The Ab-Eater by Kassie K.

Satire: Info-Mercials
The Ab-Eater

Setting:
Mark Jones is a fit and muscular college student who wants to look like buff like those guys on the T.V. show Jersey Shore. One day while he was watching TV, a commercial caught his eye.

Mays Billy (shouting):
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently and hated what you saw? Do you wish you had a sexier, flat, stomach? Do you wish you had the perfect abs you've always dreamed of? Well, with the Ab-Eater, your wish has been granted!!!

Mark (in an ecstatic tone):
Oh my gosh! This is exactly what I need to look super buff!

Mays Billy (still shouting):
The ab-eater is the newest revolution in the world of exercise and fitness. You've seen the other products on the market, the ab doer, the ab dolly, the ab rocker, the ab slide, and you've even seen the infomercials for them, some even featuring HUGE celebrities like Chuck Noris! Well, those products are all about to become completely useless, because for the first time ever, an ab exercise product has come along that makes getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of extremely EASY, FAST and EFFECTIVE! The Ab-Eater has arrived and is here to finally allow you to have the sexy, slim, flat perfect abs you've always dream of!
Chances are you have tried to get perfect abs before and maybe even tried or seen other ab products and machines and exercises, or other types of diets and pills and supplements, but nothing ever works. We know nothing ever works, plus, we know how hard it is to try to eat a good diet and try to work out. We know it is almost impossible to actually stick to a diet and workout almost every day!! And until now, that was the only way to get perfect abs, but with the Ab-Eater, getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of is right within your reach, plus, it is now EASIER THEN EVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!
You see, the Ab-Eater is so revolutionary that it does not require you to go on a diet and eat fewer calories or eat less fat; it doesn't even require you to exercise! With the Ab-Eater, you can eat whatever you want and not exercise or workout at all!!! This is what makes the Ab-Eater the very best ab product on the market! Now, you must be saying to yourself, "ok, I don't have to exercise, and I can eat whatever foods I want, sounds great, “how does the Ab-Eater system work?"

Mark Jones:
Wow, I don’t even have to exercise to get perfect abs?!

Mays Billy (shouting louder):
The Ab-Eater system was put together by a special team of construction workers, nuns, band teachers, professional bowlers and pianists in an attempt to create the perfect, easiest, fastest, and most effective way to get the perfect abs you've always dreamed of. All it takes are these 5 simple steps:
Step 1 - Go out shopping and buy all of your favorite foods. Don't even bother checking for fat content or calories, because remember, with the Ab-Eater, your diet doesn't matter! Buy all of your favorite foods, potato chips, cookies, cake, candy, McDonalds, any type of fried food, ice cream, anything you want!!! Then, after you buy it all, return home with all of these foods.
Step 2 - Take out the Ab-Eater and set it up somewhere where you will be comfortable, like in front of the television. This way you can watch T.V. while getting the perfect abs you've always dreamed of! This is another quality that makes the Ab-Eater so effective!
Step 3 - Bring all of the food that you just bought over to where you set up the Ab-Eater. *note* before going on to the next step, make sure you have all of your Ab-Eater supplies near you. This would include the Ab-Eater itself, all of your favorite foods (the higher in saturated fat the better!!!) and the T.V. remote control.
Step 4 - This is the key step to the Ab-Eater system. Once you are seated in the Ab-Eater, proceed to eat all of the food that you bought. Every personal trainer knows that the key to perfect abs is the order in which you eat your high fat foods. So, start by eating all foods that start with the letter "C" first. This would include candy, cake, chocolate and cookies. From there, you want to move on to your fried fast foods. Start with McDonalds, then move on to Burger King and Wendy's. After this, feel free to eat the rest of your favorite foods in any order you choose.
Step 5 - Continue steps 1-4 over and over again as often as you wish and then sit back and relax while your flat, sexy stomach and ripped 6 pack abs starts to develop! With the Ab-Eater system, it is just that easy!!!!!!!!!!!

Mark Jones:
Hmm…the Ab-Eater sounds like a perfect way to get muscular. But I’m not too sure if I should get it…

Mays Billy:
Don't think it really works? Read some of our testimonials!!!!!!

Kristie Alley:
I was always out of shape my entire life. I would hate going to the beach because I never had the body that I wanted to have, I never had the perfect abs I've always dreamed of! Then, I saw the Ab-Eater for the first time and was completely amazed! I bought one for myself a week ago, used it twice, and today my wonderful sexy 6 pack is completely visible. Thank you Ab-Eater!!!

Queen Latifa:
I must recommend the Ab-Eater to everyone reading this, I'm only on my 4th bag of Sour Cream and Onion Potato Chips and I can already feel the ab muscles working!!!! Thank you Ab-Eater!!

Rosie O’Donnell:
When I first bought the Ab-Eater, I thought, "yeah right, this won't really work, will it?" But as soon as I moved on to my fried fast foods, I knew that it was working!! Thank you Ab-Eater!!!

Jessica Simpson:
After only using the Ab-Eater for a few minutes, I wasn't even half way done with my McDonalds cheeseburger and I already felt the burn! Thank you Ab-Eater!!

Oprah Winfrey:
The chocolate cakes really work the lower abs!! Thank you Ab-Eater!

Roseanne Barr:
Not only has the Ab-Eater given me a perfect 6 pack, but the extra added pressure of moving the food to my mouth and picking up the remote control to change the channel really works the arms! Thank you Ab-Eater!

Mays Billy (shouting still):
People everywhere love the Ab-Eater and for the first time in their lives, they are finally experiencing what it is like to have the perfect abs they have always dreamed off, and you can too!! Order your Ab-Eater today!!! To order your Ab-Eater today, call 643-1111. Again that number is 643-1111.

The next commercial comes on…

Mark (picks up the phone and dials 643-111):
Hi! I would like to order an Ab-Eater.

The End.