stalking him rushed out and dragged him to a party at one person’s house.

From there he decided to have a good time and got completely wasted. His actions while drunk were recorded and placed onto the internet, where it then became a viral video for millions all over the world to see. His reputation was ruined, he lost his job, and the overdose of drugs and alcohol turned his face ugly. The Edwart now had no fans, no home, and no one that would acknowledge him as the beautiful person all over the city’s billboards.

What happened to Edwart was everyone’s worst nightmare: he became unpopular. For the first time in his life he was the one in the corner hiding from everyone and getting bullied. He began to regret what he did to unpopular people back when he was a celebrity. His thoughts came back to Kay-Lin, the strange unpopular girl he had met back in his popular days. How could she handle being unpopular? This is the worst! But she didn’t even seem fazed by it… what does fazed even mean? I just heard smart people say that word a lot… His thoughts trailed on as he made his way to find the next shelter he could spend the night in. A bar up ahead flashed neon colours. “Maybe I should just get drunk and forget it all” he thought aloud.

Once in the bar, Edwart remembered this was the same bar he had seen Kay-Lin in. Unsurprisingly, she was there in the corner this time as well. Wanting to find out how she managed to cope with being shunned by nearly everyone in the bar, Edwart walked up to her, avoiding being jostled by the crowd.

“Well look who’s here? Isn’t that a surprise?” Kay-Lin sneered. “Looks like Mr. Popular isn’t so popular anymore is he?” She continued taunting him, just the way he used to taunt her, until Edwart had enough and threw a tantrum.

“What an unsightly little boy. You’re as immature and ridiculous as can be. I guess that’s what all air-headed celebrities are like, even ones cast out by their own kind.” She lifted her chin, looking down on Edwart. He didn’t understand a lot of the big words she used, but he got the general idea of what Kay-Lin was saying.

“Okay, okay I get it. I know I’ve been a jerk and all but I think I finally understand what it’s like being shunned by everyone. But how can you stand it?” Edwart pouted and crossed his arms.

“Wow, the airhead is finally coming to his senses eh? Look ‘Edwart Colon’,” Kay-Lin cross her arms as well, except she took on a more authoritative stance. “Not everything is about popularity, or being liked by everyone by your status in society. You gotta learn the important things in life, like friendship and true love. You gotta learn to be intelligent and wise. Looks aren’t everything; they change. They aren’t permanent. Talent stays. You have absolutely no talent at all, so once your looks and fame fail you, then you got nothin’ to keep you famous.

“You wanna know how I get through it all? Well guess what, I actually have friends. Is that word new to you? I could care less about being popular. Popularity and fashion mean nothing to me. Life is about having fun and living it to the fullest. You cannot do that if you do not have friends or true love. The so called ‘love’ that you think you felt from your previous fans, is fake. They are infatuated with you based on your looks and popularity. Real friends are friends because they love each other for who they are inside, regardless of how they appear.”

As Kay-Lin finished her lecture, Edwart attempted to process all the information that entered his tiny little brain. He began to realize that life was not about popularity and good looks.

“Hey, could you maybe teach me to think like you? To have… friends?” Edwart gave Kay-Lin a pleading look. For a moment they both were silent. Then all of a sudden Kay-Lin burst out laughing. She doubled over, unable to contain her laughter.

“Me? Te-haha-teach you? How to ha-haha-ve friends? Oh that’s a likely story indeed-haha, very funny. Good one Edwart.” She snickered. Edwart frowned and stomped his feet. “Come on, give me a chance. I really feel like I can change.” He begged. Kay-Lin raised an eyebrow, skeptical. “Oh you’re serious? Dude, you have NO HOPE of changing.” She retorted. After further persuasion and begging, she finally gave in. “Fine, I’ll give you one chance. Hang around me and my buddies. I’m sure you’ll learn a thing or two about friendship.” She consented.

From then on, Edwart observed and followed along Kay-Lin and her ways with her friends. He began to finally learn what he had been missing. The ideas of popularity and appearance soon left his mind. After a few months, Edwart and Kay-Lin became somewhat okay friends. Kay-Lin was very proud of her work. She finally got him to see the beautiful things in life, the things that counted. On the one final day where she confronted him and asked him how he saw things, Edwart replied confidently and with a big smile plastered to his face.

“Thank you so much for teaching me the true meaning to life. I now understand that stuff such as appearances and looks don’t make you popular. That’s not the stuff that matters, and that’s not the stuff that will get you successful in life.” Edwart paused. Kay-Lin waited for the moment, excited at his next words. “I’ve realized, that the most important thing in life… is money!”

Everything fell apart for Kay-Lin. “You. Are. Hopeless! The most idiotic being I have ever met!” And from then on, Kay-Lin abandoned Edwart as well. He ended up living a short life with false ideals in his mind, while Kay-Lin soon rose to fame years later as a world-famous scientist and surgeon. The celebrities rose and fell, but Kay-Lin had a stable income until she retired with more money in the bank than those celebrities ever had.